


Revelation of muscles

by Mo6918



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Kinda Crack, M/M, Minor characters have some issues too, Shinya has no shame, Slow Burn, Toshiya is a precious bean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-01-22 22:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 41,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21309862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mo6918/pseuds/Mo6918
Summary: A verse that developed after a weird dream, put into words for Susi.--Shinya notices at long last, that his bassist has quite the build and takes a shameless interest. Oblivious but enthused, Toshiya welcomes the change of pace between them and things are put in motion, that probably weren't planned...
Relationships: Shinya/Toshiya (Dir en grey)
Comments: 81
Kudos: 74





	1. The butchering of the merch

It began…well, it began as you might expect:

In a hole in the ground, there lifted a bassist. Not a nasty, dirty wet hole. It was the weight section of the gym, which just happened to be located underground.

Toshiya liked the gym for its relative privacy. He just assumed, that fellow gym bros who paid the membership fee weren’t going to bother him. He liked the 24/7 accessibility which left him room in his schedule for other activities, and he liked the results he saw from working out regularly.

And he wasn’t alone in liking those. Granted, it taken Shinya a while to fully notice, but when he finally did…

It was likely, that everyone was to blame a little, about the fact that the merch-customizing got a little out of hand during that summer tour. Kaoru called it the “Unnecessary butchering of perfectly good products”, but he was too busy to stop them. That was point number one, why Toshiya took to cutting sleeves off of tour shirts every evening of the tour: Kaoru was unavailable and so was Die.

Kaoru had gotten himself probably the thickest book about guitars in existence, describing the development of the instrument through history and different cultures and while he deemed it necessary to share the most interesting parts or pictures with Die, he seemed to think that Toshiya just played too few strings to be included.

So, after a few nights of unsuccessfully attempting to join the conversation, the bassist gave up and decided to customize another tour shirt. Soon after, Shinya joined him, asking to borrow his scissors to customize himself another tour shirt as well. They were both bored out of their skulls.

Toshiya glanced over at Kyo, and there was reason number two: Kyo was unavailable as well. Shinya had tried to squeeze his problem out of him, but it was like trying to juice a dried up fig.  
“It’s a matter of the heart and therefor private”, Kyo had said, retreating deeper into his oversized gucci hoodie and hiding the screen of his phone, which had been in his hands nonstop ever since the tour had started.

And thus, it became sort of a thing, to meet up during the long wait after sound checking, while the fans filed into the halls, share scissors and a pile of merch and get to butchering for the encore.

“I’ve been thinking: If you cut along the side seam you could tie the ends into a knot. Would make for a new look”, Shinya said, on the seventh concert, scissors in hand, tapping the tip of the scissors against his plush lips as he examined Toshiya, who was studying his image in the mirror.

“Hm.”, the bassist let out a thoughtful sound, then shrugged. “Why not. I feel like I could go deeper on the sides anyway. Would you?” He held up an arm to give access to his side.

Shinya nodded, stepping forward with his scissors and starting to cut up the side seam with medical precision. Behind them, Kyo was hissing at his phone. It sounded something like “Why would you break my heart like this?”, and usually, Shinya would have given this more attention, but something had him distracted.

“I’ve never really looked at you naked before”, he stated, voice level and casual as though he was stating the third day of cloudy weather on the news report. Toshiya gave him a mildly confused look.

“I’m not naked now”, he said, looking down as if to make sure his clothes hadn’t magically vanished.

“No”, Shinya agreed calmly, tying a small knot with the edges of fabric his cut had created. “But I got a pretty good view right now, and the rest I can fill in with my imagination.” He took one last glance at the exposed skin, as if to memorize the way the muscles carved their lines under it, then he stepped over and cut up the other side of the shirt.

“So you’re fantasizing about my naked body now?”, Toshiya teased with a toothy grin and a baiting glance at the drummer, who smiled without looking up.

“Certainly worth fantasizing about”, he replied and the corners of Toshiya’s mouth drew up even further.

“Thanks!”, He turned his gaze back into the mirror, and found himself grinning back at him like an idiot and possibly flexing a little, just to show off his work some more. He knew he had achieved quite the figure, but it felt pretty good having it acknowledged, even more so by someone with possibly the highest aesthetic standards in any of Toshiya’s friends and acquaintances.

During the encore, wearing his customized shirt, that occasionally flashed a nipple from the sides, when the movement was right, Toshiya got a whole lot more acknowledgement from the crowd, but he did also venture to the drums, hopping on the narrow front of the pedestal to play a few chords there and enjoying the feeling of “Team Rhythm”-unison.

After the live, Shinya nodded him a “Thanks for the visit”, and they packed up and all went their separate ways. And that was that.

Except it wasn’t, really.


	2. Chapter 2

“So which one is the biceps?”

“Huh?”, The staff was just setting up and while Toshiya had heaved some of the gear on stage himself, Shinya was watching from next to his pedestal. Kyo had slumped into a seat in the second row, but instead of watching the stage setup from the spectator’s view, he was on his phone again, muttering to himself.   
Die and Kaoru were on the far end of the stage, laughing about some inside joke, that they never cared to explain to anyone.

“Which muscle exactly is the biceps”, Shinya more stated than asked, as Toshiya straightened up with a quizzical look on his face. “I know its somewhere on the front of the arm, but there seem to be more than I was aware.” He gestured vaguely at Toshiya’s arm, who looked down at it as if he, too, was noticing his muscles for the first time. But after a split second of wonder at the question, his face brightened.

“This one”, he flexed, pointing at the outline of the biceps brachii muscle. “It’s called biceps because it consists of two parts: the long head and the short head.” Shinya pushed off the container he was leaning on, housing one part of his golden drumset and got closer, looking interested. Toshiya beamed at him. The only one mildly interested in building muscle was Kyo and god knew he wasn’t the most talkative about the details. It was nice having one of his closest colleagues take an interest in it, albeit the least one he’d expected it from.

“And what exercises do you do to train them?”, Shinya asked, lifting a hand and placing it tentatively on the part of Toshiya’s arm he had indicated before. His fingers were cold, but Toshiya smiled at the touch. “Oh you know, all kinds of stuff. Best known isolated exercise would be simple curls I guess.”   
He caught the puzzled look on the drummer’s face and overlooked the fact that it was near impossible, that Shinya had no idea what curls were. The man might look like an underfed princess, who’d never heard of exercise, but he certainly wasn’t. But that didn’t cross Toshiya’s mind, when he started doing curls with no weight in hand, flexing hard to show the muscles working, when the younger man had removed his hand to watch.

And watch.

Toshiya had somehow expected some sort of “aha” moment, indicating that he could stop, but since none came, he found himself continuing to “dry curl” for a few reps, then switching the position of his hands. “There are different kinds of curls of course. This would be the hammer curl. It doesn’t actually target the biceps but the brachialis, which brings out the bulk in the arms.”

“I see”, Shinya said slowly, still watching his bandmate demonstrate the exercise.

“You can do those with an incline or decline on a bench too – it helps to switch things up.” He smiled and stopped curling, eyeing Shinya with an interest, whose gaze had followed his arm to the resting position, too. “Are you thinking about starting to bulk up?” He was ready to offer his help, eager even, and his heart fell a little, when Shinya replied a swift and firm: “No.”

“Oh”, Toshiya couldn’t help but let his disappointment show. A workout buddy who shared at least some of his interests would have been something.

“But it’s nice watching you do those exercises”, Shinya said, seemingly unaware of his bassist’s disappointment or maybe he actually wanted to cheer him up. If so, it worked because Toshiya smiled again, showing off his teeth he’d suffered so hard to straighten out. “You can join me at the gym some time, watch me at it”, he joked and turned to his beer, took a long sip and then looked around to see where else he could help, deeming the banter on muscles finished.

“When?”

“Huh?”

“When can I join you at the gym?”

Toshiya blinked. Was Shinya trying to tease him back? He looked dead serious, but when did he ever not look dead serious? Confused, Toshiya actually mentally checked his schedule. “I guess I’ll be getting a session in back in Tokyo, before the tour final.”

“I’ll be free in the afternoon”, Shinya replied, and they looked at each other for a moment, silently. Then, Toshiya heard himself say “I’ll pick you up at two.”

And that was that.

Except it wasn’t.


	3. Dum Spiro Spare me the excuses

Toshiya found himself sitting in his car, parked across the street of the building Shinya lived in. He could see the infamous balcony that had earned the drummer a lawsuit for illegally building on it from his car. His thumb hovered over the “send” button, as he went over what he was about to do in his head.

What exactly was he about to do?

There were three options:

  1. He was about to honor a planned meeting with a colleague.
  2. He was about to fall victim to an intricate prank.
  3. He was being an idiot for not being able to tell between joke and reality.

Technically, he had set a time and date with Shinya, for a visit at the gym. Until the moment he’d arrived and typed out the ‘I’m here, across the street’, he hadn’t even given this a second thought. He had remembered: the day before the final, 2 pm, Shinya’s house, and so he had packed his gym bag, jumped in the car and go.

Now however, he gave it a second thought.

And a third.

Pranks weren’t as common anymore as they’d used to be, and most of the time, Shinya was on the receiving end of any jokes, pranks and general harassment, but the man could retaliate. And boy, when he did…

But he hadn’t done anything to warrant retaliation, that he was sure of. They’d had a particularly good dynamic during this tour, especially given how there hadn’t been any dynamic with the others, with their vocalist married to his cellphone and their guitarists married to a book about guitars.

Granted, Shinya could be cruel, but he wasn’t outright mean. He wouldn’t trick him into thinking they were going to meet up only to laugh at him. At least Toshiya was 87% sure, he wouldn’t.

But the possibility that strongly remained was, that he had just misunderstood something. Maybe the whole thing had been just in the moment and Shinya had never expected to actually be picked up at two o’clock on their one day off before the final after a sweaty, way too hot summer tour.

>>Drums<< You’re late

Toshiya gawked at the screen.

>>Drums<< I hate when people are late what’s the hold up

So, he hadn’t misunderstood?

>>Drums<< Don’t blame the traffic

They actually were going to the gym, together?

>>Drums<< You owe me a beer.

<< I’m here.

<<I’ll get you a protein shake.

>>Drums<< They better have almond milk.

A minute later, Shinya was at the passenger’s door and got into the car. He had his hair in a little ponytail, shorter parts pinned back neatly.

Toshiya realized, that he hadn’t seen the other with his hair up in a while, and while the varying shades of pearly grey or ash blond framing his face suited him, it was refreshing to get a chance to see his features unobstructed by soft curtains of hair. He looked kinda feminine and soft, but his expression was rather icy. He hadn’t joked about meeting up, and he had certainly not joked about hating when people were late…

“They do have almond milk”, Toshiya beamed, despite the stony face he was greeted with, turning his phone screen to Shinya to indicate what he was referring to. The drummer looked at the screen, then an ably trimmed eyebrow rose up.

“You got me saved as ‘drums’? Really?” He asked and Toshiya blinked.

“Oh” He turned his phone around again, checking the screen. “Suppose I do…”

“Charming.”

“Wanna change it?” He threw his phone into the other’s lap and restarted his car. Shinya watched him for a moment, then he picked up the phone and started typing. Checking the back mirror for traffic before backing out of his parking slot, the bassist found his reflection grinning brightly back at him.

Never mind the frown and the sarcasm. Turned out, meeting Shinya in private between concerts was fun, even just 2 minutes in.

And that was that.

Except, of course, it wasn’t.


	4. Behind a vacant cable row machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What did Shinya change his name to in Toshiya's contacts?  
Does Kyo have a secret lover?  
None of these questions get answered in this chapter..  
\----------

They arrived at the gym after some nagging from the passenger’s seat, stating how the traffic wasn’t so bad, which meant whatever lesser reason Toshiya had had to be late was clearly invalid as well. The bassist laughed it off, rather enjoying what he assumed was only half-serious berating from the blonde, and since he wasn’t planning on divulging his minutes of insecurity after arriving (almost) on time, there was no honest excuse he could give anyway.

“I’m sorry, okay?”, he finally said with a smile, as he parked and opened his seatbelt. Shinya gave a huff, causing a chuckle to leave Toshiya’s throat. He wasn’t always in on the whole ‘pester Shinya for fun’ game, that his band mates engaged in ever so happily, but he certainly saw the appeal. The drummer had a funny way of reacting, almost adorable, even.

He got out of the car, and grabbed his gymbag from the backseat, taking another look at Shinya, who still frowned.

“I’ll make it worth your while”, he promised and thought he caught the tiniest twitch of a smile on the younger’s lips, before he turned to open the door and get out of the car.

They arrived at the reception and Toshiya explained to the young woman, that he had brought his colleague to watch, rather than train himself.

“I can pay a fee”, Shinya threw in, shrugging, but the receptionist shook her head. “It’s okay, it’s your first time here and you’re in experienced company, so feel free to take a look around today.”

She handed him a key for a locker and Toshiya showed him, how to use it to pass the automated doors beyond the reception. Barely out of earshot of the receptionist, he turned to Shinya with a bright smile.

“I’m experienced company”, he repeated proudly, only to almost trip from his half sideways walk he’d fallen into to fully face his drummer.

“You are also an idiot”, Shinya replied calmly and without much expression on his smooth features, but upon entering the changing rooms, there was a small smile on his lips.

Toshiya opened his regular locker, taking out his gym shoes he kept there and starting to change, while Shinya looked for his locker number, that was in the next row and a little smaller than the premium membership’s permanent lockers. When the bassist ventured over to check on him, Shinya had already changed into grey Yoga pants and a white T-Shirt and was producing a fabric bag from his Louis Vuitton, that contained some light and clean trainers.

“You look sporty”, Toshiya said, “Are you gonna join me for a good sweat after all?”

“Absolutely not. I just don’t want to look like an idiot in there.”

“Don’t worry, you look fine. Kinda like an enthusiastic mom who came to her son’s football game.”

“You better work on your compliments and score some goals then, son.”

Toshiya laughed and Shinya rolled his eyes, smiling. He put on his trainers and they left the changing room together.

“Hot mom?”, Toshiya offered, on their way to the stairs that led to the weight section.

“Forget it. That train has passed.”

Toshiya was enjoying himself greatly. He was showing Shinya around and having his undivided attention made him feel kind of important. Like ‘experienced company’, which was nice. He did a little warm-up and after that, the banter continued, while he started his exercises with Shinya watching him, handing him his towel or water bottle when needed. Soon, the drummer had learned how to change the amount of weight on the machines and Toshiya noticed he seemed almost excited about asking if he could do 5kg more. More excited than his usual, level-headed self, anyway, which was about 10% as excited as Toshiya got over having someone say things like “That looks hard” and “This is probably as much as I weigh” and “I never knew you could do things like this”.

It was, admittedly, a rather uncoordinated workout session and pretty far from his regular regime, since he traded focus on body areas and repetitions for variety, wanting to show Shinya every machine and every free weighted exercise he could think of.

Shinya acted as a kind of personal hype man all along, but he did try some machines himself.

“I’m mostly doing light exercise at home with my personal trainer”, he explained, asking over and over, if he was doing things right and Toshiya was happy to correct him if necessary and praise, where possible. He was delighted to be asked for advice, especially from Shinya, who rarely ever asked for anything from anyone, much less the bassist.

Helping with bench presses, holding the weight with ease, that Shinya struggled with was a special lot of fun, although he tried not to feel too superior to the blonde, making sure the ego push wouldn’t sweep him off his feet.

It wasn’t until they got to the squat rack, that Shinya showed more expertise himself.

“You’re arching your back too much. Try to keep it straight”, he advised, and Toshiya corrected his pose, throwing an expectant side glance.

“Better?” Shinya nodded, but after three more reps he stepped closer, putting his hand on the small of Toshiya’s back, to remind him of keeping good form. Toshiya was as delighted with the help as he was with explaining everything to the drummer, but he felt the suspicion creep up on him, that if Shinya knew what a good squat looked like, he probably knew what curls were… possibly a good deal more. It made him wonder, why the shorter man let him teach things he knew, when he was usually a rather sore loser, hardly admitting when he messed up during practice or on stage, which arguably didn’t happen often.

After the workout, they both got down on mats in the stretching area and Shinya showed his merciless side again, pushing Toshiya deeper into stretches wherever he could, eyes twinkling rather happily when the black-haired started whining about the pain.

In turn, Shinya did a few dynamic stretches as a warmup, then proceeded to static stretches, proving that he had the upper hand in one discipline after all, and enduring the rather careful aid Toshiya gave him in deepening his stretches.

Once through with that, they took the stairs upwards again and Toshiya showed his companion the sauna, the cardio floor, the classes floor and finally the bar, where they ordered protein shakes. Vanilla with almond milk for Shinya and a regular cookies and cream flavored for Toshiya, who paid as promised.

They sat down in comfortably cushioned lounge chairs, watching people enter and leave and soon engaged in playful mockery of the gym goers, trying to fit them into categories like ‘skips leg day every day’, ‘is only here for the hot yoga teacher’, ‘comes here every two months to feel like the membership fee is paying off’.

Altogether, Toshiya couldn’t remember when he’d last had so much fun at the gym – and if he was honest, he couldn’t remember when he’d last had so much fun with Shinya either. They weren’t particularly close, which felt like a shame now, that he was remembered, that they could have a lot of fun together. Still, Toshiya doubted whether they wouldn’t run out of topics for casual talk soon if they met like this more often and decided not to force anything just because of his sudden exhilaration about their time together.

“You mind if I drive you home like this? I prefer showering at home, to be honest.” Toshiya asked, after they had finished their shakes.

“You’re rather sweaty, but I’m not even as disgusted as I should be.”

“Oh. Thanks, I guess?”

“Indeed.”

“By the way”, Toshiya asked as they made their way through the heavier traffic, “What have you got me saved as in your contacts?” He had just remembered, their conversation on the way here and made a mental note to check what Shinya had changed his name to at home.

“I don’t kiss and tell”, Shinya said simply, not even looking at Toshiya, whose eyes left the street for a brief moment to glance at the drummer by his side.

“You do know this makes me more curious, right?”

“I do”, Shinya said and smirked to himself, still looking ahead on the street.

Toshiya gave a huff and focused back on the traffic.

“Toshimasa? Toshiya (B)? Bass T? Basser from another Mother?”

“You’re never gonna guess it, trust me. You might persuade me to tell you though.”

“Okay, what do I have to do?”

“Not today.”

“Tomorrow? I could whisper ‘Play faster’ into Kaoru’s ear after every song. I could step on Kyo’s mic cable or make him trip…”

“What kind of suggestions are those even?”

“I don’t know, I’m living your fantasy, I can move around on stage, do everything you secretly want to do.”

“Like ripping your shirt so half your chest is bare?”

“It was an accident!”

“…”

“Come on, tell me.” They had arrived in front of Shinya’s house already. “I can lock the doors until you tell me”, the bassist offered, and Shinya turned to face him, blinking once, very slowly.

“Don’t agonize me or I’ll change your name to ‘Bass’ and you’ll never know what it was before.”

“I showed you Snatch-grip barbell high pulls!”

“You were late!”

“I bought you a shake!”

“See you tomorrow, Toshiya.”

“Fine. See you tomorrow.” He let his bandmate leave, but after the door had snapped shut, he lowered the window and called after the drummer: “Tell me tomorrow?!”, but all he got in response was a wave of a hand over the shoulder.

And that was that.

Except, of course, it wasn’t gonna be.


	5. Sadism and tail wagging

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not what I meant to proceed to, but I figured we need to answer at least one question real quick.  
\-----

Later that day, Toshiya remembered to check his phone. And low and behold, there was a message up on the screen from no-one other than…

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> Thanks for the invitation. I had fun.

At the sight of the name and the content of the text, Toshiya’s lips split into such a wide grin, that he actually spilled part of his sip of beer onto himself, which made him snort with laughter, while trying not to spit any more out. Coughing and feeling the burning prickle of beer up his nose, he put down the can and got up to clean himself up, throwing the shirt off before it started stinking like stale beer and putting on what used to be a tour shirt and was now a muscle shirt instead.

Once cleaned up, he returned to the couch, grabbed his phone and got to answering, feeling quite elated again, as he read the short message a second time.

>> Me too! And sorry for making you wait. Wasn’t my intention.

He put the phone away in exchange for the beer, looking at the ceiling with content pulsing through his veins. Maybe he did overdo it a bit on the happiness side. All he’d done was spend a fun afternoon with someone. It wasn’t like that never happened. He had his friends, had his fun afternoons… Only, he hadn’t had one so unexpected in a while. And not with Shinya. And him and his friends were so used to having fun together that nobody cared to say ‘thanks I had fun’ anymore. That was reason enough to be a bit giddy about it, right?

And just as though to add a delicious cherry on top, his phone buzzed after a surprisingly short while, and once again, the rather obnoxious title Shinya had given himself flashed up on the screen. Toshiya hadn’t expected much of an answer, but of course, he was delighted to get one and so soon.

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> I might give you another chance to be on time.

All thought about being too giddy for the occasion vanished into thin air. Thin, delight filled air. Maybe he was just easily entertained, but even the mental image as himself as a dog, wagging his tail just because someone called his name, couldn’t keep him from grinning to himself.

So what if he got more out of this than the situation logically offered. Life was too short not to be overexcitable.

>> Now that’s very kind of you, I didn’t know you to be so merciful

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> I am not a monster

>> Of course not. An angel, even, judging from how someone saved you in my contacts.

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> And quite appropriately so.

>> Speaking of contacts

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> I’m not telling you

>> Give me a hint at least

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> You’ll never guess it, even with a hint.

>> You are a monster after all

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> Can’t you take a little suspense?

>> Nope.  
>> Tell me  
>> Please

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> You’re the kind of savage who reads the last page of a book first

>> And you’re the kind of savage who gets a man interested and then abandons him in cold water.

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> I’m an angel teaching you the virtue of patience  
<<Seraph who hates waiting>> And did you mean ‘in cold blood’

>> I said what I meant. Sadist.

<<Seraph who hates waiting>> Insults will not lead to results

>> You leave me no choice

<<Seraph who is also a sadist>> There’s always a choice

>> This is getting deep  
>>What’s my name?

<<Seraph who is also a sadist>> Go to bed, Toshiya.

>> Send me a screenshot real quick

<<Seraph who is also a sadist>> Sweet dreams.

>> Good night, angel.

<<Seraph who is also a sadist>> Good night, ###########

>> Omg that’s a long name  
>> Kana, Kanji or Romaji?  
>> Numbers or emoji included?  
>> Any spaces in there?  
>> Give me something to work with here  
>> PLEASE

<<Seraph who is also a sadist>> It’s kind of a pun and that’s all I’m saying.  
<<Seraph who is also a sadist>> See you tomorrow.

>> THE SUSPENSE

And that was that.

For that day, at least.


	6. Clever Shirtoff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title pun diesn't really work does it...
> 
> Lemme just put it out there that to me personally, the most attractive thing about Toshiya is that he's a darn good bass player.
> 
> With that being said: This chapter is Shinya's POV
> 
> \------

“Hey, Angel, you feelin’ sore today?”, were Toshiya’s first words, when he entered, and Shinya’s lips twitched as he tried to keep himself from breaking into a too wide smile. From the corner of his eyes, he could see that Die had looked up with a mildly disturbed expression, that was most amusing to behold.

“No, but it was you doing most of the work, so…” He saw Die’s face break into outright bewilderment, before his eyes darted to Toshiya, back to Shinya and then, seeking help or some sort of reaction, to Kaoru, who hadn’t even looked up from the book, he and his fellow guitarist were once again huddled over together.

Toshiya, too, seemed to have noticed their bandmate’s look, but he too smiled at Die, then at Shinya, who caught his eyes and wheezed quietly, lifting his hands to cover his face a little. It was easy to see, what was going on: Toshiya was delighted by the fact that they had sort of an insider that the others weren’t in on. And Die… was probably really disturbed about the suggestive nature of the short exchange. He wasn’t sure if the bassist himself had even caught on to that. The man was probably just happy they had a fun thing to talk about. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong. But Shinya also wasn’t mad if things sounded a little…dubious.

Something to work on.

“So”, he said, still smiling, “are you feeling okay?”

“Perfectly fine”, Toshiya said with mounting motivation, “Yesterday was just what I needed. I’m all energized!” He lifted one arm, flexing and tapping his biceps. Shinya could have screamed with laughter, at the sight of Die’s jaw actually dropping a little. He was now rapidly looking back and forth and even elbowing Kaoru a little, who still hadn’t caught on. Of course, he didn’t scream or laugh. In fact, he probably just blushed a little, which wasn’t exactly according to plan, but he could feel his face warming up a little, just from seeing the bassist so happy and pumped and… tapping his biceps.

“I’m glad to hear that”, Shinya said, putting on a softer voice than usual and they exchanged another smile.

Toshiya got himself a drink and after a minute or two, Kaoru finally looked up, closing his book.

“Let’s get going then?”, he suggested, and Die looked at him with silent judgement for what exactly nobody could tell, but probably simply for not sharing his reaction to how Toshiya had greeted Shinya. It was quite hilarious.

“We’re starting without vocals?”, he asked, instead of voicing any of his other thoughts.

“Vocals is going to be late”, Kaoru shrugged, and Shinya rolled his eyes.

“Does anybody know what’s going on with ‘vocals’ recently?”

“Why?”, Kaoru asked, looking surprised. Granted, Kyo coming in later wasn’t anything new or necessarily to worry about, but the lad had been acting a bit out of sorts during the whole tour and Shinya had given up trying to find out in favor of… enjoying more entertaining sights. He threw a side glance to Toshiya, who was regrettably well covered in clothes.   
For now.

“I think he’s got a bitchy girlfriend”, Die offered, getting up too. Kaoru frowned, his lips forming his infamous little pout.

“Yes, bitchy girlfriends are _everyone’s_ biggest problems, how could I forget”, Shinya replied, sarcasm blazing and Die shrugged.

“You asked. Stupid questions get stupid answers.”

Shinya gave him his slow-blink of death and followed their leader and bassist to the stage for some sound-checking.

Kyo arrived when they were just about finished with the setup and did his little sound check with sunglasses on and a hand deep in his pocket. Nothing to worry about, Shinya thought, and his eyes wandered to the right instead, wondering when Toshiya was going to take of the button up shirt he was loosely wearing over what probably was a muscle shirt.

Please let it be a muscle shirt…

The blonde left the stage once everything was set up on his part and since it was still early for hair and makeup, he took a seat on a sofa by a small table, checking his pet camera at home via the app to see if everything was alright.

“Hey”, a voice said and looking up, he saw Kyo standing there, cigarette in mouth. “I kinda need some advice.”

“Step into my office”, Shinya replied with an air of professionalism and put his phone down, sliding sideways on the couch to offer more room and the smaller man took a seat, shoulders drooping.

They sat in silence for a while, Shinya waiting patiently, although he noticed that a certain bassist was circling the perimeters kind of aimlessly and it would have been nice to have room on the sofa to give him an aim and also maybe find a reason for him to take of that bothersome shirt.

“It’s just… if there’s someone you like. And they seem to like you, too. But whenever you try to, y’know, get closer, they pull away. What do you do?”

Oh dear, Shinya thought, I hate when Die’s remotely right.

“Confront them, I’d say. Confess, tell them you felt like they might feel the same.”

“I did, but then they said no so I started over and we ended up in the same conversation and that has happened like 5 times already.”

“Ouch. How about accepting they’re playing with you and moving on?”

“No. I know I can get this. I just need to find out how…”

“Okay Romeo”, Shinya said, getting up and cutting the conversation short. He had seen Toshiya sit down for Makeup and the seat next to him screamed his name more than Kyo’s probably self-inflicted heartbreak. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you”, he added, and the vocalist nodded and sighed deeply, leaning back on the couch and pulling out his phone again.

Kaoru was slow-shuffling toward the empty seat next to their bassist, but Shinya beat him to it with ease and parked his butt, smiling at Toshiya.

“Getting makeup done in that shirt?”, he asked and Toshiya’s head perked up immediately, reminding him of his pets when they heard the food bowls making some noise.

“Yup”, the black haired said, popping the ‘p’. “I can change into the stage outfit with makeup on no problem.

“Hm. You might want to be careful with that shirt though. I have a similar one and the fabric doesn’t take makeup and powder stains too well.”

“Oh”, Toshiya said, sitting upright and slipping out of the shirt after a worried glance at it. “Thanks man”, he muttered.

“No problem”, Shinya beamed and then sighed contently. A muscle shirt. God bless. He’d buy postcards with this view on them.

And while he was marveling at his luck and manipulative expertise, Toshiya looked all clueless and happy. He had a very nice profile, too, Shinya noticed and added to his self-praise what a good taste he had. His straight nose and the soft curve into his forehead seemed almost flawless and the natural little pout of his lips when he smiled and the way the corners of his mouth curled up into his cheeks was just adorable.   
Age had done him well. That, or he, Shinya, had really overlooked what a handsome man Toshiya was, and Shinya didn’t like to admit he overlooked anything, so he went with the age theory.

He turned to the mirror, continuing to watch Toshiya, and didn’t bat an eyelash, when the older one looked up and noticed, grinning at him through the mirror.

Shinya smiled back calmly, and that was that.

For now, anyway.


	7. We all stink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last live has come and an old friend arrives.  
\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I lost the keeping-things-short-vibe here. It's long and nothing happens but I hope that's ok.  
I'm also sorry for making Die sound a little like a whiny princess. He's a lobster and I love him.  
\------  
\------

The concert was a blast. The fans went wild and wilder, the instruments were tuned to peak sound and the lights and effects were handled with precision. The crowd roared and squealed, when Toshiya let his deep V-neck tunic slip over his shoulder once, showing off his chest and knowing, that he would be the focus on the video walls right now, he threw his most mysterious, stern look into the depth of the hall and all the while he was smiling to himself on the inside.  
It wasn’t like he necessarily needed to hear he was handsome to feel good, but every time someone yelled his name over the general noise of the crowd, every time loud screams let him know that he was _sexy_, he just felt like they were telling him “Well done, thank you for doing your best. We appreciate your effort.”   
Somewhere in the back of his head, he was dimly aware, that some fans might have phrased it more along the lines of ‘You’re hawt lemme have ur bebes’, but he could ignore that and bathe in the blissful, purposefully naïve feeling of simply being appreciated.

Kaoru next to him was having a good time too, seeming energetic and not too slow, except maybe during his solo in Riyuu, which dragged on so very _adagio_, that Toshiya would have thrown a cautions glance over the shoulder to make sure he knew when to duck, in case Shinya threw a drumstick at Kaoru, but for one thing, he was too professional and busy posing to turn, and for another, their drummer had enough self-restraint. Or so he hoped.

Kyo went all out. The frustration he threw at the crowd was like a constant projectile vomit of sounds. Impressive, dramatic, dark and melodious. Toshiya didn’t know half of the newer song’s lyrics or hadn’t quite grasped them even if he had read them, but he could still feel the songs deeply and he thought that Kyo could probably have conveyed his emotions even if he’d been singing in Klingon…. which sometimes he sounded like he was, anyway. The thought made him grin and he wondered if that last part had sounded like Shinya’s sneering voice in his head, because he’d spend so much time talking to him during this tour.

Things went quite perfectly until the encore, when Die came over to his side, switching places with Kaoru. Parts of the crowd broke into renewed waves of extasy and Toshiya didn’t step back fast enough, as Die flipped his long mane of ginger hair in one elegant, flowing movement. Some strands hit him across the face, whipping at his eyes and catching in his mouth. The black haired spat and blinked stupidly, while stumbling a step back and Kyo, who’d caught the incident by pure chance, wheezed into the microphone, before cackling along with the fans who’d noticed what had happened. Die looked around, laughing and the three of them had a small fit of the giggles along with the crowd, while Kaoru and Shinya just kept playing.

Toshiya thought, that the accident might make the cut to the DVD just because of Die’s laugh. People were crazy about it and he could certainly see why. He vaguely wondered when he’d last seen their drummer laugh whole-heartedly and without restraint like Die often did. Maybe drunk back in the states, a few years ago. Then again, maybe he himself rarely laughed like Die either and he certainly didn’t look so good while doing it. Kind of unfair, how some people could look gorgeous in the most candid moments and others just didn’t. Then again, there was something to be said for shy or well-measured smiles. Like the ones Shinya had given him while bench-pressing another 5kg more.

The next song was more energetic, and Toshiya decided to put his smile-pondering aside for later and enjoy the last moments on stage with full concentration on the music, that was pulsing through his veins.

When the last song was played and it was time to say goodbye to the crowd, the tour, and the feeling of being alive, more than anywhere else, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to cry or laugh, and maybe he did a bit of both, grinning with watering eyes at the hundreds of faces beneath him, as he threw picks and water bottles, a half drunken beer, a towel…basically whatever he could grab… at the crying and yelling people.

Kaoru was still busy gathering his picks to start _feeding the fish_, when Kyo was long gone, Die was playing with his side of the crowd, after having thrown all he had, and the infamous box was free, so Toshiya hopped lightly onto what was a steep climb for the small vocalist and lifted his arms in a wide embrace.  
Cheers erupted, echoed louder as he lifted his hands higher, encouragingly. The noise grew louder still and a little higher suddenly, and Toshiya flinched in surprise, when something soft brushed against the underside of his arm. Shinya had ducked under his arm, stepping next to him onto the box, fitting on the edge easily, despite the wide stance Toshiya had taken. It didn’t feel at all, like he was trying to steal his limelight and Toshiya smiled and sank his arm lightly around the drummer’s shoulder, as he had basically snuck himself there anyway. He felt bony and surprisingly cool and dry, compared to the heat and sweat Toshiya had worked up.

Shinya started to aim his first drumstick and Toshiya let him go, so he could throw freely. He didn’t quite know where to put his hand afterwards, other than letting it awkwardly hang by his side, his broad shoulder brushing against Shinya now, as he wasn’t ready to leave the centerstage yet. Shinya aimed again, huffing and shrugging apologetically, as his stick fell rather short into the front rows, while the back was shouting themselves hoarse. He elbowed Toshiya in the ribs and handed him one more battered looking drumstick, pointing to the far back of the crowd.

“What, you want me to throw it?”, Toshiya asked rather stupidly, and Shinya rolled his eyes at him.

“No, I want you to lick it and do a little dance”, he replied, sarcasm dripping from his plush lips like honey from a beehive. His words were nearly drowned by the enthusiasm that greeted his gesture of asking Toshiya for help, who aimed, grinning and internally praying he wasn’t gonna stab someone’s eye out with this thing. He threw more carefully and managed not to hit the ceiling, a spotlight or anyone’s eye as far as he could tell and he smiled at the way Shinya did a little bow in his direction as a thanks, then greeted the crowd once more, saying goodbye, as Kaoru slowly shuffled closer, looking pleased and one quarter asleep.  
Toshiya hopped down, making room for the leader, and Shinya followed, using his shoulder to secure himself while climbing down. Out of reflex, Toshiya’s hand went to where Shinya clasped his shoulder, holding on to it lightly, to make sure he didn’t slip on his sweaty skin.

The drummer left the stage before him, but upon being passed by him, he saw that Shinya, too, looked very pleased, rather than just his ever neutral, measured self.

“Afterparty”, someone shouted mere seconds – or so it felt – after Toshiya had buried his sweaty face in a towel and allowed the exhaustion that had been held back by adrenaline to slowly make its way into his limbs. Looking up, he saw Boo walking toward them, arms wide and catching Kaoru in one arm and Die in the other. Both guitarists looked like Christmas had come early.

“I got us the whole VIP Lounge, all night, so who’s coming?” Some of the staff cheered and Toshiya kicked himself back up from where he’d been sitting and nodded too.

“Shinya?”, Boo asked, and Toshiya’s eyes followed those of the VJ, spotting Shinya with crossed legs and a bottle of water, looking like he’d just done a light jog at the most. _Hot football mom_, he thought, smirking to himself.

“I didn’t plan on going out today”, the blonde drawled, pursing his lips as Kaoru muttered a “Come on, just one drink.”

“Or two”, Toshiya interjected, and Shinya threw him a long, weirdly calculating glance, then nodded.

“Fine, I’m coming”, he agreed with a shrug and Toshiya punched his fist in the air in triumph, feeling rather proud for seemingly having been the deciding factor here, but nobody seemed to want to voice how special that made him.

“Kyo-chan?”, Boo asked instead, his wide face and beady eyes filled with hope. Kyo gave a melodramatic sigh.

“Dunno… Can’t promise I’ll be good company, but I _guess_ it might do me good…” If Kaoru and Die had looked like kids on Christmas in face of a surprise party with Boo, it was nothing to Boo’s face as Kyo agreed to join them. He looked like he was ready to kick both guitarists out of his arms and hug Kyo instead, but he was probably aware of how inappropriate that would’ve been, so he just beamed and nodded, at a loss for words.

“We’ll cheer y’up little man”, Toshiya hummed, who stood closest to Kyo and patted his shoulder.

“Indeed”, Shinya agreed, who had very suddenly and very mysteriously appeared between him and the vocalist. Toshiya wondered if he felt like he needed to mark his position as Kyo’s foremost friend. It didn’t bother him per se, but he rather felt like it was unnecessary. It wasn’t like he wanted to play Kyo’s babysitter or take anything else from the drummer, that he had the privilege to share with the vocal every now and then.

“Okay, just give me time to freshen up, I can’t go out like that”, Die said, running a hand through his silky hair to detangle it and not finding much to detangle.

“You look gorgeous as always”, Boo said honestly and Kaoru leaned forward a little, to peak past the now wide with muscles VJ. “Yeah, look’n fine, dude”, he said with a shrug and relaxed back into Boo’s arm, who still clutched the two musicians to his sides like he never wanted to let them go, even though his eyes were on Kyo.

Toshiya tried not to roll his eyes at the round of ‘You’re beautiful, Die’, but shrugged it off with a “Plus, we all stink.”

“Speak for yourself”, Shinya said pointedly and even wrinkled his nose at him, in what Toshiya could only hope was _mock_ disgust. “What happened between the two of you anyway?”, Shinya asked with a stern tone, his eyes darting between Die and Toshiya. He sounded rather like a _strict football mom_ now. Like they’d done something on purpose to disrupt the show.

“Nothing happened _between_ us”, Die said, rather irritably and Toshiya felt the sudden urge to say something somehow mediating, but Kyo beat him to it by cackling rather madly.

“Die made him chew on his split ends”, he announced, clearly enjoying the memory.

“I don’t have split ends”, Die spat and Toshiya shrugged, as he caught Shinya’s eye.

They did freshen up after all, Toshiya in the lead, as he didn’t stay for the bickering or the reenactment of his stupid face when he’d been whipped with hair, that Kyo and Boo pulled off for Kaoru and Shinya.

He showered quickly, without washing his hair and was ready to go about ten minutes later. He’d already packed up and was only looking for his glasses, that he’d forgotten in the showers, when he heard Die saying, “I really don’t have split ends, look.”

“I know you don’t”, Kaoru said soothingly, letting out a sigh as Die stepped closer, holding up a strand of his hair.

“No, _look_”, he insisted childishly and Toshiya, having found his glasses, turned to leave. “Wait”, Die demanded, pointing an accusing brush-tip of hair at him. “Did you think I have split ends?”

This time, Toshiya did roll his eyes, albeit rather fondly. “They didn’t taste split”, he reassured, “just like a whole lot of hair product.” Kaoru gave his signature chuckle while pulling an oversized sweater over his head despite the night still being young and warm.

Out in the hallway, a blow-dryer was whirring, and Toshiya found Kyo, who’d apparently showered fully, getting his hair blow-dried by Boo who looked estatic, while Shinya looked on critically and Nora looked on, wheezing and choking on her laughter.

As Boo turned off the blow-dryer and lowered it, Toshiya saw why.

“You look…”, began Shinya, but Boo shook his head frantically behind Kyo’s back, looking terrified.

“Like an exploded hamster?”, Toshiya supplied very quietly, leaning in to Shinya so only he could hear and the drummer, apparently not having noticed his arrival, winced and shuddered.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

“I didn’t sneak. There was a blow-dryer blaring.”

“It was still a sneak attack, don’t deny it.” The bassist chuckled and wondered, why they were still talking in an almost whisper, like they were sharing some intimate secret and he decided, that should the situation allow it, he was going to sit next to the drummer tonight, just in case they needed to exchange more secret accuses and or names for Kyo’s hairstyle, because Shinya now leaned in even closer and muttered: “I think I once saw a cat cough up something similar” and Toshiya wheezed and laughed.

And we all know that wasn't it. Or was it?


	8. Say my name, say my name

Boo was as wonderful a host off camera, as he was on camera. He made sure everyone got a safe ride to the bar he’d chosen, made sure everyone got in through the backdoor alright and he welcomed them all again, as if they hadn’t just talked backstage and some of them the whole way to the bar.

He was a ray of sunshine amidst the team who’d been slowly leaning toward exhaustion at the end of the tour and his vigour and joy was infectious, spreading through the vip lounge like a warming fire. The VJ was exceptionally good at making everyone feel welcome and special, too. Though Kaoru might easily be his most frequent contact and Kyo his most prized icon, he talked to everyone as though he was nothing but thrilled for them to be here, from the band, to Inoue, to the newest staff member who’d just joined this tour as a roadie. Everyone was a special guest, although Boo did make sure he had the whole band on one table, his table. But that was perfectly fine.

And, as the situation allowed it, Toshiya did find himself next to Shinya, who sat stiff and kind of uncomfortable at first, but relaxed just as much as everyone else did, while Boo bustled around, making sure everyone got their favourite drink, was comfortable and had a bowl of snacks within reach and, if necessary, an ashtray.

Then he began a round of toasts and again, Toshiya liked how he chose to praise the staff first, after thanking everyone for coming, mentioning details of that night that most people wouldn’t have noticed, and the bassist was sure that some of the incidents he reproduced had happened on concerts across the country. Kaoru had probably told him about those things and the heroic repair of a broken effector received a round of applause just as the just as heroic shopping at a seven eleven after a caterer had not shown up and everyone had been hungry and thirsty.

After Boo had started the round of toasts, Kaoru got up, acting the leader as he thanked the management, the label, the staff and by the time the toasts got to thanking the band, Toshiya was already on his second drink just from drinking to everyone mentioned.

“Thanks Kyo, for singing with a sore throat again and for not making me do backing vocals when I was hungover.” Everyone laughed and applauded Kyo, and Boo added a whole little speech about the vocalist’s genius to which everyone had to agree and even the gloomy little man lightened up and laughed along with them, when Boo added a thanks to the tailors who allowed Kyo to squat without ripping his pants around the bottom.

“Thanks Shinya, for only missing beats about three times…”

“I did NOT”, the drummer sneered, but he didn’t look too offended.

“…and thanks for putting up with my slow pace again.”

“Hear, hear”, the blonde said, raising his glass first and with a murmur of agreement, the others did as well, Toshiya chortling into his beer a little.

“Thanks Toshiya, for not knocking me over on stage this tour”, Kaoru continued, “And for always having my back up on stage.” The bassist beamed at this and he found, that it had been a great idea of Boo to invite them out. They wouldn’t have been sitting here getting compliments from the one and only Japanese el mariachi without him. A simple ‘well done guys’ during the debriefing would’ve been all.

“Thanks Masaru”, he finished, patting his fellow guitarist, who was sitting next to him, smiling all teeth, “For, you know, being an awesome guitarist, dragging my drunk ass back to the hotel…”

“I want to hear that story!”, Boo burst out immediately and after another round of cheering and toasting and drinking, the Vip Lounge slowly fell into smaller groups of chatter, Die recounting to Boo how Kaoru had slipped up one night, getting drunk out of his skull and Kyo supplying how when he’d met Kaoru next morning and all the man had done had been shaking his head, whispering “Beer, beer…”

Toshiya listened to the story unfolding on the other side of the table and checked his watch. Just with toasts and general celebration of everyone present, over an hour had passed and before he knew it, he was on his third large beer and next to him, Shinya had been brought a second white wine spritzer without asking for one. The bassist noticed, how the blonde took out his phone, probably to check his pet camera, and, torn between curiosity and the decency not to pry into the drummer’s private space, Toshiya only chanced a small side glance on the screen, before realization hit him. This was his chance!

Carefully, moving slowly and presumably silently, he took out his own phone, kept it low next to his thigh to avoid the flashing screen from alarming his prey, and opened his contacts.

_Seraph who is also a sadist_. 

Call.

His heartbeat sped up a tad as he looked over to see Shinya’s screen, knowing any second now his contact name would pop up as an incoming call, but… The drummer was too fast. His phone vibrated and within the small instant it took for his phone to display the incoming caller, he had turned it around and out of sight, hissing at Toshiya like an angry cat.

“You’re a stalker!”, he accused, looking at Toshiya with narrowed eyes but twitching lips, evidently amused by the attack and fighting not to show it.

“It’s my right to know”, Toshiya defended himself, waving his own phone. “I let you choose your own contact name, letting me at least _know_ mine is nothing but fair!”

“You _offered_ to let me change my name in your phone”, Shinya reminded him, “We never agreed it was a mutual arrangement.”

“It’s basic courtesy! I’m not saying I wanna change my contact name, I just wanna _know._”

“It’s basic courtesy not to save people as ‘drums’, which you did for what, 20 years?”

“I did save you as _Die’s crush_ in the first weeks.”

“Oh did you!”, Shinya exclaimed, looking exasperated. “And you think that makes it better?”

“I think it doesn’t matter. I think you owe me a name.”

“Your parents gave you a decent one, don’t get greedy.”

“You teased me with it like you want me to know”, Toshiya whined, knowing that he wouldn’t have pursued the topic this insistently, if he hadn’t been starting to feel the alcohol already.

“I didn’t tease like I want you to know, I tease like you’ll never ever know.”

Toshiya gave the moan of a tortured man and had half a mind to give up, but the beer was speaking to him, and Shinya’s phone sat invitingly loose in his hand. With a quick grasp, he tried to snatch it from him, but again, the drummer was too quick for him, turning in his seat to show him his cold shoulder and holding the phone out of reach.

“No!”, he said calmly, but decidedly, sounding much like he was trying to tell a dog to hop off the bed, but Toshiya was not that easily deterred.

“Show me. I’ll show you whatever you want to see, too!”

“I can just wait for the next tour and watch you in the shower”, the drummer shrugged.

“But – huh?”

“I’m not showing you my phone, Toshi.” The fleeting moment of confused surprise and the feeling of having misheard or misunderstood something dissipated into the general playfulness of the conversation, but the vague taste of confusion lingered underneath.

“You don’t have to, if you just tell me.”

“Hara Toshimasa.”

“I don’t believe you!”

“Why would I not save you under your own name?”

“Because you’re creative and brilliant and kind of a jerk – what’s my name?” He made another snatch at the phone, but once again, Shinya saved it and he grasped only thin air. Either Shinya was way nimbler than a man who allegedly never heard of biceps curls should be, or he, Toshiya, was more drunk than he liked to think. Either way, he was ready for desperate measures, turning and sneaking his arms around Shinya easily, his hand now coming from both sides to try and get a hold of the phone. The drummer was squirming and trying to keep the phone out of reach, but Toshiya took both his wrists and pulled them closer, having the blonde in a rather weird embrace now. Still, the blonde was squirming, fighting, pressing against his chest and trying to break his wrists free.

“I’m not showing you”, he repeated in a strained voice, but there was the hint of a chuckle in it, that told Toshiya he had not yet crossed a line. Years of harassment had prepared the blonde for being manhandled by his bassist, who now shamelessly used his physical advantage to bring the phone into view and reach, trying to pry it out of Shinyas fingers. The screen had gone dark and Toshiya realized that even if he got it from the younger’s claws he wouldn’t be able to unlock it.

“Alright, come on now…” He said, grinning at the maddened little hiss Shinya gave him, as he took his free hand and lead it to the tightly clasped phone, pressing a fingertip to the fingerprint sensor. He felt the blonde struggling against the movement, but he seemed to tire easily and finally gave up with a little laugh, when Toshiya repeatedly lead his fingertip to the sensor and nothing happened.

“That’s so not how it works”, he sneered, but Toshiya now had pretty much full control over his victim and just chose his thumb instead, pressing that onto the sensor, while holding Shinya’s hand, that clasped the phone to keep it steady. His hand fit easily around the cold, brittle-fingered one of the other and struggle though he might, after two misses, Toshiya finally unlocked the phone. Shinya let out a little groan of agony and sank defeated against him, head against his shoulder, body weakened against his chest.

“Let’s see then.”, Toshiya hummed, welcoming the feeling of victory, mixed with a nervous prickle of anticipation. Of course, it didn’t really matter what his name in anyone’s contact list was, but Shinya had teased him into wanting to know so badly, that he was almost scared to finally reveal the secret to himself. Because it was funnier, he lifted Shinya’s finger and used it to tap the screen to open the missed calls.

“Beesurashu..” He squinted at the screen, then it hit him. “Bassurashka? As in _Bass_ and _Cheburashka_?”

“Yeah”, Shinya said quietly and Toshiya would have liked to look at him, to confirm that this wasn’t a really weird joke, but with the drummer now rather comfortably nestling against his chest, while he held his hands and with that him in his arms, he couldn’t get a look at his face.

“Um…I feel honored, I guess. Unless it’s because you think I have giant ears, then I suppose I feel self-conscious about my ears from now on.” He let go of the hand he was holding and guiding, but when Shinya didn’t sit back upright immediately, Toshiya rested his palms on the other’s legs.

“Your ears are fine”, Shinya informed him and locked his phone again. Toshiya just stared stupidly at the dark screen, where a second ago, _Bassurashka_ had been written.

His instrument, his profession. And Shinya’s beloved _Chebu_.

And that was it.

And it was a bit special.


	9. Vestige of Scandal

It took a solid minute for Toshiya to recover and it wasn’t until he reached for his beer, mimicking the drummer who was still leaning against him and had picked up his drink again, that he noticed _the eyes_.

Hazelnut opals, framed by narrowed lids, part of an expression of one big _What the fucking hell_. Die’s lips were parted, the corners of his mouth slightly drawn downwards. It would have looked comical if not for the feeling of judgement that seeped from the guitarist like the smoke rising from the hookah behind which Kyo had disappeared. Toshiya took a sip of beer and waited. Waited for some sort of explosion that didn’t come, until he realized, he wasn’t the victim of the stare anymore. And if Die’s stare hat been foreboding, it was nothing against the icy aura Shinya was giving off, as he stare-battled the guitarist from out of Toshiya’s arms, who…. Fled.

Maybe it was childish, maybe it even was unfair, to leave Shinya alone in this, but the boy could handle himself against Die and probably the rest of the world, if necessary and if anything was a bad idea, it was getting stuck between two angered beauty queens.

“Toilet”, Toshiya muttered and wiggled himself free from Shinya, who didn’t flinch, busy not breaking eye contact with the ginger guitarist. The bassist chose a stall and sat on the closed toilet seat for a moment, rubbing his eyes. He was rather tired, exhausted and… overwhelmed? His drummer, whom he had scandalously kept as “drums” in his phone, had a pretty endearing nickname for him. For what now seemed like only a fleeting moment in history, he’d had said drummer kind of in his arms? He couldn’t blame Die for making a face like this. He felt like making the same kind of face right now. He felt like he was still missing a piece in the puzzle.

When he returned, Die had gone back to joining the conversation between Boo and Kaoru and was laughing, throwing his hair back and looking distracted. Toshiya sat down again with a sigh of relief. His eyes fell on Shinya, who had been brought a fresh glass of sparkling wine and sipped at it with dignity.

“So”, he said quietly, conversationally, “What was that about?” Shinya turned to him to speak, but someone else talked over him.

“How y’all feel about some company”, Die boasted, waving his phone. “The room could use some female charm, couldn’t it?” He looked around the table. Boo chuckled, Kaoru smiled rather uncomfortably and Toshiya… felt like adding hostesses to the table just… wasn’t right, at this point. Not that he was in general against it. Just… didn’t seem like the thing to do right now.

“Come on, how about it”, Die pressed on, his gaze fixed on Toshiya and Shinya who were sitting across the table.

“Go ahead”, Shinya said and the words drew Toshiya’s gaze like a moth to the light. Even Kyo perked up, looking curiously over his bubbling waterpipe. The black haired didn’t necessarily share in the curiosity. He felt rather… what was the word? Disappointed?

“I will”, Die said, sounding almost like they were playing a game of dare here.

“Sure. If you don’t feel like the company is up to your standards”, Shinya said, raised eyebrows. “I for my part think the company is rather excellent.” He shrugged, leaning back and shooting Toshiya the smallest of smiles, which made his chest swell like a balloon.

He was rather excellent company.

“Yep, I’m pretty good with the current company too”, Toshiya beamed and even the mildly sour look on Die’s face couldn’t compete with his bubbly mood.

“Jeez you guys are no fun”, Die muttered and turned to Kaoru, “How about it?”

“You go ahead. I’m fine. I’ll be too tired for conversation soon anyway.”

“I think it’s not _conversation_ Die was after”, Kyo cackled with a dirty, toothy grin and Die clasped his chest with a gasp.

“Sorry for having a sex life.” Kaoru chuckled but laid a hand on Die’s arm in a casual, gentle warning not to start an argument. Boo added to the calming effect by spinning a tale about a woman he met and they all leaned in closer to share in the secret.

It took a few more drinks until the party dissipated and when Toshiya checked the watch, he wasn’t sure how he’d even survived until this late with all the exhaustion of a zenkoku tour in his bones.   
_Fun_, he thought. He’d had fun to keep him awake. Not to mention rather excellent company. Smiling stupidly, he watched Shinya who was just trying to keep Kyo from exing his drink to retrieve a ring he’d somehow dumped into the glass. The drummer failed and fell back in exasperation, laughing at how the ring audibly dropped against the smallest one’s teeth as he downed the last drink. Shinya was covering his laughing lips with one hand, with the other he slapped Toshiya’s thigh, wheezing, when Kyo covered his mouth in turn, albeit from pain in his front tooth.

“Goddit”, he triumphed, and Toshiya laughed along at the toothy smile the vocalist gave the round, giving the ring a solid, slurping cleaning before putting it back on his finger.

“Ugh, that’s gross”, Shinya spat, then patted Toshiya’s knee, who feebly tried to bring his gaze to focus on the blonde enough not to see double. Not that double Shinya was a bad view.

“Help me get this drunk kid home”, the drummer inquired, and the black haired found himself getting to his feet without questioning.

How he got his belongings and who called the uber was a little beyond Toshiya, but he found himself seated comfortably in the backseat of a car, Shinya wedged in the middle seat and Kyo on the other side, his head lolling sideways and hitting the window with a little _clonk_, followed by a little _snrrrrp. _

Toshiya rubbed his face. “How did we end up drinking so much.”

“The Jägermeister”, Shinya said, sounding surprisingly awake and nimble-tounged.

“Who ordered those?”, Toshiya said weakly, chuckling as he remembered one round was on him. The rest – stupid question.

“Do you feel unwell? We can ask the driver to stop.”

“Nah’m alright.” He wiggled his nose that felt kind of tingly and turned his head to smile at the slim man next to him. “You okay, too?”

“I’m fine, thank you very much.” They looked at each other for a moment that was anywhere between the blink of an eye and a minute, as far as Toshiya could tell.

“Thanks for having such a nice name for me”, he said, trying not to drag his tongue too much, but he was tired and tipsy and probably sounded more drunk than he cared to admit.

“You’re quite welcome. You deserve it”, Shinya said earnestly. Before Toshiya could start wondering or asking how he’d earned that, the car stopped. “Ah, we’re here.”

“Which here is this?”, Toshiya asked, looking outside the window. He wasn’t sure he recognized the neighborhood, so he assumed he was either very drunk or someone near Kyo’s place. As if to confirm that, Shinya leaned over, grabbing the handle to open the door against which Kyo was leaning.

“You’re not gonna…”

“Watch me.”

And watch he did. The vocalist sagged sideways, as the door opened, but instead of hitting the ground headfirst he woke with a start, landing in a semi crouch and hissing at Shinya in what Toshiya could only presume was deepest dialect or some alien form of communication unbeknownst to mankind.

“Always lands on his feet”, Shinya said conversationally and waved at Kyo, who did the only mature thing to do after being thrown out of the uber: He stuck his tongue out and flipped Shinya off, who still waved serenely before he turned back to the driver, naming his own address next.

It wasn’t until they stopped in front on the building with the illegal balcony extension, that Toshiya noticed the blonde hadn’t scooted over to the free seat but stayed next to him in the middle. All he could think about that was: _It’ll be really cold once he gets up._

“I’m not gonna ask you to come up for a cup of coffee”, Shinya said, licking his lips before turning to face Toshiya. “But I did have a nice night.” Toshiya wasn’t sure where the connection between those two statements laid, but he just nodded. “Me too”, he agreed, because it was the only thing he could offer. Shinya took a deep breath, then sighed.

“Good night, Toshi”, he said, and the bassist nodded again, feeling like a stupid little wagging head dog and before he could think of anything more clever to say, Shinya had scooted out from the backseat and threw door shut. The bassist scooted over to the other side and watched him, until he was safely in the building. Then, he named his address and took out his phone.

>>Sweet Dreams, Angel

<<Seraph, who is also rather excellent company>> You, too.

And that was it. The tour, completed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ====
> 
> The tour has ended... How will Shinya make sure he can keep enjoying such excellent company after it? Or will it be Toshiya who pursues the continuance of this rather excellent company? 
> 
> We will find out. 
> 
> Sorry for taking so long. It's been a hot minute since I had time to type.


	10. The Tardiness of Toshiya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour is over, the post-final-party-hangover survived and everything is going back to normal for Toshiya. But is it though?  
***

The days passed and blazing sunshine turned into long stretches of rain as summer progressed. With the weather, Toshiya felt his mood changing as well. He hadn’t been prone to mood swings lately, not since he had pulled himself together and grown out of what he now acceptingly called his early emo midlife crisis. And yet, and yet…

Something seemed amiss, after the first few days of mostly sleeping, relaxing, catching up on some of favorite TV shows and generally unwinding from the tour.

After four days of shutting himself up for what should have been self-care and relaxation, Toshiya had to admit, that he was suffering from an acute case of the after-tour-blues and that he had not worn anything but sweatpants ever since he’d gotten up with a massive hangover the day after the final.

It was time to pull himself together and find a way to get productive again, maybe write some basslines, maybe think about some new designs for DIRT, maybe get out and meet some people.

Vaguely deciding on the latter, her picked up his phone one evening and opened Line. He had meant to text his assistant, maybe bouncing off some ideas for DIRT, when he noticed something that did two rather unwelcome things to him: His heart seemed to stumble as if it had hit a bump in the road and his brain felt like a hot wire had been inserted.

>>Giant headache, don’t feel like I deserve than one.

>>Hope you’re better?

>>Going to sleep it off now

<<Seraph, who is also rather excellent company>> I’m fine, don’t worry. Drink some tea and miso soup before you sleep. It’ll help. I hope you’re not regretting the night too much, despite your sorry state.

And horribly, shockingly, that was it.

He had opened the message but somehow never answered. He had left Shinya on _read_ for almost a full week. Guilt twisted his insides as he stared at the screen. It wasn’t like they usually had regular contact outside of touring and rehearsing, but somehow, Toshiya would have preferred for Shinya to be the one who cut the line, to mark the end of their… whatever you called it when you huddled together like penguins against the cold until it was time to move on.

It was perfectly normal to be close to someone for a while, especially if that while was a confined time frame like a tour, and then go back to whatever regular amount of contact you’d had before. Perfectly fine to not text daily after that circumstance that brought you closer had passed.

And yet Toshiya could kick himself for failing to text Shinya back. Because however normal and fine it was to float in and out of contact with people, he really, really was not feeling fine with this now. How could he have allowed a hangover to make him forget texting back Shinya? Shinya, who hated waiting. Shinya, who had him saved as Bassurashka in his phone.

He hadn’t thought about this all week, but now the endearing nickname came back to him and with it the hours spent fixing stage outfits out of tour merch, exchanging jokes and talking about this and that without any pressure or struggle to keep a conversation flowing.

Toshiya rested his forehead in his hand, staring at the floor.

There were some question marks regarding this new amity, but there was no questioning the one, big fact, that he had offended Shinya by leaving him on read. He knew, because if he knew one thing about the drummer by now, it was that he put a lot of emphasis on the small things in life and sometimes saw things from a different angle than others.

He’d have to apologize and soon.

It would have been easy to just drop him a message, telling him that he’d forgotten to text back and was awfully sorry, but somehow, Toshiya felt like this wouldn’t do. And even if it did, he didn’t quite want to do it that simply.

Part of his brain said: You’re making this more complicated because you haven’t had anything proper to do for days. Just text him sorry and get on with life.

And part of his brain said: Let’s make this EXTRA. I need this.

And wasn’t it a sign of respect to pay homage to a slightly _extra_ human being by making an excuse a little out of the ordinary?

Two hours later, Toshiya was showered, dressed and glowing with motivation, as the store assistant explained to him, what to look out for when bringing a new item into a pet household.

His first instinct had been to get a nice big bunch of flowers for Shinya. He’d already been at the flower shop, checking out a big white and pink bouquet, when it had occurred to him, that a bouquet of flowers might be a little…. Weird. Especially when the florist chatted him up, suggesting a bunch of fresh, beautiful roses, evidently assuming he was looking for something to give to his wife or girlfriend.

Lacking ideas, he’d entered a luxury pet store for inspiration and information about if and what things you shouldn’t give to someone who prized their pets above all else.

He left with a bag of overprized treats, just so he didn’t leave without buying anything, and a list of plants safe for cats and dogs. It took another two hours and three stores, but three hours later Toshiya was paying for a courier service to deliver his apology.

Feeling refreshed and more energized than he had felt since the tour final, he added a round of grocery shopping and was soon cooking up a stir fry, sipping a small can of beer and brainstorming ideas for some new seasonal items. The afternoon spent putting together an overly extravagant apology gift for Shinya had cleansed his mind and mood and the uncomfortable feeling of guilt had turned into giddy excitement. He couldn’t presume he’d be getting a positive response from Shinya, but somehow he knew, whatever the drummer would throw him would be _fun_.

Shinya sat crosslegged on his couch, naked knees peeking out from the silk bathrobe he was wearing. On the coffeetable in front of him stood a handsome kentia palm in a handmade white ceramic pot with specs of gold on the higher parts of the textured surface. Around the stems, a broad band was tied into a bow. The blonde contemplated the plant for a while, then turned his look back down to the card in his hand.

It read in golden handwriting:

_Dear Seraph, who hates waiting, _

_Please accept my heartfelt apology for failing to respond to your latest text in a timely fashion. _

_Should you find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise I will do better. _

_Yours, Bass who made a mistake. _

Smiling serenely, Shinya put the card back to lean against the pot and sank back into the couch.

This was not going to be it. Not in the slightest.


	11. Read...[em]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is entirely possible, that Toshiya has been casted as the mouse in the ever popular cat drama, directed by Shinya. It's safe to say he's not aware.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~  
Thank you for all the lovely comments it's so nice to see there's people who feel the character portrayal!   
And a special biiiig thanks to everyone who came back here after months of silence and welcomed the new chapter with open arms!!  
~

>>No pressure but I was wondering if my apology arrived?

_Read._

>>And if maybe you had time to ponder about forgiveness yet?

_Read. _

Toshiya knew he deserved to be left on read, dangling in the air by a thin thread of hope, that might snap any second, plunge him into the abyss or pull him up into the light… Sure, this was a little overly dramatic, but the circumstances lend themselves to drama. After all, he hadn’t hangover-forgotten any old pal who was used to days to weeks on end of no texting. He had unknowingly, but no less scandalously, forgotten to text Shinya, the one and only heavenly messenger of punctuality, rhythm, and snide remarks.

He had sworn himself not to push too much, to give the drummer time to think and…well maybe he’d also planned on not seeming _too desperate_ but the suspense of not knowing, not getting any reaction was getting to him after mere hours. He just wanted _something._

It was late, he had a productive evening to his name and a three glasses of wine to boot. Wine, because maybe if he drank something more sophisticated this would support Shinya’s forgiving energies …something like that anyway. 

The black haired had made it through the first two glasses alright, but during the third the urge to text Shinya had become too strong to resist. And now, seeing the drummer online and surely very much on purpose not responding was both annoying and infuriatingly _funny_. Because as resentful an unforgiving as Shinya could be, Toshiya was sure he’d never hold a serious grudge over a minor reason, which led him to enjoy the suspense more than it worried him. It also made him wanna talk to the elusive drummer even more.

>>I really don’t want to bother you but if you could maybe just tell me if you got my gift that would be neat.

_Read._

>>And then I’d give you time and space again no problem

_Read._

>>Maybe tiny problem.

_Read. _

_>>_You know, the patience thing.

_Read. _

>>I wonder if you’d pick up if I were to call you right now.

_Read. _

>>You could text me not to call you.

_Read. _

_>>Read this if you’d pick up. _

_Read. _

<<Seraph, who is also rather excellent company>> Touché.

A short burst of laughter bubbled out from Toshiya’s throat. So he had tricked the trickster. Still chuckling and grinning broadly he pressed the call button. The free-line signal barely came once, before the call was picked up.

“Gotcha”, Toshiya cheered triumphantly.

“You must be so proud of yourself”, came the sneering voice of the drummer and Toshiya almost had trouble speaking from grinning so much.

“Yep, and rightfully so.”

“That’s debatable.”

“I did get you to talk to me.”

“I can talk to you without forgiving you.”

“Ouch. So you don’t?”

There was a long moment of silence, then: “I’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself, how’s that?”

“I’m here for it! What do I have to do?”

“I’ll let you know.”

“When?”

“Toshiya?”

“Yeah?”

“You may well be the most impatient man I know.”

And that was it. For the call, anyway.

It wasn’t it in general.

Two weeks after Shinya had generously decided to give him a chance, Toshiya was proud to say he had not forgotten to reply to the drummer once. Shinya still made sure to remind him of his mistake almost daily and the bassist wasn’t quite sure if Shinya was doing a bit or if he actually minded that much, but either way, between respecting his critical view on lateness and making fun of it, teasing him about making such a scene and begging forgiveness, he had developed the habit of warning Shinya, when he put his phone away for more than a few hours. Namely, when he went to bed.

He had developed a habit of sending good night texts to Shinya.

It was more than probable that he wouldn’t have noticed this, if it hadn’t been for the Skype meeting. Kaoru had called one for some scheduling - making the main use of skype, seeing and talking to one another, completely obsolete by typing out all his suggestions and never looking up -and the band and staff had followed. Upon hanging up, Kaoru mentioned he was going to call it a day and head to bed. Die waved at the camera despite the leader not looking and said a “Good night, old man” to Kaoru and a “Bye guys” to everyone else. And that was when Shinya typed:

“Don’t forget my good night text @T”

Toshiya gawked at the screen. It was hard to tell whose window showed a more confused expression; his or Die’s.

“Unless you’re going right now as well, then it’s fine I guess”, Shinya added swiftly and almost the same moment Die shot a simple “WTF” into the chat. Toshiya decided to ignore it and replied instead, speaking rather than typing: “I’m about to head to the tub, so I’ll text you when I’m done there.”

“WTF”

Shinya signed off without warning and, seeing the affronted expression on Die’s face and his frantic grasping for the mouse to unmute his mic and send in an audible “What the fuck?”, Toshiya decided, that the best, a.k.a. most hilarious thing to do was to sign off as well. Grinning broadly he waved at the camera and signed off.

What a productive call. Not only had they discussed the writing of a new song and scheduled a meeting. They had also established the lore, that he, Toshiya, was sending goodnight texts to Shinya. On a daily basis. If not to say bassis.

Snickering to himself, Toshiya got up and stretched. Time to bathe physically in water and mentally in the news that he was doing good night texts. Good night texts that Shinya reminded him not to forget, which meant they had value, right? And didn’t that mean, they were friends?

Loosely, respectfully, optimistically, he would call each and every one of his coworkers – staff included – _friends. _But how long has it been since he had felt like this was more than a courtesy term for people with whom you shared half your life.

He stretched out in the hot water and smiled to himself like a comfortable dog in their owners lap. Shinya, a friend.

Naturally, he was the only one who felt like “a friend” was the terminology to be used on whatever was or wasn’t afoot.

It wasn’t “What the _friend_ is going on between those two?” that Die texted Kaoru after the skype call. And it certainly wasn’t a _friendly_ thought, that took Shinya to the fuse box at 1 am, DIY survival kit in hand, gloves worn neatly on his slender hands.


	12. Interlude: [Spooked] to the core

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this halloween extra, someone is having a really haunted day....
> 
> Have a happy belated halloween and stay save.
> 
> ***

There had been some issues with the guitar setup and Die had gotten increasingly agitated by the fact that, whenever Kaoru, Kuro, Kenji or anyone for that matter touched his strings, the sound seemed to be fine, but when he played his test riffs, the hit whole setup seemed to shut down completely.

“You’re haunted, most likely”, decided Kyo, leaning on the first row wave breaker, sucking a pumpkin lollipop that Nora had brought along. Die threw him a dirty look. It was high time he got into mask, his hair was a right mess and his equipment was behaving, dared he say it…ominously?

“It’s your fault for mentioning spirits and Halloween and shit”, he hissed at the short figure, clearly enjoying the trouble more than he usually did, when technical issues arose. After all, Kyo’s equipment was working just fine. So were bass, drums and Kaorus side of the stage. Maybe it was a sign, that something bad was going to happen to him today? If it could, in fact, get any worse than having to rush through hair styling and most likely having shit sound during the concert.

He tried once more, quickly going through some riffs and – _snap_.

“FUCK!” infuriated, heart racing with shaken surprise, Die grabbed the strap of his guitar and pulled it off over his head.

“You alright?”, he heard Kuro’s voice, but it was Kaoru who had done a super-granny-fast-shuffle across the stage and took his guitar from him, stretching out his other hand to inspect Die’s fingers. The broken string seemed to have left no damage and Kaoru sighed, visibly relieved.

“Look, you go ahead backstage, I’ll fix this”, the leader said, shouldering the guitar strap that was way too long for him and starting to peel off the ripped string. Die wanted to argue back and snap at Kaoru, that with his slow playing, the equipment probably worked fine anyway and that there wasn’t anything to fix and that this was just a shitty day overall and that he needed a beer, but before he could explode, Kaoru gave him a long, weary look, as if he was waiting to take just said explosion and Die felt the slightest bit of guilt for being so short tempered and for having been so so many times, that Kaoru had started to expect it, embrace it. He gave a harsh, annoyed sigh and ran his fingers through his long mane.

“Fine”, he muttered, and then added, rolling his eyes: “Thanks.”

Kaoru just smiled at him with his sleepy, content trademark expression and gave him a little pat on the shoulder, as he turned to leave.

He flicked on a cigarette and, strutting down the hallway, saw that the door to the dressing room was shut. Realizing faintly, that this was unusual, he reached out his hand and – _froze. _

Had there been… could this have been? The faintest trace of a moan?

His eyes widening, he leaned closer to the door, listening with all his might.

“_Deeper”_ a voice from the other side of the door came, softly but insistently. He wasn’t sure at first, who had spoken. The voice was familiar, yet… different.

“Are you sure?” This was clearly Toshiya, sounding almost worried. So this meant… Die clutched the doorframe for support, as his brain did the math.

“Yes.. _please!_”, Shinya’s voice begged, and there was some rustling.

This sounded like…

“You’ll tell me if it’s too much?”, Toshiya’s voice came again, seeking reassurance. “I don’t wanna go too far…”

This could only mean…

“It’s fine... I promise.”

“Like this?”

They were…

“_Oh god, _yes!”

Die burst into the room, cheeks burning, eyes popping, veins throbbing.

It took his brain several seconds to catch up with what his eyes were seeing and he may or may not have shouted a “What the hell you guys think you’re doing??” in the meantime.

Not two but three pairs of eyeballs were fixed on him.

Shinya was in a chair, getting his hair done. Toshiya, looking deeply puzzled at Die’s bursting into the room like this, was standing with his hands still on the button of his black shirt he had just opened to reveal a little more chest.

“Seen a ghost?”, Shinya asked, his lips twitching as though he was trying very hard to hold back a grin.


	13. Drumsel in Distress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinya finds himself in quite the predicament and Toshiya has the skill and the will to be helpful.  
***

<<Seraph, who’s getting gn8 texts>> Your chance has arrived.

>>Chance?

<<Seraph, who’s getting gn8 texts>> Alas, you have forgotten… what was I thinking…

>>TO REDEEM MYSELF?

>>Didn’t forget! Where’s my chance? 💪 💪

<<Seraph, who’s getting gn8 texts>> It’s certainly not what I would have gone for, but I encountered a bit of a problem, leaving me no choice but to ask you to lend me your physical prowess.

Toshiya grinned fondly at this. Why in god’s name Shinya had to phrase things so much more complicated than necessary sometimes, when he was usually such an upfront person, was beyond him, but it was rather entertaining and maybe it made it easier for the DIY Queen to ask for help.

>>My muscles are yours to command. What happened?

<<Seraph, who’s getting gn8 texts>> Tragedy struck in the form of an unhelpful delivery personnel who refused to deliver properly, once he saw the elevator was stuck…

>>So you need someone to carry some stuff upstairs?

<<Seraph, who’s getting gn8 texts>> I hate to put it that simply, but yes. It’s a handmade natural cat tree that I can’t possibly leave standing around and even though it is in pieces I find myself unable to carry most of the parts, especially with my shoulder still hurting from the tour. I tried, but…

>>Say no more, I’ll get dressed and I’ll be there in an hour. 💪 

<<Drumsel in distress>> My savior

Toshiya beamed at this and puffed out his chest proudly, as he got up from his couch. He was a savior now. And he was possibly the first person Shinya had called for aid. Maybe the second or third, it was, after all, possible he’d tried someone else before, who hadn’t had the time, but either way, the ice princess was in a predicament and he, Toshiya, had the honor and skill to help.

A heroic theme played in the bassist’s head as he got dressed and he hummed along to it enthusiastically. He put on a simple, relaxed fit Tshirt and stonewashed jeans and gave his hair a quick brushing before brushing his teeth. With the wirring electric toothbrush in his mouth, he lifted his free hand and flexed at the mirror for a moment, before drooling Toothpaste all over his shirt with a chuckle. What on earth was he doing flexing at the mirror before he left the house? Shaking his head at his own childish behaviour, he slipped out of the shirt again and into a new one, not wanting to arrive at Shinya’s place with toothpaste stains on his clothes. Surely the drummer wouldn’t have anything nice to say about something like that.

Precisely one hour later he arrived at Shinya’s door and looked for the right doorbell to ring. He couldn’t find the name he was looking for, but after a moment, a sign with miniscule kanji reading “Do not ring! Disturbs vicious pets!” caught his eye. Toshiya gave a deep, hearty laugh and pulled his phone from his pocket, calling the drummer instead.

“I’m in front o’ your door, care to open?”

“Wait downstairs. I’m coming down”, came the monotone voice back and Toshiya smiled, studying the sign next the doorbell once more while bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet. He was quite pleased with the day already.

About two minutes later, the door opened and a blonde head peeked out cautiously, before opening the door more widely to let Toshiya step inside.

“Thank you for coming”, the drummer said with a little bow of his head. Toshiya grinned at the stiffness. “No problem”, he beamed, “And in case you didn’t notice, I’m perfectly on time. Might have ignored a red light or two to manage, but here I am.”

“Now that’s stupid”, Shinya said matter of factly and much less pleased or impressed than Toshiya now realized he had imagined him to be.

“Wha-? But you said… you hate waiting and all…” He felt a distinct drooping sensation in his chest at the lack of enthusiasm, praise and general positive vibes from the younger. Was he possibly still in such bad favours because he had forgotten to text back once?

“I do value punctuality”, agreed Shinya while leading the way down the hallway. “However, buying it at the expense of your safety is neither in your nor in my favour.”

“So…” Toshiya did the math in his head for a second, “What you’re saying is… you care for my safety more than for my punctuality?”

“What I’m saying is drive responsibly.” There was just a breath of silence, then: “But, yes.”

Toshiya beamed once more, his chest thrown out in pride, as the small, one could say natural, fact that his safety mattered more to the blonde than being on time, washed through him like a sweet wine on a summer’s evening.

He clapped his hands together.

“So, where’s your stuff?”, he asked enthusiastically, Shinya watching him with a raised brow for a moment, before nodding with a trace of a smile.

“Over here.” He patted a few boxes, some smaller, some quite large and heavy looking.

“Oh dear”, the bassist mumbled. “No wonder the postal service gave up.”

“I put in a customer complaint already”, Shinya said solemnly, “They shall regret this.”

Toshiya shook his head, chuckling. “Ain’t nothing like a Shinya’s wrath”, he joked and elicited a smile, this time more prominent, from the drummer. Elated, the black haired strode toward the packages, stacking two smaller ones on top of each other and lifting them up. “Up we go!”

And so they did. Toshiya went in front, Shinya behind him.

The first two packages were easy. On route with the third an forth, again stacked, the first few flights of stairs were easy as well, but Toshiya could feel sweat building up between his shoulder blades and his heart was pumping faster. Yet he climbed on.

Just a few steps away from the landing that led to Shinya’s door, he suddenly felt a hand on his back and stopped, turning his head in surprise.

“What is it?”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you were going to trip and loose balance…”

“And you were trying to catch me?”, Toshiya asked amused, nodding at the slender hand still propped against his back.

“I thought I might stabilize you”, Shinya argued, then slowly removed his hand and shrugged.

Grinning, Toshiya continued up the stair, piling the packages in front of the door, that was adorned with a small sign saying _Danger! Dog inside. But it’s the cat you should worry about._

And back down they went, picking up the pre-to-last package. The third climb upstairs was much slower and out of the three or four times he felt Shinya’s hands on his back, Toshiya was actually glad they’d pushed him back to find his center once or twice.

“Would you like a drink first?” Shinya asked, looking almost worried and maybe even a little sorry, as Toshiya panted exhaustedly, hoisting the box next to the door.

“Thanks. But let’s get this done with first”, he said wiping his forehead. The drummer nodded, without meeting Toshiya’s gaze.

“Don’t worry about it, you know I like a good workout”, Toshiya said bracingly and the younger looked up at him.

“Oh? Oh no, I wasn’t worrying. I was just looking at how your shirt is clinging to your chest.”

The black haired blinked once, and he blinked twice, but Shinya was still looking him dead in the eye and Toshiya knew no better answer than: “Okay then”, before slowly turning toward the stairs again to head back down. As he turned, he could have sworn he saw Shinya grinning, but on second thought, it could just as well have been a trick of the light.

As they reached the last package waiting to be carried up, the biggest one yet, Toshiya threw a longing glance at the elevator. “And we’re sure it’s stuck?”

“Of course _we_ are sure”, Shinya sneered.

With a faint air of hope, Toshiya stepped forward and reached for the handle of the fuse box door. “Maybe we can fix it?” But before he had even touched the handle, Shinya’s arm had shot out between him and the fuse box, followed by the thin body of the blonde sliding in after it.

“It’s absolutely forbidden to touch the electrics in this house outside of your own apartment, so… we can’t.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. You’ll have no other choice but to carry it.”

Toshiya sighed and nodded, then drew himself up again, summoning his energy once more. “Well, can’t be helped then. I just hope they don’t find out it was just a flipped safety fuse in the end.”

The drummer gave a short laugh, looking mildly uncomfortable. “Yeah, I hope so too…”

Huffing and puffing, Toshiya carried the last parcel up, up and up the stairs, thighs burning, and just when he was about to ask, what could possibly make a cat tree this heavy, a flashlight cut through his vision.

“Whoops”, echoed Shinya’s voice behind him.

“What was that?”

“My bad, I forgot to turn off the flash, it seems.”

“Did you take a picture of my ass?”, Toshiya laughed through his panting.

“That too is in the picture, yes.”

“What?”

“It’s for the insurance. In case you fall.”

“Oh. Makes sense, I guess.”

As they reached the landing for the fourth time, Shinya looked quite pleased and smiled brightly at Toshiya, which he found to be adequate pay for the hard work.

“I’ll usher the pets away from the door. If you could just push the parcels inside then?”

“Sure.” Shinya unlocked the door and stepped inside. After a moment, he opened the door wide and beckoned for the black-haired to follow him. Toshiya picked up the largest parcel again, and a surge of giddy excitement suddenly caught him. He hadn’t been in Shinya’s apartment for ages. Unlike most of them, he hadn’t moved around much in the past 20 years, so Toshiya was pretty sure he’d once been here, but it felt like in a different lifetime. Energised by the curiosity to see the other’s home, he quickly transferred all the parcels inside and looked at Shinya expectantly, who had closed the door behind him.

The drummer slipped out of his shoes and into a pair of fuzzy white slippers, then he crouched down and pushed another pair of slippers, grey and much less fuzzy, toward Toshiya.

“They are unused, so feel free.”

The bassist felt like he was about to burst out if his own skin from how pleased and excited he felt. Not only was he about to dip a toe into the deep, still water that was Shinya’s private life, he felt… surprisingly welcome to do it. He even got his own slippers, that said _please stay a while_, rather than _thanks for carrying my stuff now leave. _

This was so not it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***  
Has this been a clever ruse to get Toshiya sweaty and into his apartment?   
And will he delete the picture of Toshiya's backside, now that it won't be needed for insurance purposes?   
We will never know. Never....
> 
> In the next chapter, our unillumined bassist is going to dive into the privacy of the reclusive DIY queen.


	14. HUGeshisa to kono mune no naka de...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toshiya ventures forth into the depths of Shinyas apartment and finds that he needs... a girlfriend? Surely this can't be right?!
> 
> ****

From the _genkan_ a short, narrow hallway led to the rest of the apartment, opening up into a large, dimly lit living room, dominated by a big, crème white leather couch adorned with a few deliberately placed cushions, sheep furs – whether fake or not was hard to tell – and a folded, cozy looking blanket over one of the arm rests. Toshiya tried not to let is curious interest show too much, but his eyes wandered over the place hungrily, soaking in every detail and trying to make sense of them in the process, like wondering, if Shinya sat cuddled up in that blanket sometimes or if it was just décor.

There was a large, backlit TV mounted on the wall, the lights behind it emitting a warm, pinkish glow. The drummer had probably installed it on the wall himself, Toshiya thought with growing respect and stepped closer, examining the contents of a glass front cabinet that was part of the TV wall, expecting to find movies or games treasured by the occupant of the apartment, but instead, he was greeted by photographs. One per shelf, they stood in intricate frames, illuminated by soft LED lights that were set into the shelves. There was a signed picture of Yoshiki in a golden frame and laid out in an X shape, a pair of used drumsticks. Chuckling, Toshiya turned to razz the drummer a little about this display of love for his idol, only to find Shinya leaning against a wall, arms crossed and smiling slightly, as he watched him.

Feeling a little caught in the act of giddily spying on the drummer’s private life, Toshiya grinned sheepishly and cleared his throat. Shinya’s smile grew more evident now and he inclined his head, stifling what could only be a fond laugh. For a moment, Toshiya felt a confusion, that he had felt before, recently, that was hard to place, alien to the situation, but then something caught his eye and tore his attention away.

“Oh!”, he exclaimed, pointing at Shinya, who looked up with raised brows, “I know this wall!” It was impossible to keep the excitement out of his voice. “That’s the wall from the Skype calls! I’ve seen the lamps!”, he gestured up at the wall lights. “So that means”, he swiveled around, looking for clues, “Wait…” He walked briskly toward the couch and took a stance, forming a rectangle with his two thumbs and fingers to imitate the shape of a screen. “How does this work? If you were skyping on the couch, we’d see more of your place…”

This time, Shinya did not hold back his chuckle, but stopped quickly, when Toshiya turned to look at him again. “I have the same wall lights in the office.”, he explained. The bassist waited for a moment for something more to come, some gesture of _please sit down_ maybe, but getting nothing of the sort, he felt rather invited to keep looking around.

“Are those real fish?”, he asked, striding over to a fish tank, that added to the dim but cozy glow in the room.

“Yes, they are”, Shinya replied patiently, not moving from his spot, just turning slightly to keep watching Toshiya as he explored.

“What is that? Did you make that?” he patted what looked like maybe a flower stand, round platforms spiraling upward and ending in a wider shelf next to the tank.

“Yes. I needed an aesthetic way to grant access to the fish cinema.”

“Wow”, the black haired gaped in awe for a moment, then moved on. There was a big, cozy pet bed on the floor, a basket filled with toys, small, empty shelves undoubtedly there to provide a way up to the catwalk that ran over the wall lights along the length of the room. Toshiya followed the construct to one of two fancy looking cat trees and prodded it with a finger.

“Is that self made as well?”

“That”, Shinya said, sounding severe now, “Is actually a Giger replica made from solid gold, please don’t leave fingerprints.”

Toshiya all but leaped backwards, hands withdrawn and scanning the figurine for fingerprints in a small fit of panic, until a quiet snicker brought him to his senses, turning to face Shinya again who was positively giggling into his hand.

“I’m kidding”, he gasped, waving his hand, still chuckling. “It’s driftwood that I spraypainted golden.”

Toshiya looked back and forth between the drummer and what he had thought to be a fancy scratch post, mouth hanging open slightly.

“Man, my poor heart!”, he complained, but couldn’t help but smile at how pleased Shinya seemed with his successful joke.

“Forgive me”, the blonde wheezed and then cleared his throat. “What can I get you to drink to calm your nerves?”

“Anything cold is fine.” To that, Shinya nodded and made his way to the kitchen, that was half open to the living room. There too clear lines and light tones dominated the aesthetic of the room. On first glance, Toshiya thought, everything seemed a little too fancy and clean, impersonal even, almost like a showroom for an expensive interior design catalogue, but when you looked closer, there were unmistakable signs of the drummer living here. Half hidden, but almost more endearing for it. He could make out a cup with dogs on it next to a coffee machine, a hand lotion next to the sink. He found a shelf displaying vinyl records of X and other older bands, but also their own vinyl prints.

Toshiya felt a sense of pride at the sight of them. Childish, perhaps, to feel his own ego stroked, his work appreciated, by the display of their band’s work, but he couldn’t help it.

“It seems the only cold drink I got in the fridge is champagne. I hope that’s fine”, Shinya’s voice sounded from the kitchen.

“Oh? Wait, you don’t have to –“ _Plop! _ The unmistakable sound of a cork being pulled from a bottle sounded and Toshiya smiled weakly, following to the kitchen area and leaning against the high countertop. “You didn’t have to sacrifice _champagne_ for me”, he said weakly, watching as Shinya pulled two glasses, making three turns to make sure they were measured out equally.

“You’re worth a good drink, are you not?” Shinya said, casting a surprisingly steely eyed glance over his shoulder, as if he was daring Toshiya not to disagree.

“Aehm”, lost for anything to reply to this, Toshiya scratched his head and cleared his throat. “Thank you”, he muttered, as Shinya placed the glass in front of him.

“For the drink, or for the compliment?”

“Both”, Toshiya grinned, reaching for the glass but stopping when Shinya set down his own again.

“Actually”, the drummer said, coming around the counter isle that divided kitchen from living room, “Let me thank you first.” And before Toshiya could say anything, proclaim that there was no need to thank, that he was perfectly content with having made up for leaving Shinya on _read_ and that even without this debt owed, he would have been happy to help…before he could say any of that, Shinya had wrapped his arms around him in a rather tight embrace.

Toshiya blinked stupidly, trying to find focus, although on what he could not say. Maybe on invisible instructions on how to react to a sudden hug. His first reflex was to pat the drummers shoulder, but just as he had raised his hand to do so, he found it felt mysteriously awkward and inappropriate. His hand hovered for a moment in midair and he looked at it, brain and hand in silent communicating, both telling each other _you do something – no you do something_.

Huh. Wasn’t it weird, that he had time to even consider awkwardness and talk to his hand? It wasn’t like this all happened in a flash either, was it? Time wasn’t magically frozen, right? Intrigued, Toshiya rested his hand on Shinyas back and started counting in his head.

_Twenty_.

The drummer was surprisingly flush against him. He could feel the outline of his thin frame clearly against his chest and stomach.

_Twenty-one. _

Shinya never seemed particularly short, partly due to his habit of keeping a flawless posture, partly because they had a vocal the size of a shrimp around, but there was a clear height-difference between them.

_Twenty-two. _

He could even half rest his chin on the top of Shinyas head.

_Twenty-three. _

How nice his hair smelled. Not overly perfumed like Die’s but pleasantly flowery.

_Twenty-four. _

As frail as he seemed, Shinya’s grip around him was fairly strong, intent.

_Twenty-five._

This was a rather long hug, wasn’t it? Toshiya wasn’t an expert on the appropriate duration of a thank-you-for-carrying-my-stuff-hug, but… Well, to be fair, he wasn’t quite up to date with any hug durations.

_Twenty-six._

In fact, it had been a while, since had last held someone.

_Twenty - Oh. _

Shinya pulled back. Toshiya stood there, with his arms still raised, looking dumbstruck once again. The instant he had decided to enjoy the surprising opportunity of physical contact, it had ended. Disappointment crept through his stomach, uninvited and unwelcome.

Shinya was smiling contently, as he picked up his glass and raised it.  
“Thank you for your help”, he said quietly and Toshiya mechanically raised his own glass.

“You’re welcome.” Their glasses touched with a soft _klink _and they drank.

Die was probably right, Toshiya thought, it was weirdly unsettling to admit, but he probably needed to ‘get back in the game’, find a girlfriend. Or a dog. Maybe a dog was an option. Shinya seemed happy as a long-term single. Maybe cuddling pets was a sustainable alternative.

Slender fingers clicked in front of his eyes.

“Hey”, Shinya said, smirking rather pleasantly, “Can I have your attention back? Cause I feel like I should.”

Toshiya couldn’t help but grin at the confidence and pushed his uninvited thoughts aside.

“Y’never lost it”, he reassured the blonde who’s eyes beamed for a second.

“Good. Then take off your shirt.”

Toshiya almost choked on his champagne. “Come again?”

“Take off your shirt”, Shinya repeated matter-of-factly. “You’re sweaty and I don’t want you on my couch like that.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll give you a fresh one”, Shinya said, after a small breath of silence. Toshiya nodded slowly. The soft rise of confusion was almost too familiar to notice this time. _What did he miss…_? "If I have to...", Shinya added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****
> 
> Will Toshiya catch up on what's going on?  
Will Shinya give him a fresh shirt or not?  
Where are Shinya's pets?  
And when will the minor characters aka shrimp vocal, granny and L'oreal testimonial make a reappearance? 
> 
> The last part, dear reader, may depend on your liking. Let me know if you want a sooner glimpse into the minor characters' parts in this or prefer to stay rooted to the Drumsel and his excellent company for now. 
> 
> And thank you for reading <3


	15. Hugeshisa -Shinya Remix-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a glimpse into the intricate plotting mind that is Shinya icy McIce Queen Terachi. 
> 
> This is just kind of a "Chapter 14.5" situation, but I hope you don't mind.
> 
> ***

Sabotaging the lift had been an excellent idea. Naturally, coming from himself it had been bound to be, but not for the first time it appeared to turn out even better than imagined, thanks to this wonderful, clueless subject of his revenge and interest. Not only had Toshiya been keen to help; he flourished in the role of the knight rushing to aid and his energy was as infectious as his smiles.

Shinya could feel the tug of the metaphorical mud of the swamp called interest he’d set foot in during the tour and he didn’t mind so very much. The more he played the strings of change, making their relationship dance, the more accepting he became of the loss of control over his well-maintained garden of emotions. And Toshiya, beautifully unaware, was watering the little crush that had taken seed, nurturing it into a steady fondness for the black-haired.

How he glowed with excitement when he entered... Shinya would not have allowed just anyone into his home, much less let them explore it unguided and freely, but it was too tempting to watch his taller colleague as he looked around, too curious to notice that Shinya aimed his phone at him once again, taking another picture of the bassist, that no insurance company would ever see or be interested in.

A little joke about a solid gold statue was unavoidable, the situation lending itself to it too conveniently and Toshiya’s reaction was priceless enough. He had always been pleasant to work with, Shinya thought, but he had long failed to see how enjoyable it was to spend time with him in general.

He offered a drink, asking about a preference when he’d long decided to serve a good drop of sparkly champagne for the occasion and the black haired’s reply was vague enough to allow him to smoothly reveal champagne as the only option. Maybe it was a low move to speculate on getting the bassist tipsy, but getting drunk had worked out fine last time and as far as Shinya was concerned, he could hardly wait for another turn at playful physical contact.

As a matter of fact – and he put his glass back down as he came to this conclusion – why wait for the alcohol to loosen Toshiya up? In fact, it was probably a much needed experiment to see how the bassist reacted to a little nudge in the right direction without the sweet effects of booze. It was also a much needed experiment to see and feel for himself, how this picturesque body felt to the sober touch.

And thus, for science and for the advance of mankind in general, Shinya stepped closer, snuck his arms around the bassist and hugged him. Tightly.   
Toshiya was rather stiff, probably taken aback, but Shinya wasn’t about to let that deter him. Not when he could feel the rise and fall of that magnificent chest, hear the heartbeat, when he nuzzled his cheek against a well-trained peck. Toshiya was warm, almost still hot from the repeated climbing of stairs. His fresh sweat didn’t spoil the moment either.   
The only thing that could have ruined the experience would have been an awkward pat on the back, but Toshiya – bless his heart and wide shoulders – didn’t do that. He didn’t try to bro-hug his way out of the embrace and that, the drummer decided, was a very good sign. Contently, he leaned against the other, feeling him slowly relax into the hug.

For a second or two, mischief and the desire to stay like this forever fought over dominance of his brain, but unsurprisingly, mischief won and no sooner could he tell, that Toshiya was _into_ this hug thing, he pulled away from him.

_You want it, you gotta get it, bass boy._

The idea of Toshiya making a move, being the one to pull him close and wrap him in those strong arms was almost to good to bear, but… good things come to those who can wait.

And to sweeten the wait, why not try and get Toshiya to show more skin? Really, it was almost too easy to manipulate the man. Not too easy to be uninteresting, though; just the right level, really.

And what a treat it was to see plain confusion on the other’s face again. Toshiya was too pure for his own good. Clearly, he needed someone to safely corrupt him.

Smiling to himself, Shinya enjoyed the sight a little longer, then he turned to find some piece of clothing that would make Toshiya feel less naked while exposing a pleasing amount of skin.

“It’s the only thing your shoulders won’t burst out of”, he said apologetically half a minute later, handing Toshiya a black muscle shirt.

“My shoulders aren’t _that_ wide”, the black haired argued, but he looked rather pleased with himself and, too enchanted by his growing confidence and his smile, Shinya couldn’t help but keep stroking his ego just a little more.

“They are”, he said, spicing his voice up with a touch of awe, “You look like the perfect tank for dungeoneering!”

Toshiya laughed; his eyes narrowed with the width of his smile. “I’m not sure what that means but I’ll take it.”

“It means you…“, Shinya’s Voice faltered and this time it wasn’t a planned embellishment, but the shockingly genuine result of his guest taking off his shirt. It happened way too fast, off and on with the fresh piece of clothing, but it was enough to rattle the drummer momentarily. He drew a steadying breath and shot a quick prayer against reddening cheeks into the ether.   
“See?” He flattened the fabric around Toshiya’s waist and to his shame, his hands trembled slightly. It was all fun and games, trying to enjoy the sight of someone; all fun and games, until you started to really _want…._

“Perfect V-Shape”, he continued, his hands still gingerly on Toshiya’s waist. “Narrow here, buff up there.” He patted Toshiya’s shoulders, then turned, clapping his hands and picking up his glass for a rather generous sip.

Unbelievable. He hadn’t even taken the chance to touch the bassist’s chest! Preposterous. How on earth did the man unhinge him like that?

He flopped down on the couch, eyeing Toshiya with a calculating glare. It wasn’t like he was the single most attractive person alive, no need to get nervous. Sure, he was the only truly attractive human being Shinya could think of _right now_, but you couldn’t expect to pull a long list of aesthetically pleasing people out of nowhere, when you were facing…_this._


	16. Inconvenient Interference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a good start into this week we ruin Shinya's plans... you're welcome.
> 
> ***

“So”, Unaware of any internal struggle with acute attraction the drummer was suffering, Toshiya followed him to the couch and sat down next to him, turned sideways to face the blonde properly. “When am I gonna meet those most important pet-people in your life?”

“Why? Eager to join the list?” Toshiya frowned thoughtfully at this unexpected question.

“I don’t think I’d make a good pet”, he said earnestly. “I don’t even know what makes a good pet…”

Shinya broke into a suppressed fit of giggles, waving his hand in defense.

“I didn’t mean… I wasn’t planning on… putting a leash on you or anything.”

“Oh good. You don’t have to.”

The banter could have, should have continued, but alas, quite by chance and the will of a guitarist, it did not.

Toshiya’s ringtone, mixed with the gentle vibration of Shinya’s phone cut them off and they stared at each other for a moment in silence.

Toshiya was the first to reach for his back pocket.

“It’s Kaoru”, he informed the drummer, who snatched up his own phone and picked up with annoyance clear on his usually smooth face. Toshiya too picked up, more out of habit than anything else. To his surprise it wasn’t Kaoru’s voice that greeted him.

“Guys, we need an emergency pitch meeting in the studio. Now.”

“Why, what happened?”, asked Toshiya.

“I’m kind of in the middle of something, pitch yourself”, said Shinya.

“I caaaan’t”, groaned Kyo. “I’m one with the floor. It’s so cozy. Hard and cold like some people’s hearts and still so inviting…”

“Yeah, we don’t have time for this!” You didn’t have to see Die to know he was gesturing dramatically. “Just gear up and get your asses here asap!”

“Is Kaoru alright?”, Toshiya wondered out loud, his gaze still on Shinya, who nodded and rolled his eyes as if to say _Of course he is, Die is just being dramatic_.

“No offense but if he’s dying, I’m not sure that’s worth getting up for right now”, Kyo informed the assembled band and they heard a short bark of laughter from the background, indicating that Kaoru was both alive and listening.

“Guys”, the oldest of them called and judging from the sounds, Die brought the phone closer to him. “Do me a fav and come over for just an hour or so. It would really help someone’s nerves and might save my soccer evening.”

Kyo howled pitifully, Shinya’s usually plush lips were pressed to a tight line, but Toshiya chuckled. “Fine, fine. See you in half an hour.” He hung up and watched as Shinya did so too, dropping his phone into his lap and looking…rather unhappy. Toshiya reached out his hand and rested it carefully on the blonde’s head. “You alright?”

“No”, Shinya said very resolutely, “They’re ruining a very nice day.”

“They must have some pretty good riffs up their sleeves if they call us in like this”, Toshiya said reasonably.

“I’m not so sure about that…”

“How about this: We go see what this is about and then we go straight back here, set up your new cat tree together and get drunk or whatever.” At this, Shinya looked up from under Toshiya’s hand and there was a warm, hopeful glow in his eyes.

“Sounds like a good plan. I’ll take it.”

_Meanwhile in the studio. _

“Soccer. Is that all you can think about?”

“It’s the UEFA Champions League”, Kaoru whimpered, as Die was bearing down on him like a wrathful (Victoria’s Secret) angel. “If you’d keep your head in your own country for a day, you’d notice we have bigger problems than the UEFA Champions League!” Renegade strands of ginger hair that had escaped the loose bun keeping the mane in check were flying into Kaorus face and he brushed them away haphazardly.

“I just don’t think there’s anything to worry about. It doesn’t seem like they’ve been having a fight…”

“A FIGHT!”, Die exclaimed, straightening back up and throwing his hands in the air as if begging god to rain down some sense that the leader clearly lacked just now. “My point is that the _opposite of a fight_ might be at work!”, he threw himself in the chair next to Kaoru, who relaxed a little, but looked rather confused.

“What’s the opposite of a fight?”, he asked after a few seconds of silence. Die’s head fell back onto the headrest and his lips formed a quiet prayer for patience, then he looked up again.

“Has your erectile dysfunction gone to your brain, old man?”

“Hey! Keep junior outta this.”

“I keep your dick where I want!” Laughing and shaking his head he threw Kaoru’s phone into his lap and picked up his beer instead.

“So… how exactly do you plan on faking a brilliant idea when they get here?”, Kaoru inquired. Die waved dismissively. “We’ll jam something up.”

“Your confidence in our creative abilities is charming and all, but I don’t think I can live up to your expectations on that one.”

“You never do”, Die muttered in a sing-song voice, then pretended to clear his throat as if the words had slipped him unintentionally, “I mean, don’t sell yourself shorter than you are, I have no doubt in my heart you’ll contribute admirably to my pulling something outta my sleeve.”

The older guitarist shook his head and made a dismissive sound through his nose.

“You owe me for this, Masaru.”

“Yeah, I been thinking… Would take you out for dinner if it wasn’t for your stupid league…”

“It’s not stupid!”

“So I guess it’s take-out and beers instead.”

Nodding contently, Kaoru sunk back into the cushions. “I can live with that”, he sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. Die watched him in silence for a while, before turning to his own phone in search of inspiration.


	17. Agitated screams of...everyone basically

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Die is adamant about confronting team rhythm about their recent "history".  
If only Kyo wasn't so dramatic... 
> 
> ***

When Toshiya and Shinya entered, the rest of the band was already assembled, but no staff was buzzing around, setting up instruments or offering drinks. So this was really just a precursory meeting, Toshiya thought, probably just a passing thought that _could_ have been shared through a quick recording sent to the group chat, but then again, it was nice to get together instead of working secluded and alone, only to have your ideas run over by, let’s say, a vocalist deciding to turn a song into a 10 minute anthology (bless his soul) or cover any instrumental with a soliloquy of whale sounds … totally fictional events of course, any resemblance to real events or people are purely coincidental.

But, as much as Toshiya could see the positive in the summon, he could also see, that Shinya wasn’t pleased and if he was honest, he would have preferred to stay at the drummer’s place too. Not that there was anything wrong with work, it had just been… nice.

Kyo was on a couch, legs bent and so hunched over his phone that his knees almost touched his ears. Kaoru was in a chair, guitar in hands, laptop in front of him and headphones half on, plucking around with a deep frown. Die had evidently been pacing, as he spun around at the sound of the door, his eyes widening with a mixture of surprise and triumph at the sight of them.

“Kao, look who’s here. And arriving _together, _if you please.” Kaoru didn’t look up. He seemed absorbed. “Kaoru!” He went as far as to slap the oldest on the shoulder, who just vaguely waved away the hand without looking up, mildly slapping Die in return. Grunting, the younger guitarist threw himself in the middle of the free couch, crossing his legs and looking at the newest arrivals.

With one chair occupied, Die claiming a full couch, there were one chair and one seat on the couch opposite Die’s left available. Shinya sat down next to Kyo and Toshiya dropped into the chair, finding the seating arrangement weirdly suboptimal. He had Kyo to his left, Die to his right and Kaoru across the coffee table. He had to lean to his right to properly look at Shinya, thanks to Kyo being a crouching goblin who softly swayed back and forth. It seemed like his problem or whatever he was tending to on his phone hadn’t gotten better.

Maybe, the bassist thought, this was why Die looked so agitated, affronted by the vocalist’s lack of interest. But wasn’t it Shinya, he glared at? He couldn’t blame the drummer for glaring back rather crossly and sitting with knotted arms and legs, much different from just half an hour ago in the comfort of his own home.

They had just arrived and had done so as fast as had been reasonable. There was no need to _glare_. Toshiya frowned at the boisterous guitarist. He felt rather riled himself now. And rather like he’d prefer Die to glare at _him_ instead of Shinya. Like something should be done about Die picking on the drummer. Or anybody picking on him for that matter.

“So”, he said, maybe a little louder than necessary, but it did the job and got Die’s attention. “What’s the matter?” The ginger’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, and his tongue slipped over his lips. It was a calculating sort of stare, but just as Toshiya was beginning to feel really rather irked, Die’s face smoothed like silk and he gave him an almost apologetic smile.

“In a minute. Let’s wait until we have everyone’s attention, shall we?” He nodded to Kyo and Kaoru. Toshiya wasn’t sure but he could have sworn he had seen a certain blonde roll his eyes.

“In the meantime”, Die continued, spreading his hands out invitingly, “What’s new? What’s up? Any…”, he pursed his lips and shrugged, “…developments?”

Toshiya frowned again and gave this question a good long thought. Finally, he replied: “I broke my microwave on Tuesday.” Die’s neatly plucked eyebrows rose a little higher, but Shinya turned his head away, his hand in front of his face as if he were hiding a smile.

“Life hasn’t been the same since”, Toshiya added, delighting in the fact, that Shinya was now wheezing into his non-existent beard. Die on the other hand looked at him with something close to pity in his eyes, which the bassist found surprising, but it was comforting to know the Hairflipqueen could relate to the struggle of life without a microwave.

Shinya, having recovered from his fit of the giggles, expertly covered by dignity as it might have been, turned to him, smiling. “We should go shopping for a new one, if you suffer so much from it”, he suggested kindly and the bassist beamed. He had been putting it off because shopping for household appliances really wasn’t something that got his blood pumping with excitement, but the prospect of going together with a friend – this friend in particular – made it quite palatable.

“That’d be great!” He was about to launch into when and where they should go, but Die had perked up as well and he certainly didn’t seem to need a microwave himself.

“So you go shopping for appliances together, now?”, he asked and reached out an arm to casually close the laptop on Kaoru’s knees, who just slipped his hand under the closing screen and pushed it back up.

“Looks like it, does it not?”, Shinya replied coolly.

Toshiya frowned. Shinya and Die were staring each other down like two cats before the pounce while Kaoru’s and Die’s hands were pushing the laptop screen back and forth. It was both hilarious and absurd. Toshiya had no idea what was going on and whether to be alarmed or amused.

“Can you stop doing this, I’m onto something here”, Kaoru finally grunted, pushing the laptop screen up with finality.

“Can _you_ stop what you’re doing, cause _I _–“

“FINE!” But it wasn’t Kaoru who had yelled that. Surprised, all heads turned to the vocalist who had jumped up looking incensed. “I quit! I give up! I’ve had enough!” And he threw his phone straight across the coffee table with such force it bounced off the couch high and – _kathump. _

_Clatter. _

Silence.

“Ouch”, Toshiya groaned, clasping his forehead where Kyo’s phone had struck him. “You almost phone-bazookaed my eye, man!”

Kyo stifled a laugh, snorting a little. “I’m so sorry, but it looked...”

“Don’t you dare laugh about this”, Shinya hissed, jumping to his feet as well, eyes shooting arrows at Kyo. “Let me see.” The drummer’s voice was soft like summer rain when he addressed Toshiya, and his cool fingers were gentle as they pried the bassist’s hand away from his face and lifted his chin. Toshiya blinked blearily up at him, meeting worried eyes.

“Oh dear”, the blonde muttered, “You’re bleeding, but it’s just a small cut. We’ll need to get you some ice…” He turned to Kyo, pointing at him with one hand, but his other remained and Toshiya registered vaguely, that the drummer’s thumb was moving softly up and down his cheek in a comforting caress. “You!”, Shinya said. He didn’t raise his voice much, but Kyo took a step back anyway. “Get some ice, and then you sit your ass down, apologize, and tell us what your deal is.”

“I…” You could see the defiance rising in the small vocalist and he crossed his arms in front of his chest, standing his ground, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”, he spat.

“You could’ve hit _me_ too!”, Die piped up.

“But I didn’t”, bellowed Kyo, while Shinya threw a “Nobody cares, Die”, which had the ginger exclaim a “Hey!”. Kaoru shut his laptop with a loud snap, looking angry.

“Guys”, Toshiya said weakly, but he didn’t have to go any further. The sound of the door had everyone fall silent in an instant. Every head turned toward it. One of the marketing assistants who had been silently laboring in a nearby office stuck her head into the room.

“I’m sorry for the intrusion… I was asked to see if you were okay? We… heard shouting…” She looked timidly at the group of grown men who, in unison, realized they had been acting like a rowdy group of kindergarteners and agreed, without need for communication, to gloss it over.

“It’s fine”, Die said, putting up one of his most charming smiles.

“We’re good”, agreed Shinya calmly, stepping slightly sideways to hide Toshiya from view. Kyo held up his hand, producing his hand-fox who nodded.

“Thank you for your concern”, Kaoru added with finality, and the employee slowly retreated.

“If you need anything…”, she mumbled but a mixture of five voices saying “No” and “Thank you” shooed her away for good. The door closed and silence filled the room.

They all stood still, waiting for her to be out of earshot, then everyone started moving at once. Kyo stepped closer, taking a look at Toshiya’s bruise and bowing deeply. “I’m really sorry”, he said. Kaoru patted his back as he passed by, heading to the fridge. Die was on his way to a cabinet next to it. They came back with beers and a small first aid kit.

“One for drinking, one for cooling that horn you’re growing”, Kaoru said with a small smile and handed Toshiya two cold cans, while Die opened the first aid kit and held it out for Shinya, who rummaged to find a disinfecting wipe and a small Band-Aid.

The disinfectant stung a little, but the discomfort subsided quickly into the constant throbbing of a bone well hit by a solid object. Shinya took great care in applying the band-aid and when he was done, he brushed the hair out of Toshiya’s face and regarded him with a smile.

“You look kinda roguish now”, he said, and Toshiya returned the smile. The pain wasn’t _that_ bad, but he felt like a few extra pets of his hair and face by those soft and gentle fingers would have helped a lot, but you couldn’t have everything, right?

Die closed the first aid kit. There was a distinct line between his brows, but he didn’t say anything and he didn’t go back to glaring at anyone either. Instead, he picked up Kyo’s phone and sat down. The screen was still illuminated, and Toshiya caught a glimpse of colors, before the ginger turned the phone over to Kaoru, who frowned.

“Please tell me you didn’t give Toshiya a black eye over whatever this is.”

“That…is private…” Kyo tried to grab the phone from Kaoru, but Shinya was faster, snatching it up and flopping down on the armrest of Toshiya’s chair.

“That”, the drummer said, contempt and amusement clearly fighting over his voice, “…is _ikemen vampire_. Tell me, was your inquiry for love advice a few weeks back _possibly_ about… this game?”

“How do _you_ know what it is?”, Kyo asked, grabbing his phone back and cradling it protectively.

“Friends of mine happen to have made the theme song”, Shinya explained and took a steadying breath before answering the others’ silent request for enlightenment. “_Ikemen Vampire _is an otome game. You befriend and romance a bunch of guys.”

Kaoru face-palmed. Die looked like he had bitten on a lemon.

“Why would you play something like that?” Kyo opened his mouth to answer, but Die waved a defensive hand. “Rhetorical question. I don’t wanna know.”

Kyo retreated and pulled his legs up again, wrapped his arms around them and rested his chin on his knees. “Some of the endings are really nice…”

“Some”, Toshiya repeated, who found the whole thing rather hilarious, although he would have preferred not getting hit by phone over some game, “Did you play it through more than once?”

“Twelve times”, Kyo said quietly. Kaorus second hand joined his face. Die opened his beer and drank several large, calming gulps.

“You played it twelve times?” Toshiya clarified. Shinya was rubbing his temples.

“I’m trying to get a romantic happy ending with someone very special and it’s just not working!”, Kyo said defiantly, “He keeps _playing me_, like he doesn’t care about my feelings _at all.” _

“He’s fictional”, Shinya reminded sternly.

“Oh like you never lost it over a fictional character”, Kyo spat.

“I literally have not.”

“Cheburashka?!”

“Is NOT a ficitional character and I’m not looking to date them.”

Toshiya snickered and patted a bony leg, as Shinya was so nicely in reach, perched on the armrest as he was. “You did get awfully heartbroken when you had to leave the big one behind though”, he reminded the drummer, who flushed fiercely.

“That’s still _different_.” He nudged him in the arm rather playfully and Toshiya nudged back with a grin.

Meanwhile, Kaoru reappeared from his double-facepalm.

“So, just to be clear, there’s no actual problem. You’ve been obsessing over a game these past weeks.”

“Excuse me”, Kyo looked pretty offended, “Those are my feelings we’re talking about.”

“You have feelings for a fictional male vampire!” If Die had hoped saying this loudly and in a slightly disgusted tone would help Kyo realize anything, he was wrong.

“Just because he’s fictional doesn’t mean he can’t hurt me”, Kyo hissed and Toshiya let out a hearty laugh. It was both funny and admirable, how invested the vocalist could get, opening his heart to the smallest things and embracing any ensuing pain. Kyo gave him a reproachful look but didn’t say anything because he probably found the bassist had already suffered enough.

“Okay, let’s not give him a hard time about it, I’m getting a phone-smash-headache here and you had something to show us?” The black haired looked at the guitarists inquiringly. Die grimaced.

“Actually…”

“Yes”, Kaoru cut across him and picked his laptop back up and unplugged the headphones. “Been throwing this together… ‘s not much, mind you, but could be going somewhere.”

“If Toshi’s getting a headache we shouldn’t push it”, Shinya said thoughtfully and rested his hand carefully on Toshiya’s head who smiled at the gesture.

“Just give it a listen, then”, Kaoru asked hopefully “And then go home and rest up?” Toshiya nodded eagerly. Die pursed his lips and exchanged a quick glance with Kaoru, then shrugged.

“Go ahead, ol’ man. Oh, and Shinya? If I could have a quick word with you afterwards?”

“Naturally.” 

The hand on Toshiya’s head disappeared. He wouldn’t have minded, if it had stayed. If that hadn’t been it.

  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it through this chapter!
> 
> It seems like one side-character's problem has been revealed. Let's see if we can find out something about another one's in the next chapter: "Ain't afraid of Die"...


	18. Ain't afraid of Die

What Kaoru had to show them wasn’t bad. It was just two riffs haphazardly arranged with some basic beats and tunes and definitively needed a lot more work to gain direction, but Toshiya could see, why Die’s eyes gleamed with interest and inspiration and even Kyo perked up a little. The bassist was tempted to nod his head along, but his throbbing brow kept him from it and so he just listened and watched Shinya’s brittle fingers starting to tap on his thighs, while he cooled his head with the second beer Kaoru hat brought him.

Kaoru kept replaying and rearranging bits until they had all finished their drinks and Kyo was the first to get up and leave, looking gloomy and broken and forgetting entirely to extend any kind of goodbye as he walked out the door. Kaoru hat already put his headphones back on and was plucking again, but waved distractedly, when Shinya and Toshiya got up.

Die cleared his throat and got to his feet as well, giving Shinya a meaningful look.

“In private, please”, he said and motioned the drummer toward the rehearsing chamber.

“I’ll wait by the car, then”, Toshiya suggested and Shinya nodded, giving him a brief smile.

Uncertain, the black haired stood rooted to the spot for a moment. Kaoru didn’t even seem to mind or notice, that Die was taking Shinya next door, but the bassist felt a twitch of unease. He hoped this had nothing to do with whyever the guitarist had been staring Shinya down like an angry tiger.

After waiting a second of two, he turned and left for the elevator to the garage. Shinya could handle himself, and it was weird, that he had to remind himself of that. The drummer had put up with being the victim of jokes for ages, he wasn’t about to suffer damage by means of an annoyed guitarist. And yet… Toshiya sighed as he leaned against the side of the car. He would have felt better accompanying the blonde to his talk of the divas. Just to make sure. Just to… look after him a little.

Chuckling and shaking his head to himself, he wondered where that urge came from. For all he knew, he himself was the more fragile one, emotionally speaking. Shinya had always been this calm and grounded entity, no matter what hell had broken loose around him. It was admirable, really, and also kind of intriguing. If Die enjoyed razzing the youngest to try and get an untempered reaction, Toshiya saw the point more than ever these days. The difference, he thought, was that he wasn’t looking for just any kind of reaction. He wanted the laughs, the silly grins, the chortles and the flushed cheeks; the positive outbursts, so to speak. The thought made him smile pleasantly, while he waited.

*

Shinya stepped into the deserted rehearsal room. Die followed and closed the soundproof door behind them. He turned to face the mirror wall and began fixing his hair. Shinya said nothing, waiting for the ginger to speak.

“Do you know what you’re doing?”, Die finally asked, brushing through his mane with his fingers. He had opened the bun and was smoothing his hair out carefully.

“Generally, far more than most people”, Shinya said coolly, and Die’s face twitched with annoyance.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“I have nothing to say to you. If you have something to say to me, get to the point.”

“Maybe you don’t owe _me _any explanation, but you owe this band and the whole team, people depending on us and our integrity. So, if you don’t play by the rules…”

“I repeat: Get to the point, Die.”

“Fine. I’m gonna ask you just this one thing then: Is this serious? Or are you just… bored or something?”

The question took Shinya by surprise. He opened his mouth to retort but closed it again and in doing so, missed the chance to state clearly, that he did not know what Die was talking about. But they both knew, didn’t they? There was no sense in denying it. Die had picked up on what was going on pretty early on. If he was honest, Shinya was surprised it had taken him this long to speak up.

“You don’t know yourself, do you? So you’re just playing with everyone’s future for fun?” Die asked, looking angry.

“This is private. I’m not risking anybody’s anything. We always had this agreement, didn’t we? What’s private stays private and…” But Die cut across him:

“This is not private, Shinya! This is bullshit! Do you think I’m the only one who noticed? Have you given one fucking thought to what your little fancy is gonna lead to? And everything else aside, what about _him?_”

“Oh please, we are all adults. You’re just overreacting, because…” Again, he was cut off:

“Because I fucking know what it’s like to have to work next to someone you have feelings for! It sucks, Shinya. It sucks balls. Toshiya doesn’t deserve that.”

They glared at each other and Shinya almost felt pity for the other, but at the same time he hated him for throwing those things at him, things that weren’t baseless. Things he wasn’t entirely wrong about. Taking an interest in Toshiya _could_ have dangerous implications.  
To his shame though, what stood out to him the most, out of the things Die had said, was that he had implied, that Toshiya could develop feelings for him, Shinya. The thought was rather warm and exciting…

Die was looking at him, searching for a reaction, but Shinya did not give him the satisfaction and after a few seconds of silence, all anger seemed to seep out of the guitarist and his shoulders dropped a little. “Just… think about what you’re doing. This is not just your own decision. People’s jobs depend on this.”

Shinya dropped his gaze. Die looked so tired all of a sudden.

“Thank you for bringing your concern to my attention”, the drummer finally said stiffly. He even bowed his head a little. He didn’t know what else to say.  
Part of him wanted to leash out and tell the guitarist not to stick his nose into other people’s business. Part of him wanted to ask if Die had spotted any sign of Toshiya being interested in him, if maybe he had even said something. The two of them got along quite well. Maybe the bassist had confided in him… But asking any of the sort would have been unfair and selfish.  
Just as selfish as Die was, bringing up the team and their dependence on the band. Shinya knew that wasn’t the guitarist’s first and only concern. It was just a thin veil over his own feelings and frustrations. But bringing that up, too, would have been unfair. It would have led to a fight. Shinya did not fear a full-blown confrontation with the long-haired diva. On the contrary. He kept his mouth shut for one single reason: Hitting a man while he was down was beneath him.

“Will you stop this, then?” Die asked, raking his fingers through his hair again and leaving it more disheveled than before.

Shinya took a deep breath, held it for a second, then breathed out slowly. He wasn’t sure what to say, but the words made their way over his lips without his lead and while he heard himself speak, he knew that it wasn’t the best, most calculated answer, but the most honest:

“I am not sure I can.”

And Die could not make him.

And that was that.

*

When Shinya stepped out of the elevator, he looked calm and at peace and even though Toshiya knew it could be a façade, he felt soothed somehow. The blonde stopped next to him, instead of walking over to the passenger’s door.

“Do you mind, if I drive your car?”, he asked and held out his hand for the keys.

“Not at all”, Toshiya said and smiled at the concern the drummer seemed to harbor for him. “But it’s not like Kyo’s phone gave me a concussion.” 

He held out his keys anyway and Shinya took them, without breaking eye contact.

“Better safe than sorry, right?”

Toshiya nodded. For reasons unbeknownst to him, his smile grew, the longer they looked at each other and finally, not wanting Shinya to think he found his face funny or whatever, the black-haired broke the gaze and scampered over to the other side of the car, grinning to himself.

He fastened his seatbelt and noticed, that Shinya, too, was still smiling.

“Jesus, how tall are you?”, the drummer muttered, as he adjusted the driver’s seat and mirrors to his liking.

“How small are you?”, Toshiya retorted and reached out his hand to pat the top of Shinya’s head who shot him a look that said clearly:_ I’m trying to look angered but I’m really not, please proceed. _

“I am perfectly average sized”, he said.

“Just slightly below average”, Toshiya kept teasing, rubbing his thumb over the blond crown of hair in immediate apology.

“Coming from an in every aspect above average man, I think I can ignore that.”

“Oh, in _every _aspect?”

“Every aspect I know so far.”

“Which aspects do you need to complete the picture?”, Toshiya was snickering to himself already and Shinya’s serious face made it even worse.

“Not now, Toshiya, we’re in public”, he said in a scolding tone, that had the bassist laugh out loud.

That wasn’t the usual type of banter, was it?

More of that, please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***
> 
> Thanks for reading <3  
In the end, Die didn't have as much to say as anticipated, did he? Or were there, in fact, a lot of unspoken things hanging in the air? I guess we'll have to keep an eye on it, while Toshiya doesn't seem to be able to keep his eyes off Shinya, does he?


	19. [Mode of...] Kyo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yep today, we have two new chapters because the second one is just a flashback.   
In the spirit of the "Mode of..." concerts, whenever you see a "Mode of" in the title, be prepared for a juicy little flashback.  
Today, memory takes us back many many years in history...

_The shroud of memory blurs everything into a white mist. When the veil lifts, we find ourselves looking at a cramped 9m² room. The tatami floor is tattered and old. A small, stained kotatsu is in the middle of the room. Five young men crowd around it, trying to fit their legs under the grubby blanket of the heating table. The air is frigid and stale with smoke. An old cassette deck is blasting _Rosier _by _Luna Sea. _Heads shake to the scratchy sound of a cassette recorded from radio. Each of the boys is busy with needle and thread, glue or the like, but they all halt suddenly and break into song:_

ROSIER _aishita kimi ni ha_

ROSIER _chikazukenai_

ROSIER _Dakishimerarenai_

ROSIER _itoshisugite_

“By fe time I knew I waf born”, Kyo started rapping, failing miserably and since he was the only one who’d gone into that part of the song, he decided to not risk his image of being a highly talented singer any further and went back to attaching spikes to his stage outfit in the making. It was tedious work. He was speculating on Shinya being done with his dress soon, so he could ask for help and have the youngest do all the work for him. Shinya was too shy to say no anyway and he was good with things that required nimble fingers.

“Aw shoot”, he hissed, having burned himself with hot glue for the fifth time today.

“Gimme that”, Kaoru requested and Kyo gladly handed the hot glue gun over to their leader and leaned back, surveying the group.

“So, when can we afford someone to do the hot glueing for us?”, he asked and earned a dark look from Kaoru.

“When Kao can afford to pay his heating bills”, Die said and rubbed his arms. “I’m freezing.”

“You’d be nice and warm if you stopped drinking my beer”, Kaoru grunted, but he got up and went to a small pile of clothes stuffed into a corner, using the sniff-and-shrug method to find a hoodie that was still wearable and threw it around Die’s shoulders before continuing his work on his outfit.

Kyo crossed his arms across his chest and gnawed on his lip piercing. He was bored. Shinya and Toshiya were working mostly silently, and Kaoru had bored them with numbers of ticket sales for at least an hour. Die had been boasting about having had two girls the past week, but even so it had been an altogether boring afternoon at the leader’s place.

And a bored Kyo was never a good Kyo.

He looked around with narrowed eyes, trying to find some thing to entertain himself with. For a solid minute he considered knocking over the beer Die and Kaoru were sharing, but he decided against it for the love of the tatami floor and also because he valued his life. If anyone would kill over spilled beer, it was those two.

His eyes wandered over to Toshiya. Surely there was some way of annoying the bassist for a fun reaction… But Toshiya noticed him staring and looked up with a questioning gaze and Kyo didn’t like that. He didn’t want to be questioned with interest by this tall and dark guy. He didn’t know him well enough yet.

“Hey Shinya”, he cawed instead and the drummer looked up obediently. Kyo lowered his voice to a very audible whisper: “Don’t tell anyone but…”, his eyes flitted across the room, making sure he had everyone’s curious attention and he lowered his voice a little more, “I think I might be into guys.”

“I see”, Shinya said kindly, “And do you have anyone in particular in mind?”

“Eh…” Kyo scratched his chin, “Nah, it’s more like. A general sort of gayness, I guess.”

“Okay ew”, Die put down his sewing kit with more force than necessary. “Leader! Do something.”

Kaoru pouted thoughtfully, watching Kyo with a frown. “Like what?”

“Tell him not to be gay, maybe?”, Die requested, as if this was the obvious way to go and Kaoru was just being particularly slow about it.

“I don’t think that’s how these things work, Die”, Kaoru said slowly and shrugged.

“I don’t care, it’s gross”, Die said and crossed his arms. “Did you notice that while doing fan service with me? Because I hope not!”

“Nope, not with you”, Kyo said slyly and grinned.

“With _WHOM_ then? Who’s more attractive in your crooked mind?”

“That’s neither here nor there.” Kyo said evasively and grinned broader still, enjoying the drama.

“It’s very much here. I’m sure the person you’ve been gaying about wants to know?!”

“I’d be fine not knowing”, said Toshiya with a shrug and Shinya nodded in agreement. Every head turned to Kaoru, asking for a final word, but he held his hands up in defense.

“Look, I don’t think we have to discuss this. Whatever you do Kyo, do it in private, keep it to yourself. If I said it once, I said it a hundred times: Keep it down, no staff, no journalists, nobody working a high position at a label we might want to sign under in the future…” Die was silently mouthing along. He had heard the golden rules of dating a little too often. “And I guess nobody within the band, as of now.”

And that seemed to settle the matter.

Kyo and Die looked equally displeased, but the vocal was the first to speak.

“That’s all?”, he asked, looking around. “You don’t wanna… I don’t know… kick me out, find me a girl, show me nudes someone sent you recently, request that I never touch you again…”

“It’s not that big of a deal”, Shinya said, trying on his new, long gloves and inspecting the fit. “Nobody can tell you whom to be attracted to. Women are beautiful and some men are attractive too, so what.”

“Ew! You too??” Die exclaimed, scooting away a little, but immediately coming back closer, to not lose the heat of the _kotatsu_.

“I’m not saying I’m gay, if that’s what you mean”, Shinya said, rolling his eyes. “And let’s not forget you’re the one who got confused by…oh, that’s right, _me._”

“That wasn’t _gay_ confusion. That was perfectly straight confusion”, Die said defensively, but his cheeks were rather pinker than usual.

“Whatever it was, it proves my point: Men can be attractive.”

“No, they _can’t._ I thought you were a girl so that doesn’t prove anything”, Die argued back. Kaoru cleared his throat.

“Hide”, he just said, very reasonably and Die folded his hands and closed his eyes in defeat and humility.

“Hide, may he rest in music, is different, special, and the only man I could _ever_ be attracted to. Everything else is just_ gross_.” The younger guitarist really knew how to speak _in cursive. _

Kaoru gave a noncommittal grunt and shrugged, twirling his pink hair between two fingers.

Again, there were a few moments of silence. Again, it was Kyo’s annoyed voice breaking it:

“So none of you, other than Die, would have a problem with me being a homo?? Even though it’s super unnatural and stuff?”

“Actually, we see cases of homosexuality across the animal kingdom. It’s not as unnatural as one might think”, Shinya supplied and Kyo grimaced.

“Okay I know _you_ are a weirdo Shin-chan, but Kaoru? Toshiya?”

“As long as you keep it in your pants, man…”, Kaoru shrugged, watching Die drinking from the beer and probably counting the sips to make sure he didn’t drink more than his share.

Kyo shook his head. “Toshiya?”, he asked hopefully, but the bassist didn’t look anywhere as disgusted as Die either.

“I can’t really say. I’ve never done anything but fanservice with a guy, so I can’t really say it’s gross.”

“You don’t have to _try_ it to know it’s disgusting”, Die argued, “I certainly never done it and I know I need _tits._”

“Gimme the beer”, Kaoru grunted.

„I’m more a butt and legs guy, you see. And suppose you had feelings for someone?” Toshiya looked like he was puzzled by the hypothesis himself.

“Naah, come on. How you gonna get feelings for someone if you don’t wanna bang? Isn’t that just friendship then?”

“You are going to kick Kyo off the emotional-mess throne at this rate, big red”, Shinya said and sat a little closer to Toshiya. “I get the feeling us and the leader are the only sane people here…”

“Exxxcuse me”, Kyo spat, “Die is perfectly sane. But I’m not and I’m also not gay by the way. You guys are so lame. What do I have to do to rattle you??”

“Last week when you left a syringe in my car and claimed to have taken heroine wasn’t bad”, Kaoru said reasonably.

“Yeah but now I already played that card”, Kyo whined and fell back onto the tatami with a dramatic sigh. “You guys just don’t care about me anymore.”

“Us not being homophobic assholes, Die excluded, means we don’t care about you?” Shinya frowned.

“Well, in a way…”, Kyo muttered, curling up into fetal position to wallow in self pity.

And that was that.


	20. Why? At home.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team rhythm continues their little get together and Toshiya does a notice.  
Yes, he notices something.
> 
> ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Disclaimer: I am going with my own ideal pet situation for Shinya's household here. 
> 
> *Today's title is a little insider, don't worry about it's meaning xD

It was at the second intersection, that Toshiya caught his reflection in the side mirror and noticed, that he was still smiling like an idiot. The short flare of the post-tour-blues aside, the past weeks had probably been the happiest non-touring weeks in a long time. He didn’t mind being at home without too much band related work going on, even enjoyed bunkering up with some comfort food and beer to enjoy some “me time”, but this was different. A giddy kind of happiness. A lurking excitement instead of calm relaxation and recreation. And it wasn’t just the fun he had texting Shinya and, speaking of right now, enjoying some banter; it was as if a secret sixth sense was telling him with surprising conviction, that more goodness was ahead.

Relishing that strange feeling, Toshiya couldn’t help but chuckle to himself.

“Should I be worried or is it just my driving amusing you?” At this, the bassist laughed even harder, but quickly caught himself, cleared his throat and shook his head.

“Your driving is fine, don’t worry. My head probably is too.”

“Not so sure about your head… But I’m glad you’re not scared for your life yet. I don’t actually remember the last time I drove…”

Toshiya gulped and blinked at the other incredulously. “You tell me this now?? I _could _have driven myself, you know?!”

“And laughed like a maniac while driving? Then _I _would’ve been scared for my life...” Shinya threw him a sideways glance and Toshiya sighed pleasantly. He didn’t mind the drummer pulling his leg at all.

They fell silent for another few blocks and despite the radio being off and nothing but the muted sounds of traffic between them, it was a pleasant silence. No pressure to fill it.

After a while, Shinya spoke again, and he sounded almost strangely grave.

“I think I better drive you home…”

“What, why?”

“As Kaoru said… you should rest.”

“But your cat tree”, Toshiya immediately protested, knowing full and well, the drummer was more than capable of setting it up by himself. “And I feel fine!”

Shinya looked at him at a red light, and his umber eyes seemed uncertain.

“If you’re worried about me, you shouldn’t leave me alone anyway! What if I feel horrible suddenly and have to call you back? That would be annoying, right?”

“So, I’d be your emergency contact?”

“I think so…I mean you’ve been my number one contact for a while, I’d feel less bad about calling you than calling someone to whom I haven’t spoken in weeks, plus, you have a pretty reassuring vibe.”

Shinya smiled and after a breath of silence he replied quietly: “You’re my number one as well, Toshi.”

And that was that…

Except obviously it wasn’t.

*

When Die left the rehearsal room, he could still hear the tinny sounds of unamplified e-guitar strings and despite having stayed away for a few more minutes after Shinya had left, he certainly hadn’t been missed. Kaoru was deep in the zone, plucking, rearranging, plucking; a frown and his trademark pouty lips ever present on his face.

Die watched him for a while, wondering if he should let the man lose track of time and miss his beloved soccer game, but then, even the hardest sadist couldn’t take this away from the leader, right?

“Come on, workaholic”, Die finally said, patting Kaoru’s back and pulling the headphones from his ears. “You’re gonna miss your game.”

“Oh damn, you’re right.”

“You know, when I asked you to pretend like we had a song idea going, I didn’t expect you to dive into it like that…”

“But you do like it?”, Kaoru asked, clearly missing the point; the hidden accusation, that he hadn’t paid attention to what Die had wanted him to look out for. The ginger heaved a sigh and pulled on his jacket.

“Sure.”

“Can’t wait for you to get into it and add your writing…” Kaoru muttered while packing his things.

“Flatterer…” He could’ve pressed the matter, could have stated that, after today, he was even more certain something was indeed going on between team rhythm. He could have called out that Shinya had not even had the grace to try and deny it. But something told him, that he could just as well have told these things to his empty beer can, for all the good it’d do. And he just didn’t have the energy. Not today, anyway.

*

Convinced that leaving Toshiya alone with his phone-bazooka-concussion wasn’t a good idea, Shinya had agreed to taking the bassist back to his place as originally planned but insisted on him promising to stay on the couch and rest.

Upon their arrival, they were greeted by the door by a fiercely barking menace, that turned into a tail wagging ball of chihuahua goodness, as soon as Shinya had entered and kindly told the dog to be quiet, as this wasn’t a burglary. Toshiya noticed, that this wasn’t the same chihuahua he had met years before and decided, that it was best not to mention or confirm this, because a change of dogs usually meant a broken heart and he didn’t want to tear open old wounds.

“What’s his name?”, he asked instead, cautiously crouching down to let the little ball of fur sniff his hand, who clearly seemed intimidated by the tall human just entering the premises without dog approval.

“That depends. If he bites you or pees on you, you can call him dipshit”, Shinya said with a straight face and set out the slippers he had offered Toshiya before. The bassist wavered in his attempt to greet the dog and pulled his hand back a little.

“Is that likely?”, he asked, eyeing the little dog nervously. Shinya scooped the vicious beast up into his arms and gave him a little kiss on the head. It was a rather picturesque scene to watch, wholesome and sweet overall, but what Toshiya noticed, oddly enough, were the drummer’s lips. Nothing particular about them, nothing for better or worse. He just… _noticed _them.

“Gena-chan wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s just really shy. Here, hold him.” And he shoved the little dog into Toshiya’s arms. “Sometimes he loses a few drops when he’s scared, so be careful.”

“Shinya!”, Toshiya exclaimed helplessly, wondering what being _careful_ exactly meant, when you tried to keep a dog from weeing on you. “You don’t have any pants I’d fit into, if he loos on me”, the black-haired whimpered and tried to adjust his hold on the dog to the little guy’s liking.

“That is true”, Shinya agreed, but instead of taking the dog back, he strutted into the living room, leaving Toshiya to deal with the pet. “That’s why I recommend _care._”

“Oh, do you”, Toshiya said, hoisting the chihuahua closer and petting him a little in an attempt to comfort him. He _could_ have set him down. But you don’t just drop what a drummer hands to you. “You know, I’m starting to suspect you’re trying to get me naked”, he joked, managing to put on the slippers and following Shinya, who glanced at him with the blankest expression.

“Huh. Caught in the act”, he said, his face as unreadable as ever. “And I was being _so_ clever about it.”

“Clever maybe, but I could think of better ways to get naked than a dog having an accident on me…” Toshiya laughed half-heartedly. He wasn’t sure if Shinya was doing a bit or if his stone cold face was a sign of displeasure about the joke.

“Tell me more”, the drummer requested, while he busied himself in the kitchen, retrieving a light blue ice pack with snowmen on it from the freezer and fetching a fresh towel to wrap it in.

“About what?”, Toshiya asked, sitting down on the couch and carefully placing the little dog on his lap, who scrambled to his feet, but instead of scampering off, he started to sniff interestedly and Toshiya pet his head gently. The spot, where Shinya had kissed Gena.

“About how you’d like me to go about getting you naked”, Shinya replied, sounding interested. He filled two fresh glasses with some of the leftover champagne and brought them to the couch along with the ice pack. Toshiya watched him open-mouthed until the drummer handed him the ice and the drink.

“Uhm”, he made, frowning a little, and found himself giving the question more thought than the banter merited. How _would_ he like Shinya to go about getting him naked? The question whether or not he _did_ want that didn’t even make it into the bassist’s calculation. He just… kind of pondered the question he’d been asked, trying to answer truthfully.

Shinya sipped champagne and watched him patiently.

“I don’t know”, Toshiya said, finally. Weird images had swirled through his mind, nothing concrete, nothing that really rattled or worried him. Just a hazy mixture of ideas. Nothing to make conversation about, anyway. Mostly dimly lit rooms filled with moonlight and excited wonder. “Just ask, I guess?”, he shrugged and then let out a little chuckle. “Good thing Kaoru didn’t insist on jamming, I’m clearly not the most creative right now.”

Shinya smiled. “You’re putting it on your head trauma? Weak excuse. And think about it: Just asking would be awkward, wouldn’t it?”

“I mean, you could go first.”

“What, are you trying to get me to strip now?”

“No, I’m just saying, if you like, I mean not you in particular, but just in general, if someone were to take of their shirt and then say something like ‘You get naked too’ I guess it would be less awkward?!”

“Highly questionable train of thought, Toshi, I’m not buying it.”

“I’m not selling it very well.”

“I’m not even sure what you’re trying to sell me. All I wanted to buy was your naked body and here you are offering me awkward foreplay.”

Toshiya almost spilled his drink from laughing. It was amazing how the blonde could deliver such things in the driest of tones, not a muscle twitching in his face.

“I’m sorry, do you send your dog to pee on an apple if you wanna buy it?”

Finally, Shinya broke, his lips – those which Toshiya had noticed, the ones that had kissed Gena’s head – breaking into a wide smile.

“Touché”, he chortled and shook his head, the reached out to pet Gena who had settled down on the bassist’s lap quite contently. “Don’t pee on him, Ge-chan.”

Toshiya pretended to let out a long held breath with relief. “Phew, so I’m safe now?”

“I can’t promise that, but he seems to like you, so I don’t think there’s any immediate danger.”

Toshiya smiled proudly over the declaration of having won the chihuahua over, and he glanced down at the fluffy fellow, who now enjoyed being petted by two hands. There was barely enough dog to manage it without touching hands every once in a while, but Toshiya barely noticed it. He was still busy processing a different noticing.

Wasn’t it weird? People all had lips. Young, old, women, men, everything in between, every race every walk of life… everyone had lips of some kind, yet you usually didn’t _notice_ them. You never met someone and went like ‘Oh hey, you have a mouth, and fully equipped with lips, too; good job’. They were just there, hanging out in everyone’s face, kinda. And yet here Shinya’s lips were. Doing a very good job at hanging out in the drummer’s face.

“Hey, are you spacing out on me?”

“Huh?”

“You can’t just zone out just because you have a fluffy puppy on your lap…”

“Oh!” Ah, yes. Shinya was right. He rarely got to cuddle a pet. No wonder his brain was kinda fuzzy.

“But I’m glad if you two get along.”

“Me too”, Toshiya said and focused his attention back on the blonde next to him, but before he could, you know, maybe engage in the act of _noticing_ a little more, the drummer got to his feet.

“Actually, if you could just keep him occupied? Galja is clearly busy hiding and that’s just as well. The two are a nightmare when I try to set things like this up.” He pointed toward the boxes Toshiya had carried upstairs earlier that day. “I’ll just get to work while you two get to know each other.”

“Oh no, but I wanted to help”, Toshiya immediately exclaimed, and for a second he feared his outburst had shocked Gena a little too much, but all was safe and dry.

“You promised to rest”, Shinya reminded him and as he got to his feet, his laid his free hand on the bassist’s head. Toshiya’s mind went _yes _at this and he just smiled contently. “Plus, you’re already helping by keeping this little man from stealing my tools.

_Yes_, Toshiya thought again, a soft touch of the head was nice. Maybe he should ask Kyo to throw his phone around a little more often.

And that was it.

For this chapter, anyway.


	21. The Blossoming BONDzebub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you fed up with pup!Toshiya enjoying his headrubs yet? Because I'm not.

While Toshiya petted a little dog, Shinya got to unpackaging. He cut the boxes open and sliced some into pieces to stuff them in the whole ones, like a carton ninja. The bassist wondered why he seemed in a hurry, but that question was soon answered by means of a loud _flop. Tap tap tap.   
_And then something weirdly pink and grey colored came bursting from somewhere down the hallway, jumping headlong into a box, before Toshiya had time to register what type of animal had just arrived.

“There you go”, Shinya said calmly, picked up the box into which the pink creature had disappeared and carried it over to the couch. “This is Galja. It’s safe to pet her while she’s in a box.” But Toshiya wasn’t sure he wanted to. The creature had a face like a gremlin, quite cute so to speak, but…

“But she doesn’t have fur…”, he said weakly, looking at the cat-shaped sack of skin in the box. The cat-shape stared back at him.

“No waaaay”, Shinya drawled and went back to work on the packages.

“But…”

“Please, if you don’t pet her, she’ll go for another box, and another, and another…”

Sensing a drumsel in distress once again, Toshiya plunged a careful hand into the box and watched, as the Sphynx snuggled against it, turned three times in a circle and then flopped down to expose a wrinkly tummy.

“Is she rolling?” Shinya asked borderline-anxiously and Toshiya nodded.

“Yeah, I got her tummy.”

“You’re an angel, Toshi”, Shinya sighed with genuine relief and Toshiya laughed. Here he sat, dog on lap, hand in fur, the other arm stuck in a box, rubbing the tummy of a cat-faced naked mole rat and Shinya called him _angel_ for it, like he had saved the day.

Noticing the blonde’s lips suddenly didn’t seem so weird anymore. The whole situation was a little… unusual. But far from unpleasant.

It took Shinya only about 15 minutes to put together scratching posts and platforms into a finished monstrosity of a cat tree. Toshiya watched him in awe, imagining how he himself would struggle with a task like this. Finally, Shinya straightened up, shook the cat tree to test its sturdiness and nodded, pleased. He brushed his hair out of his face and turned to Toshiya.

“We make a good team.” The bassist could only nod his approval. He liked being on a team.

“How’s your head?”, Shinya asked, after putting tools and trash away and shoving the rest of the packaging toward the _genkan_.

“It’s fine, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry, I gave you both babies and you didn’t have a hand free for icing your bruise…”

“I’m telling you, it’s fine.” But then, it was even finer, when Shinya picked up the wrapped cooling pack, sat down on the armrest much like he had in the studio and carefully dabbed the cold towel against the bassist’s forehead.

“You know, you’re doing an amazing job with these two. I didn’t think you’d be able to keep them on the couch with you all the time.”

Grinning, the black haired shrugged, secretly pleased with the praise. “Must be my magic fingers. I got supreme cuddling skills.”

“I can see that. Almost makes me want to get some myself.”

“I would, but, you know… manos ocupado …” Shinya chuckled and shook his head, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he turned his gaze to his pets and watched them enjoying the bassist’s big hands. He looked content at first, but the longer Toshiya looked at him, the more he got the feeling, that a shadow was creeping over the blonde’s face. Nothing overly obvious, just a certain cold, that had nothing to do with his regular ice princess image.

“Shinya?”, Toshiya asked quietly after a while of silence, apart from the soft purring of the naked cat, “What did Die want to talk about?”

Once again, something seemed to happen in the drummer’s eyes, but Toshiya couldn’t define it and it was nothing more than half a heartbeat before the blonde looked up at him and smiled.

“He asked me to make sure to put a faster beat on the new song. He didn’t want to tell Kaoru the pace was boring him.”

The lie was as smooth as ice cream on a summer’s day and Toshiya trusted the younger way too much to spot it.

“He could’ve asked me that too”, he said instead, feeling rather left out and some of the anger he had felt earlier in the studio returned, but in a different hue. Why was Die singling the drummer out for such things?

But Shinya spotted the unease and stepped in with care and precision: “He trusted me to relay the message to you as well. Would’ve been suspicious if he’d talked to us both in private, wouldn’t it?”

Toshiya nodded. A small voice in his brain said: _This doesn’t add up. Why was Die so pissed, then?  
_But a much louder and much more pleasant voice said: _Die trusted Shinya would talk to me. Cause we’re talking. We’re a team. _

And that was good.

And talk they did. Shinya got another round of drinks, then he claimed the spot next to Toshiya by removing the box in which Galja resided, who streaked off to inspect the new tree. Gena soon followed and Toshiya was amazed, that a dog would use a cat tree. Shinya explained about limiting such toys to one species was society’s fault and suddenly they were neck deep in a philosophical discussion about the pressure of expectation and limitation the modern world put on people.   
Next moment they were bantering about Shinya escaping oppression by building illegally on his balcony and Toshiya promised to break him out of prison if need be.

One glass later they were on the fictional run from the law, trying to explain to their management and band that they had to flee the country on account of a balcony and pretending to be a married couple to get visiting rights in prison and then escape.

Next thing they knew they were heisting a Cheburashka museum in Russia, Shinya slipped in the snow, broke a leg during the escape and Toshiya promised, swore on his life, that he would carry the drummer through the snow if it was the last thing he did.

By the time they were living happily ever after in a remote part of the world, wanted in several countries, Toshiya’s throat was almost sore from laughing and talking to much.

*

Meanwhile, Kaoru and Die had left the empty beer cans on the table on their way out, Die picked up food on the way, while Kaoru went ahead to make sure there was beer in the fridge. They ate in silence and drank some more, while waiting for the game to start.   
Twenty minutes into the game Die was wondering why he was even doing this to himself. Soccer was fun to watch… for about twenty minutes. Somehow he kept forgetting this, whenever Kaoru needed a watching buddy. _And nobody else was free._

Die proceeded to spend most of the game on his phone and when Kaoru excitedly proclaimed that the game was surely going into overtime, the ginger clicked his tongue. That was it for him.

“Mind if I crash here? I’m beat.”

Kaoru snapped out of his hypnosis, evidently needing a second to rearrange where he was. In his living room, with his bandmate, not in a stadium yelling at the referee to stop being an idiot.

“No problem. Take the bed”, he said with a shrug. “I’ll probably sleep on the couch anyway.”

“You really need to get a TV for your bedroom…” Die said, shaking his head. He emptied his drink, got up and went to the bathroom. He didn’t have a toothbrush here, but he knew where Kaoru kept spares. By now, Die had a whole collection of spare toothbrushes that he had only used once, at Kaoru’s place. He had no idea when he’d ever use them. He much preferred his electric toothbrush anyway, but throwing them out was kind of a waste.

Maybe he’d try and leave the toothbrush here this time. He’d just have to hide it, because Kaoru had a habit of going through his apartment and shoving everything in his hands that he had left, before he headed out. This was a wonderful thing to do, as he would otherwise often have left his phone, keys or purse here, but the damned toothbrushes…

While he brushed his teeth, he looked for a spot to hide it. Maybe he’d put it with the hair products Kaoru rarely used anymore. There it would stay hidden and he could go around saying he had a toothbrush at the leader’s place. Take that corporate Shinya.

“You okay, buddy?” Kaoru was leaning in the bathroom door, arms crossed, frowning.

Die bend over and spat out with gusto. _Buddy my ass_, he thought and took his sweet time answering. He gargled, spat out again, washed his face and dried it thoroughly with a hopefully fresh towel. Reappearing from it, his face aching a little from the hard rub – exfoliation, bitches – he gave Kaoru a look with raised brows.

“Is my bedtime routine so interesting or do you gotta pee so badly?” Kaorus jaws were working for a second, then he shrugged.

“Bladder isn’t the same.”

“Can’t wait to reach your age. Do you still have that awesome moisturizer?”

“Mh.” Kaoru went to a drawer and pulled out a fresh pot of the lotion Die was referring to.

“You don’t need to open a new one, I can use your leftovers.”

“’m not using it anymore. Switched back to my old stuff. Just thought I’d keep a pot around… For emergencies.”

Die didn’t know what to say and he felt very bad, as he opened the jar and dipped his fingers in. He wanted to say sorry for being snappy, and irritable, wanted to tell Kaoru that he’d been silly and just a child back then, two minutes ago, but instead he slapped a gracious amount of moisturizer on his face and held his tongue.

“Night ol’ man.” He clapped Kaoru on the shoulder as he passed him. The leader’s chin was crinkling with his pout as he nodded.

Die went straight to bed. The sheets were soft and although they didn’t smell perfectly fresh and rosy, the ginger inhaled the familiar scent deeply after wrapping himself up thoroughly. He could hear Kaoru switch off the bathroom light without using the toilet and heading back to the living room. _Well,_ Die thought to himself, _if that doesn’t suck._

*

Nothing sucked at the other end of the band. Toshiya had started to yawn frequently and infected Shinya with the yawns, until it finally seemed unreasonable to stay up much longer.   
“I’ll call you an uber. You shouldn’t drive anymore”, Shinya decided, and Toshiya nodded. He felt more drunk than the alcohol could be held accountable for, but the drummer himself looked unmistakably flushed, so he didn’t feel bad about it. Maybe the expensive champagne had just been very strong.

Shinya extricated himself from the couch. He had at some point pulled his feet up and had stuck them under Toshiya’s thighs to warm his icy toes. Toshiya hadn’t minded.

He stretched comfortably on the couch while Shinya made the call, sighed and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Fifteen minutes is perfect, thank you”, he heard Shinya say, and at the same time, he felt cool fingers brushing softly through his hair. He kept his eyes closed and smiled to himself.

“Your hair is always so soft and messy”, Shinya justified his action and Toshiya dipped his head backwards to look up at the blonde.

“Are you saying I should spend more time on styling it properly?”

“Not at all. I’d have to find a different excuse for touching it, then.”

Toshiya laughed and closed his eyes again, wondering. After a while, he said: “If it’s not messy enough as an excuse, you can use the fact that I like this instead.”

“I will take you up on that offer.”

The bassist opened his eyes again and found Shinya looking serenely happy. No shadow darkening his features, no cold creeping into his umber eyes.

He liked that. A lot.


	22. Mode of... Year of Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be warned: As the title may suggest, this flashback does not take us back to a happy time. The year is (around) 2007 and everything kinda sucks at this point. But we know our hero bassist will pull through, so stay strong. 
> 
> ***

_The shroud of memory descends once again over the scene. Blurred shapes hover in the mist, until they form the shabby interior of a tour bus. The air is thick with old smoke and the smell of stale beer. The curtains on the berths are open, all but two. One is tightly closed, and the stingy smell of inhalator fluid confirms the message on a sticky note taped to the wall next to the cot. _

_“Don’t talk to me, my throat hurts and I won’t be singing tonight if anyone tries to make me talk ever again.” _

_Another berth’s curtain is half closed. Long legs protrude from it, unable to get comfortable inside the cabin. A bassist lays in there, arms crossed behind his head, staring at the low ceiling. Muffled voices from the living area of the bus reach his ears while he continues to stare, unable to sleep, unable to keep his mind from wandering. _

Wandering far from the bus, far from the stage they’d be playing tonight. To where his thoughts kept going, over and over again… to close to a year ago, when…

The curtain moved slightly and a bony hand held out a steaming cup of coffee. Toshiya held his breath for a moment, but then he took it.

“How’d you know I’m awake?”, he muttered.

“You always are these days.”

The black haired grimaced. Was it so obvious?

Shinya didn’t say anything else. He heard him slip into the cot beneath his own and sighed. Kind of the drummer to bring him coffee. Not so kind to mention his… current state of mind. But at least he didn’t try to get him to talk like Inoue had. Like Kaoru had.

Of course everyone knew he had had a breakup about a year ago. But he hadn’t told anyone about the details or about how ever since, he didn’t feel enough, ever. And how this time of year it seemed to be getting worse instead of better with time.

Die’s laughter echoed from the front. Cheerful, light-hearted. “I can’t believe you blacked out… What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Trying to find a room?” Die laughed again. “Nothing beyond that?”

“Let a man have his aspirin before interrogating him, will ya?”

Kaoru sounded like he was on his death bed. Probably a well-deserved hangover. The black-haired almost wished he’d have gone drinking with them. Maybe a hefty hangover would have been the smaller assault, compared to his prolonged heartbreak.   
It wasn’t even so much that he missed that particular girl so much. It was just this… haunting feeling of utter inadequacy. Of being unable to please no matter how much he tried. Because boy, had he tried.

“How can you be so cheerful in the morning, honestly?”, Kaoru’s grunt of suffering carried over to Toshiya’s cabin. For what it was worth, he tried to listen. To be distracted from his ever-circling self-pity.

“I had a good night is all.” Die’s voice said.

“Oh how the tables have turned…”, Shinya muttered, but it was too quiet to reach the guitarists’ ears.

“I’m glad I could entertain you, now let me die in peace, please?”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, leader. Wasn’t your doing and I’m not doing _that_ ever again.”

There was a rather long stretch of silence following these words, then Kaoru said: “Glad we cleared that up.”

Toshiya frowned for a moment, but just like it had been for the past months, his interest faded as fast as a drop of water in the desert. It seemed like nothing could excite him anymore. His curiosity had fled the sinking ship of his life… Jesus Christ he started to sound like Kyo.

He closed his eyes again for a moment, then decided to grasp at the straw that Shinya had, willingly or not, extended.

“What do you mean the tables have turned?”, he asked quietly.

“Can I come up?”, the drummer asked back.

“Uh.. I guess?”

The curtain lifted for the briefest of moments, as Shinya ducked under it and nimbly climbed into the berth.

“Move over”, he whispered and Toshiya found himself squashed further into the cabin by the skinny drummer. The cot was hardly wide enough for one person to sleep without serious danger of falling out, but with the two of them it was nearly uncomfortably cramped. Shinya’s shoulder was so bony against his own it almost hurt.

_In hindsight, the only reason these two figures were able to sit together in the berth is, that this was at Toshiya’s “Before Transformation” phase. _

The bassist adjusted his position a little and tried to cope with the sudden and unannounced assault on his personal space.

“So”, Shinya said, peering through a gap between curtain and wall for a second, before leaning even closer with a conspiratorial sort of air. “Word on the street has it, that the photographer who has been at the past two shows has been unable to make up her mind last night… and convinced our two guitars to have a threesome with her.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Toshiya searched the drummer’s eyes, that gleamed with amusement in the darkness.

“No.”

It could have been a solid minute, that they stared at one another. Toshiya incredulous, Shinya now calm and serious. When the drummer seemed content that Toshiya believed him – which he kind of did by now – he continued: “Of course Kaoru seems to have been drunk as a skunk and as you just heard, he says he doesn’t remember any of it. But word on the street is, that she didn’t have a hard time convincing either of them.”

“Word on the street”, Toshiya repeated with raised eyebrows.

“I have my sources, my…little birds twittering in my ear from time to time.”

“And you’re sure it wasn’t like… one and then the next?”

“Oh no, they definitely disappeared together. I can’t say what happened behind closed doors, but the word threesome has definitely fallen, and you see where the irony kicks in.”

“Not…really…”

Shinya clicked his tongue, moved to face Toshiya properly and took a sip of his coffee, which he had brought with him. “Let me enlighten you.” Toshiya couldn’t help but sit up a little and listen closely. There was the tiniest spark of curiosity in him.

“Once upon a time”, Shinya started, still whispering but giving his voice a mysterious tone all the same, “before we all stopped talking about things that don’t directly concern work, Kyo tried to pull our leg by saying he was interested in men. Remember that?”

Toshiya frowned and searched his memory. He couldn’t recall the specific incident, but it sounded familiar, so he nodded.

“Well, Die got all upset and disgusted about the idea, right? And Kaoru laid down the rule that such activities are prohibited within the band.”

“Oh, I see now…”

“And to top that off, it has only been a few months since Die saw me with a man I dated back then, and he came to me to talk about it and he _again_ said that he thinks it’s disgusting and wrong to even get near thinking about other men. And lookie who got himself into a threesome with one set of male genitals too many?”

“Um… I didn’t know you were dating a man”, Toshiya said a little weakly. He had just received more information than his brain had been willing to process for the past weeks. There was good reason for his hiding in the shadows on stage and refusing to go to interviews where possible…

“I am not at the moment”, Shinya shrugged, took another sip of coffee, while watching him over the edge of the plastic cup. “You’re not disgusted, are you?”

“No, no”, Toshiya quickly replied and shook his head fervently. “It’s just… I didn’t know…”

“I don’t go around telling people about it, unless there’s any merit to it.”

Toshiya looked at him, mouth slightly open.

“For how long…” But he fell silent. There was a shuffling of feet and then slow steps approaching.

Shinya lifted his finger up to his lips and then, as quickly as if he’d fallen out of the berth, he disappeared down into his own.

“Where are you going?”, Die called, and the steps halted for a moment.

“To bed, obviously.”

“Oh come on, the night can’t have been _that _exhausting for you. It’s not like you really _did_ much…”

“Here’s an idea for you: Shut up.” Die laughed. He didn’t seem willing to take anything seriously right now.

“Okay, but one last thing: Were you really into her? Or can I, like, keep dating her for a while?”

“Go ahead. Fine with me.” And with that, Kaoru passed their berths and Toshiya heard him scrambling into his own next to his. He had meant to lean down to ask Shinya some more things, but something told him it was healthier to keep quiet and pretend he had been asleep all the time.

Frowning, he went back to staring at the ceiling. But this time, it wasn’t a break-up or endless self pity that ran through his mind. Everything Shinya had said rang in his ears.

Threesome. Irony. Shinya dating a guy.

_….unless there’s any merit to it. _

Well, clearly, surely, Shinya had just slipped the information to tell the full extend of the story this time, but there was one merit to it… it had pulled Toshiya from his depression, busied his mind, even if only for a while, even if unintentional.

*

One berth lower, Shinya opened the notes app on his iPhone.

_B distracted for now. Serious depression possible? Slip number of therapist?  
Shimote & Kamite not ok. Whose fault? Investigate Photographer. Will be in Kobe again.   
Ask dog sitter for more pictures.   
Make V drink his tea.   
Stretch. _

It was a busy tour, when you were trying to covertly keep a band from falling apart.


	23. Bottom of the Dopamine Valley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little bit of a wild mix, so before we get into it, let me say a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who's reading and all of you who are taking the time to comment on this mess of a story. I appreciate it a lot!! Thank you all <3 
> 
> Now, let's get through the Bottom of the Dopamine Valley so we can soon Drain Away the Grief and I can finally Devote my Life to more Fluff... (feel free to shoot me...)
> 
> **

Toshiya was wandering the isles of the household appliances. The signs flashed information, he didn’t care to process. How hard could it be to buy a fucking microwave. That dark blue one looked pretty fancy, but the shiny surface would probably be hard to keep streak free.

“I really just want something that makes popcorn, warms my leftovers and is easy to clean”, he muttered and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. This would have been so much easier and so much more fun if a certain drummer had been here.

For the tenth time he checked his phone. No new messages.

Shinya had cancelled the shopping trip on last notice. He had apologized most kindly, but the bassist couldn’t help but feel a stinging unease. It had been a week since they’d last met and somehow… Sure, they were used to not seeing so much as a shadow of one another for weeks on end. Sometimes the group chat laid bare for just as long, but… He couldn’t quite pinpoint it. It just felt _different_.   
Maybe because they had been chatting a lot before. For the past days though, contact had fallen short. He had still been talking to Shinya more than anybody else, owing to the fact that he had texted _nobody _else, but just…

Had they run out of topics? That evening on the couch it had seemed like they never would. Like they could talk about politics and animals and fictional stories and music and wine for years on end. Maybe it had been a tipsy illusion. Talking sure was easy when alcohol was by your side. And yet…and yet.

The creeping feeling in the pit of his chest reminded him of years ago. He had spun faster into depression than you could say “She wasn’t the one anyway” after a relationship and it had taken many months and a whole lot of support from family and friends to build his self-esteem back up. Of course it had all worked out fine in the end and he had learned that not all his efforts were lost on everything in life.

Still the suspicion that he might have done something wrong to earn Shinya’s sudden retreat, or that hadn’t done _enough_ to keep him interested in their newly found friendship nagged in the back of his mind and he had to repeatedly remind himself that a) it had only been a few days and b) this was normal. In fact, more normal than the daily near non-stop contact they had had for a while. It had been normal for years not to stay in touch privately. Even Die and Kaoru had had a time of barely seeing each other, as far as Toshiya was aware.

That being said, there was nothing to fret about per se.

“Hypnotizing the microwave for a reason?”

Toshiya jerked out of his thoughts and looked up. Kaoru was standing next to him, wearing a hat and bundled up in a scarf as if winter was upon him. With his oversized glasses and his knitted sweater, he looked like a grandma out on a stroll, in need of aid crossing the street.

“Hi”, Toshiya said blandly and looked back at the shelf he’d been fixing, as if seeing it for the first time. “Uh, no… Just had a brain fart… What are you doing here?”

“’m looking for an pressing iron for my mom’s birthday.” Kaoru rolled his eyes. “Can’t think of anything else.”

“Still making her iron your overlong button up shirts, then?”

“Don’t grabble in Die’s old joke box, man.”

“They copyrighted now?”

“Nah, just stale.” Kaoru grinned, or so it seemed, judging from the way his eyes narrowed and the skin around crinkled. “Didn’t you wanna go shopping with drums for that?”, the leader asked, nodding toward the microwave isle.

“Yeah, I did.”, Toshiya said, shoulders drooping. “Thought I would, too. But…”

“He bailed out?”

The bassist looked up. What was visible of Kaorus face looked calm. Not like he was making fun, anyway, and somehow, that cracked the black-haired’s worry open.

“Did you speak to him recently?”, he asked, unable to keep the concern out of his voice.

“What, more recently than when we met in the studio?”

“Yeah. The past days, like.”

“Can’t say I have, other than group chat. What’s wrong?”

“That’s what I’m wondering…”

“You two… haven’t been fighting, have you?”

“No! Gods, no. I… I was just wondering if…he’s alright. That’s all.”

Kaoru shrugged. “Ask ‘im I guess.”

“You don’t say.” But now that he had started, it was hard to stop talking. “It’s just that he’s been kinda shortspoken with me, but in the group chat he wasn’t and then when I said I’m gonna go shopping today, first he said he’d come but then he said he can’t make it and that he’d text me later but he still hasn’t and I wonder if something is up…”

Kaoru frowned and stared at him for a moment. Then, after a silence that seemed a lot longer than it was, he said: “Get yourself a microwave, Toshiya.”

The bassist gaped at him. Kaoru rolled his eyes.

“And then call him. You’re not 20, work it out. Tell him you’re worried, that you’d like to chat, whatever is on your mind, man. It’s no good brooding. It’s probably nothing anyway. Maybe he just got a creative flash and is busy writing. Maybe he’s just waiting for you to show more interest in… talking to him. Take a little initiative, aye? It’ll be okay.”

Toshiya took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right.” What was he doing, whining at the leader about missing Shinya in the middle of the household department…

Kaoru patted him on the arm, looking too stiff to reach his shoulder.

“You two’ll work it out fine, I know you will.”

“Thanks, man.”

Toshiya chose a random microwave and headed to the checkout. There was a small cooler with ice creams next to it, to pacify children who had been forced to endure household appliance shopping with their parents and Toshiya chose a colorful looking popsicle, threw it on the conveyer belt and paid with credit card.

Microwave under his arm, ice cream in mouth he left the store, feeling a lot better than before.

And that was – wait.

Missing.

That was it, wasn’t it? Worry that something might be wrong on Shinya’s end aside, he _missed _him. Missed talking to him. Suckling his popsicle thoughtfully, he watched the hustle and bustle of the crowd passing by.

‘whatever is on your mind, man’, the leader had said… He was probably right. Shinya had never been one to deny a conversation if approached. Toshiya remembered one time, when he had, quite out of the blue and without any context, started questioning the drummer about his bisexuality. Not a topic you’d usually breach over setting up instruments for rehearsal. But if Shinya had felt like his privacy had been invaded or like it was both tactless and reckless to talk about it in a room soon to be entered by other people, he hadn’t shown it.

*

_We enter the shroud of memory. In the middle of a chapter no less. A drummer is adjusting a cymbal, going through tapping every part of the drumset, then adjusting the height again. The rough years seem to be coming to a close. Things have gotten better. _

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

Shinya looked up. He didn’t confirm or deny and for a second Toshiya felt reminded of a teacher asking back _I don’t know, _CAN _you? _ So that you remembered to ask _MAY I go to the toilet_ instead. But the blonde had stopped his motions and that was as much invitation to speak as Toshiya expected to get.

“What do you like about men? I mean, what makes you go for men rather than women?” Shinya raised an eyebrow at him, but he put down his drumsticks and folded his hands in his lap.

“My attraction to men is purely sexual. I prefer women on an emotional basis.” As per usual, the drummer spoke without pathos, just cool reason, nothing more and nothing less.

“Oh.” Toshiya rubbed his neck, that felt rather hot all of a sudden. He had not expected an answer like this.

“Why?”, Shinya sneered, “Thinking of changing colors?”

“Uh…no…I just… Actually, I was wondering… never mind.” He shook his head and went back to his bass. The flight back from Europe had messed with it and while he could have let the staff or the manufacturer deal with it, he wanted to take care of it as best as he could himself first.

“You haven’t been with anyone in a while, have you?”

Toshiya looked up and found Shinya still surveying him calmly, his hands in his lap.

“Yeah, no, I haven’t…”

“If you try to compare to Die’s consumption of women, find yourself falling behind and wondering if it’s because you’re secretly gay, let me assure you…”

Toshiya laughed and even Shinya’s lips twitched for a moment.

“No, nothing like that. It’s just that I find it hard to find a common basis with women, recently. I _know_ it’s not a precondition for…”, he clicked his tongue.   
“Sex. There’s no kids present”, Shinya interjected lightly.

“Yeah, well, I was just wondering if you find it easier to build an emotional connection with men. Like, do the genders really tick so differently?”

“You can’t generalize it like this. Many men have the emotional horizon of a chicken wing without salsa. But look at Kyo and apparently, look at yourself. Women are the same. Some are shallow, some are not. The ratio is just tipped to the opposite end, I’d say. Your trouble of finding an emotional basis with someone isn’t in the gender or sex and I doubt a change of interest would remedy it. It would appear, that growing fame plays a part in it. On the one hand, you get a choice of people interested in you, but on the other hand, it gets harder to single out someone who is interested in _you_.”

“Oh.”

“All this is not to say you shouldn’t try branching out; if you’re not put off by the idea. Broadening your horizon is rarely a wholly bad decision. Personally, I try not to let the placement and shape of genitals on a human body weigh too heavily on my judgement of and interest in them.”

And that had been it. They hadn’t spoken of it since, but Toshiya had been forever grateful that Shinya had given him a whole lecture of things he hadn’t known he needed to hear, before he had run off to a gay bar in search of an emotional connection… Who knew what mess that would have gotten him into.

In fact, it was probably thanks to this little conversation, that he had gotten more relaxed about the whole idea of dating or not dating.

He finished his popsicle and smacked his now sticky lips. The morale of the story was, that Shinya always had an open ear for even the weirdest of concerns. And as Kaoru had rightly said, brooding was no good. So, Toshiya took out his phone and typed.

_Whatever is on your mind, man._

>>I miss you

<<Drumsel in distress>> _read_

_…_

<<Drumsel in distress>> _is typing…. _

…

*

“Didn’t ‘xpect to see y’here”, Kaoru muttered, when he entered the premises. Die was sitting on the couch, staring at his laptop, not one, but three guitars scattered almost carelessly around him.

“Same to you”, the ginger replied without looking up.

Kaoru placed the pressing iron on the table along with a box he’d snatched from merch and began filling it with the iron, a box of chocolates and a birthday card. He taped the package shut and looked for a pen to write the address. Die watched him out of the corner of his eyes.

“Making sure she’ll iron your outfits again?”, Die finally asked, unable to keep his mouth shut – the opportunity just prostituted itself to the old joke.

“You and Toshiya are so funny…”

“What’s he gotta do with it?”

“Met him at the store and he said the same thing.”

Die straightened up a little. “Just him?”

“Yeah, just him.” The look the leader gave him was almost a warning one.

“Huh. Strange, isn’t it?”

“No, it inn’t actually.”

“Why with Shinya practically throwing himself at him to go shopping for their future love nest, you’d think he wouldn’t go alone.”

“Stop that.”

Die hesitated for a moment. Kaoru was small, old and frail, but boy oh boy, his scowl could make the Hulk wet hit pants. Luckily, Die wasn’t the Hulk.

“Why? Because you don’t have the balls to talk about it?”

“Because there’s nothing between them for us t’ talk about.”

“So you do admit there’s something between them.”

“Drop it.” The leader picked up the parcel and made for the door. Die bit his lips, aching to call him back, to yell at him, to throw a scene. “Send me what’ya got cooking there later, will ya?” Kaoru said, already through the door, but he turned his head to look back once more and Die knew he was trying to extend an olive branch. All defiance leaving his body, he nodded weakly. “Will do”, he said quietly and Kaoru smiled at him, before closing the door behind him.

“Coward…”, the remaining guitarist muttered, slumping forward and burying his face in his hands for a moment. He didn’t even know who was the bigger coward here. Kaoru or himself.

*

<<Drumsel in distress>> _is typing…. _

…


	24. Yurameking me crazy

<<Drumsel in distress>> _is typing…. _

Toshiya frowned at his phone. The seconds passed by. And heartbeat by heartbeat, he realized a growing nervousness taking a hold of him. What was taking Shinya so long to type? Was he maybe mad? Disappointed? Stressed by the overbearing need for socializing Toshiya had just shown? Was he in any way displeased or any other adjective, that the bassist would prefer to not see in connection with the drummer?

>>Sorry, might have had a brain freeze. Ate a popsicle.

He recoiled, latching onto the next best excuse. It wouldn’t be the first time someone found him to be a little too clingy, not even in a romantic relationship kind of constellation. And Shinya was such a loner. He had probably needed a few days to recharge his social batteries and here Toshiya was, whining that he wanted more. Even if he had meant it, it felt safer to retreat now.   
The typing had stopped.   
_Read._

Toshiya chewed his lower lip, staring at the screen.

<<Drumsel in distress>> _is typing…. _

There it was again. What on earth was Shinya typing so long for? Was he sending out a whole lecture about wanting to be left alone? Or had he typed, deleted, typed and deleted? Shinya didn’t seem the type to change his mind, though, so that seemed unlikely.

<<Drumsel in distress>> We should talk.

Toshiya felt his knees almost buckling from the surge of nervousness running through him. WHAT had the man typed for so long just to drop THIS?? And what on earth was going on that needed a formal ‘We need to talk’ announcement?

Toshiyas thumb trembled as he typed a reply.

>>Anytime, just tell me when and where.

Nothing. Not even a “read”. The bassist stared at his phone unblinkingly, until his eyes started to water. That was it, he thought. He was going insane because of this. To distract himself from the wait, he dropped into his contacts and changed the drummer’s name once more.

_Drumsel who’s making me crazy. _

Breathing deeply, he checked for messages once more, then forced himself to put his phone into his pocket. It didn’t do well to stand here and goggle at the screen forever.   
Keeping a firm grip on his phone in his pocket, to make sure he felt it vibrating, he made his way home.

The traffic was so jammed and the black-haired so easily annoyed with foreboding churning in his stomach, that he forgot about the expected texts for almost a minute and a half. Just enough to not check the phone as soon as he was parked, but walk up into his apartment instead, where he put the microwave down in the kitchen, slipped out of his jacket and then grabbed his phone again.

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< I checked us into meeting room 2 tomorrow, 11 a.m.

Toshiya gaped at his phone. Tomorrow 11 a.m. That was half a lifetime away. How was he supposed to not lose his mind until then?

>>I could just, you know, come over? Or skype you?

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< It’s a face to face kinda thing. And I want this dealt with on neutral grounds, so the meeting room is a good choice.

>>Gotcha. Should I be worried? Haha

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< I appreciate that you are. But don’t freak out.

Toshiya couldn’t help but smile. The other wasn’t even questioning if he was worried, he just rightly assumed he was.

>>I’ll try…

Toshiya put down his phone, walked slowly over to the fridge, opened it, bent low… and solemnly shoved his head inside. 

After a solid half minute with his head on the first wired shelf, he pulled back, grabbed a beer and scuffled to the livingroom, where he dropped onto the couch and rubbed his forehead. The wires of the shelf had left imprints on his skin.

*

Shinya sighed and laid his head back onto the backrest. He looked at the ceiling for a breath or two, then his eyes slowly wandered back onto the large TV screen. The automatic slideshow moved on slowly. Toshiya laughing with Kuro over some mishap or joke during sound check. The way his eyes crinkled and his dimples showed… Toshiya opening a bottle of water. Veins popping out blissfully on his arms… Toshiya burying his sweaty face in a towel. Sweat glistening on his naked shoulders and hair clinging to the wet nape of his neck…

Was he obsessed? Certainly. But he still preferred to call it an _intense appreciation_. And on top of that a medium crush. Die was right about that much: He needed to make up his mind where he wanted the journey to go and for that, it was crucial to assess the bassist’s side of the story. Because, as preposterous as it was, he couldn’t make this decision on his own. He could plot and weave his net, but in the end… Toshiya was too big a catch to have his feelings disregarded. It was easy to pretend like all of it was nothing more than calculation and planning, carefully pulling strings to lure his prey in, but any successful spider queen reached a point in life, when she was on the verge of developing actual feelings and needed to decide if a handsome collection of muscle shots was worth a potential heartbreak or band-break.

Shinya looked at his cat Galja and frowned. “Don’t give me that look. It’s not too late.”

*

Toshiya arrived at 10:30 and lingered around the entrance for a while, before heading inside. He got a coffee and escaped the office aid’s talkative mood by claiming he had important things to get done. After that he walked the hallways aimlessly, glad not to bump into too many people. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Even without knowing what he might have done wrong, if he had done anything wrong at all, he already felt almost as bad as that one time that he had thrown away a popsicle stick that Kyo hat left lying around, without realizing the vocalist had drawn on it. He had been shunned as a murderer for weeks to come, having “killed” a new character the creative drama queen had thought up.

He knew Shinya wasn’t the type to get upset over something like that, but he could be resentful as hell…   
The bassist finished his coffee and arrived at Meeting Room 2 a few minutes before 11. The door was open, but Shinya wasn’t here yet. There was water, notepads and pens on the table, and the screen for a beamer presentation was down, just like for a regular meeting. Toshiya chuckled, imagining himself sitting down and taking notes on whatever Shinya had to say.

“I’m glad you’re in a good mood.”

The black haired spun around, nearly tumbling over in his haste to face Shinya, who had appeared in the doorway. He was in half a mind to explain that he had just been laughing at a stupid image in his head and that he wasn’t exactly in a good mood, more like a nervous, apprehensive mood, but somehow all that made it over his lips was: “Hey, good morning.”

And somehow he wasn’t all that apprehensive anymore and his mood definitely lifted too, because Shinya smiled at him for the briefest moment, before he dropped his gaze, rolling his lips – they were still there by the way, good job – over one another to suppress his smile. The gesture made him look a lot more like his shy self, than his cool sarcastic self. Toshiya liked both sides, no judging.

The drummer stepped inside and closed the door behind him, flipping the lock to indicate the room was occupied. He sat his bag down, took off the light jacket he was wearing and draped it neatly over the backrest of a chair. Toshiya noticed that his hands were shaking just the tiniest bit. He waited for Shinya to sit down, but the blonde remained standing and turned to face him, so the bassist just stood there, waiting for the younger to speak.

“Thank you for coming here”, Shinya started politely, then he looked up and took a steadying breath. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“Do you have feelings for me?”

“What?” Toshiya felt like a bucket of ice water had been emptied in his face. “No! What? No… I mean…what?”, he stammered, kneejerk response fading into gibberish.

“I see”, Shinya said calmly and he dropped his gaze again, studying his own fingers.

Toshiya opened and closed his mouth, probably looking rather like a fish on land. His brain was only just catching up, but before he could fully wrap his head around the question and its implications, Shinya spoke again.

“I just wanted to clear that up. It’s a bit of a shame, but I understand.”  
“What?”, Toshiya repeated weakly, but Shinya seemed to bear him no mind.

“You see, I had a little bit of a… physical crush on you, during the tour.”   
“Oh” - _Wait, what?_

“But as time passed…” _A physical crush? _ _Crush? As in Crush? As in … crush? AND WHY PAST TENSE??   
_“Are you still with me, Toshiya?”   
“Yes! … No…” The blonde stifled a laugh and cleared his throat.   
“Anyway, I thought I should investigate directly, if you might feel the same. But since that isn’t the case…”  
“No!”  
“Yes, no need to rub it in”  
“No, no! I mean… Stop!”   
“Stop…what?”   
“Talking. Let me… what is happening?”   
“I am telling you that I have begun to see you as a potential partner.”   
“Really?”   
“Don’t worry, I am not going to pursue it, obviously, since you are opposed to the idea.”  
“No!” Toshiya felt like his head was literally spinning on his neck. He also felt like he would very much like to repeat: _What is happening? _ But he didn’t.   
“I’m not… I didn’t say… I didn’t _mean_…. I just never considered…”, he stammered, “I didn’t look at you this way, before…”

Shinya inclined his head to one side, looking at him with interest.

“And…Do you now?”, he asked slowly.

Toshiya’s mouth fell open once more. The clock on the wall ticked away slowly.   
Tick-tock, your brain is stuck.

Shinya just watched him patiently and his stunned mind latched on to that view instead of trying to actually process and think about what he had just been bombarded with. He let the sight calm him, soften his short burst of panic. The way the drummer’s sleek blonde hair softly fell into his face. His warm umber eyes alight with calm interest. His plush lips, doing a _very_ good job at being there.

“I do now…” Toshiya said weakly and his brain reared back into action, neurons shooting faster than they should. Things started to…make sense…

Shinya couldn’t hold the bassist’s gaze, as he felt its intensity shift. He looked down again, but a smile crept back on his lips. He could _feel _Toshiya looking at him differently and by god, he had no intention of keeping him from it. But maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t been prepared for how much his eyes could burn on his skin. Or maybe it was just his own face suddenly ablaze with hot, prickling anticipation.

“During the After Show party!”, Toshiya suddenly exclaimed and there was the joy of having solved a long pondered riddle in his voice, “You said you’d watch me in the shower!”

“I did”, Shinya said, biting his lips just to keep from laughing in relief. Of all the ways this talk could have gone, this was the most _Toshiya_ way imaginable: Utter confusion and premium delight.

“And when Die called us to come to work you were upset because you wanted to spend time…with _me!”_

Being called out for having feelings wasn’t exactly Shinya’s favorite, but he nodded. There was no derision in the bassist’s voice after all, just the purest joy about catching up. “Precisely”, he agreed.

There was a sudden silence, that made Shinya look up again. Toshiya was staring open mouthed at something invisible just over his shoulder. It wouldn’t have surprised the drummer to see smoke rising from his ears.

It took several seconds, enough to make Shinya consider waving his hand in front of Toshiya’s eyes, but they slowly took focus again and wandered from the wall back to Shinya’s face. They looked at each other for another few seconds, then a grin started to spread on Toshiya’s face, lighting up his eyes in the most endearing way.

“Shinya?”, he asked slyly. “Would you… go on a date with me? So we can…investigate the possibilities?”

The drummer couldn’t help it. Relief and incredulity bubbled over his lips in one liberating laugh. He felt lighter than before, warm and fuzzy.

“I just told you I _fancy _you, silly, I’d do much more with you than just go on a date.”

Toshiya gaped at him but found his balance faster than before. “You can’t say suggestive things like that! You said your physical crush was over!”, he exclaimed in accusation.

“I lied”, Shinya shrugged and this time Toshiya laughed and it was a giddy and excited laugh and for a long time, he couldn’t stop.

“So, we’re going on a date?”, the black-haired asked again, as he had finally calmed down.

“Yes. I highly recommend we do.”

“Where will we go? Do you want something casual? Like a movie date? Or something fancy? Candlelight dinner? Or something more like ok first date let’s just go shopping? Or should we go to an amusement park? Oh! We could drive to Yokohama _that’s _a classy date thing! Or what about a zoo? Or Disneyland! Is there a Cheburashka Café or something? How about Sky Tree?”

“Calm down, calm down”, Shinya chuckled. “Anything is fine, really.”

Toshiya blinked, then a sly grin found his way back on his lips. “Because you like me?”

The drummer rolled his eyes. “Evidently.”

Toshiya just grinned, surveying Shinya pleasantly. He now knew, why he had noticed Shinya’s lips before. They were pretty and, once you put the fact aside that they were colleagues, men and whatnot, high up on the kissability scale, so to speak. He also had realized, that the drummer was very pretty. He had known that before, but the sudden, newfound freedom to actually acknowledge and appreciate it made looking at him even better. He also had a shrewd idea why he had _missed_ talking to the blonde so much.

“This is all pretty wild, you know”, he finally said and without a second thought, he reached out his hands and took Shinya’s in his. They were unsurprisingly cold but soft and when he gave them a little squeeze, the drummer returned it.

“You have no idea just how wild…”

And that was that.

Just like that, Toshiya’s mind had near-literally been blown.   
Just like that, he had realized that maybe, just maybe, his feeling of something good, something better than before, had been about this. About a very kind, patient and incredibly entertaining human being _fancying im._him.

him, who, in all honesty, had not considered this a possibility, but whose brain was just now doing a lot of catching up in very little time.

And just like that, the only reasonable course of action was, to take Shinya on a date. As much confusion as Toshiya still felt, he was sure about that, at least.

And that was that.


	25. Yokan go fuck yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To celebrate Die's birthday, we're going to give the floor to him again. Or, as Elanor rightly put it in the comments: "And now the real drama comes: Die and that other absent-minded guitarist."
> 
> I'm sorry for the horrible lack of Toshiya-Shinya action in this chapter - looks like I can't plan a story without those guitarists doing some stuff on the sidelines... but I feel like Team Rhythm has given us enough real life selfshipping during the talk event to make it through this xD 
> 
> ***

After an extended amount of sparkly eyes and holding hands, Toshiya decided that, as the day was too spent and he too hyped up to go on any date today anyway, the time would be put to good use by doing a little team rhythm practice.

Attuning oneself to each other’s pace and intensity, finding that harmonic connection felt like just the right thing to do, and the added bonus of being able to stare at Shinya wasn’t to be ignored either. Toshiya felt rather prone to needing to stare at him, now that he had a few barricades torn down, mentally speaking. It was like taking off sunglasses in a dimly lit room. He had always _seen_ the drummer, but boy had he not seen him _properly_.

And _boy_ was it fun to distract him and get him to mess up by staring.

“This is nonsense”, Shinya finally decided, firmly placing his drumsticks aside and crossing his arms in front of his chest. He was keeping his head rather lower than usual, undoubtedly making sure his soft, blonde curtain of hair covered his rather flushed face.   
Toshiya laughed, so filled with bubbly delight, he could have screamed.

“What’s got’ye in such a good mood?”

Kaoru had arrived on the scene, poking his head in and looking curiously at Toshiya, who grinned while simultaneously grinding his teeth hard, to keep himself from informing the leader, that he was going to go on a date with not just anyone, but Shinya. He knew it wasn’t a good idea to shout that out into the world. He could feel the drummer glaring daggers at his back, too. But it was hard to keep it in.

“Shinya’s messing up a lot today”, he finally managed to explain happily and Kaoru chuckled, surveying them like any doting parent or granny would.  
“Lemme see”, the leader requested and stepped inside, closing the door behind him.   
“I refuse”, Shinya proclaimed.   
“That’s not very kind of you, Shinyboy”, said Toshiya, wagging an accusing finger in the air.   
“I _kindly _refuse.”   
“Oh come on…practice is important.”   
“Fine. But you turn away.”   
“I like the way I’m facing.”   
“You look at the mirror like a normal person or I will flick your forehead, I swear to god.”

Snickering, Toshiya turned to the front, just to get the drummer to play. Soon enough, he was giving him looks over the shoulder and soon enough, Shinya messed up. The bassist had a good laugh about it with Kaoru, but decided to make sure to apologize properly to his victim and to make it up to him soon.

*

Kaoru didn’t stay. He had just come to pick up another guitar anyway and Toshiya and Shinya seemed to entertain themselves enough with just the two of them. A thought that he would have preferred to push aside, but life was not so kind to him…

“You’re such a hypocrite!” Die opened without any previous notice or explanation as to why he stood in front of Kaoru’s door fuming with rage and waiting to be let in.

Kaoru considered him with that tired look he often gave him recently and the younger guitarist clenched his fists. One of them held his phone, which he raised up, unlocked it and held it up jerkily for Kaoru to look at. “You were there, weren’t you?”, he spat and saw the leader’s eyes narrow slightly at the image. Then, the grannified rockstar let out a deep sigh. He unlocked the door and entered, not even flinching when Die followed, kicked off his cowboy boots with force and slammed the door shut.

“You think you can silence your way outta this? You fucking…”

“Talk to me, buddy”, Kaoru interjected in a would-be calm manner, but his teeth barely parted. Die swallowed. There was no backing out now.

“Why don’t you talk to them?” He waved his phone again, while following Kaoru to the living room. The screen still showed a picture taken from an office down the hallway: blurry but discernable a bassist was pulling a drummer out of meeting room 2 by the hand. Not the wrist, not the arm not a willynilly follow me gesture. Just two men holding hands.

“It’s not my responsibility.” The leader remained on his feet, facing Die who had sat down. His arms were knotted tightly in front of his chest and his eyes seemed closed off in defiance. It was almost like talking to a stranger, Die thought.

“But it _is!_” The ginger threw his hands up in exasperation. “_YOU _laid down the rules. _YOU _said this isn’t happening in the band. So you need to stop it!”

“Oh come on, use yer brain for once”, Kaoru spat angrily, “That was ages ago. They’re over 40 and I ain’t their mom. They can work it out themselves. It inn’t for you nor me to meddle.”

“So you _are _a hypocrite”, Die shouted, his voice rather higher than usual, owing to the lump in his throat. “Those rules only apply when you feel like they serve you, but they can go ahead and ruin everything?!”

“I’m not responsible for their actions, Masaru, but I am for my own!”

“You’re an asshole, that’s what you are! And if you had any balls, you’d either fucking tell them to stay clear of each other or admit you just used that rule as an excuse because your wimp ass couldn’t even bear being honest with me!” He didn’t know when he had jumped to his feet, but suddenly he was standing, yelling at Kaoru like the sun would never go up again. “Oh you must’ve had a good laugh lying to my face and whining about keeping the band safe when all you cared about was getting me to outta your sun the easiest way…”

“You take that back. You take all of that back right now.” And now the other was yelling too, his fists clenched at his sides and looking on the verge of throwing a punch at him. Die wished he would.

“I fucking won’t! You’re a fucking ass headed liar, Kaoru, and I-“ _ Smack. _

Die tumbled, lost his balance and fell back into the couch. Kaoru hadn’t hit him, so much as he had pushed him, and just as Die threw himself forward to scramble back to his feet and launch into whatever verbal or physical fight was about to happen, he found that Kaoru was already there, hovering mere inches above him.

“I never fucking lied to you”, the black haired said and then there was silence.

Kaoru dropped to the side, taking a seat next to Die, looking crumbled. Staring straight ahead at were Kaoru had just been, Die touched his own lips. What a fucking fucked up way to silence him…No way he’d let that work…

“Great…”, he muttered after a moment’s silence, “you finally decide to kiss me again and you have a scratchy ass snot stopper in your face…”

“See, you don’t really want- Wait, what do you mean _again?”_

“I don’t kiss and tell”, Die said with a grin. He felt like throwing up. The welcome bubble of excitement didn’t mix well with all the anger and frustration. And it didn’t last. There was too much ire within him. “And if you think you can shut me up like this… Bad luck, mate.” Kaoru took off his glasses and rubbed his face, looking exhausted.

“You’re upset, I get it. But whatever is going on between Toshi and Shinya has nothing to do with…”   
“Us?”, Die supplied, and Kaoru looked at him with a pained expression.

“There is no us, Die. Not as in you and me. You are just frustrated because you didn’t get what you wanted at some point and now your pride is hurt because someone else is snacking on the forbidden fruit.”

“That’s what you think? That I’m trying to patch up my _pride_?” Kaoru gave him a look that said something like _obviously._ “You have a poor understanding of _pride_, mister, if you think I’m trying to fix my ego by not getting over the man who dead-ass rejected me twice.” It was so sad that it was almost funny.

“Die…”

“No, listen here you little shit. I fucking coped with it. I can cope with you kicking me to the friendzone and beyond ten times a day. I can cope with being just colleagues. But I cannot cope with you fucking telling Shinya to go ahead and ruin the band when that exact argument was what you slapped in my face _twice_ to keep me away. You think I can’t handle it if you just tell me you don’t want me? I can handle bad taste, mate, wouldn’t love you despite your wardrobe if I couldn’t.” He tried to lighten the whole thing up with a joke, but Kaoru looked just like he felt: No joke was going to lighten this shit. “Don’t you think I deserve at least your honesty? Goddammit Kao, gimme the closure if you can’t give anything else. Let me fucking put my feelings to rest under a proper rejection… If you can’t even give me that… honestly you can go fuck yourself.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Kaoru looked at him and the lines that usually enhanced his handsome features, now cut deep shadows into his face. “I did not lie. It’s not happening, ‘cause I’m not risking our band, our life, over your passing fancy.”

“It hasn’t passed in a while now, has it? And why do you risk it over Shinya’s?”

“It hasn’t ‘coz you’re stubborn and hate failure, not because you actually still want me”, Kaoru shot back, irked and silenced him with a gesture, when Die wanted to protest. “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s not happening. And Shinya and Toshi…” He shook his head and shrugged. “’course it could go wrong. But I dunno… I just think… they’re good for each other.”

“And I’m not good enough for you.”

Kaoru dropped his head back onto the backrest and let out an unnerved snort. “I’m not saying that.”

“You should. If you had any balls, you would.” He stared at Kaoru, whose gaze in turn was fixed on the ceiling, refusing to look back at him.

Neither of them spoke and neither of them moved their eyes away from their point of focus, as if in a weird three way stare-battle. Assuming the wall was staring at Die.

“I can’t say that”, Kaoru finally said very slowly and so quietly, that Die almost wanted to lean closer to hear him properly, “Because I worship the ground you walk on.”

_I can’t say that because I worship the ground you walk on. _

“Ah, yes. Now it makes sense that you don’t want more than friendship”, Die said, dripping with sarcasm. It was quite amazing how one and the same sentence, spoken only once, could be so painful and so gloriously joyful at the same time.

“Jesus, Die, we wouldn’t last, why don’t you get that”, Kaoru said, and once again, his anger swept away his apparent exhaustion. “When have you ever been interested in someone you could easily have, someone who loved you? When has any of your relationships ever lasted?”

“I… It’s not like yours ever lasted longer…”

“_Exactly”, _Kaoru cried, wringing his hands, “because people leave me! Normal people leave me. You turn tails the second someone loves you – worst combination _ever!_”

“It could be different with…”

“No. No it’s not. It wouldn’t be! Do you have any idea how much I tried to make you see me, back then? For years I…” He dropped his gaze and shook his head and for a moment, Die could see the shadow of a pain crossing over Kaoru’s face, that seemed familiar. “But you had eyes for everyone _but _me”, Kaoru continued and reached for his pocket, producing a pack of cigarettes, and lighting one. Die didn’t remind him that he had stopped smoking indoors. He couldn’t speak. He could only listen and when the older guitarist stopped to inhale the blueish smoke deeply and blow it back out after a heartbeat or two, he almost wanted to grab and shake him to make him continue.

“No matter what I did, you didn’t care, ‘cause you were _so _straight… and then you weren’t so straight anymore… and you still didn’t fucking see I would’ve died for just a tiny bit of your attention… It took me years, Die. _ Years_ to get over this fucking hope that I had. And the second I’m over you…” He clicked his tongue and gestured vaguely into the ginger’s direction. “You’ve always wanted what’s outta reach. Never what’s there for the takin’. And I got my heartbreak”, he patted his chest and smiled weakly at the younger. “Ain’t in need of another.”

Die slumped back into the cushions. It felt weird, unworldly, unrealistic, to think that Kaoru had ever been crushing on him without him noticing. He wondered how he’d have responded, in their younger years, to finding out his bandmate liked him a little more than strictly professionally. Probably not too well… He’d had some suspicions at some point, sure.   
He had known that the threesome had hurt Kaoru in some way, but he’d chalked it up to stealing the girl from him. The fact that they had kissed drunk as shit in an elevator had even been a pretty clean indicator…  
But to think Kaoru had had feelings for him and even tried in his own weird way to catch his attention… when and how the hell had that escaped his attention?

He had been dead sure the closest he’d get to Kaoru wanting him was getting him shitfacedrunk and kissing him in an elevator as part of another round of truth or dare. Or as close as acting like an old married couple was.

He rubbed the little tattoo on his hand with his thumb. The few lines and shades had hurt like a bitch. Right now, he would have preferred even that kind of torture. Sighing deeply he reached for the cigarettes Kaoru had thrown onto the coffee table and took one. He lit it and started smoking deeply. Next to him, Kaoru got up and came back with an ashtray and two cans of beer.

They smoked and drank in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts and the seemingly inescapable circle of frustration they had gotten themselves into.   
After about half the can, Die finally cleared his throat.

“You know, you kinda confessed to me ten minutes ago. But I still like you. Maybe ‘m not losing interest’s all I’m saying…”

“Shut up.” Die looked up at the softness in the older man’s voice and found him with a sad but honest smile. He reached out and touched the long, ginger hair that presented itself as unusually messy, as Die had ran his hands through it too many times since receiving the sneak-picture of Toshiya holding Shinya’s hand. Die tilted his head, seeking the small hand and for nothing more than half a heartbeat, Kaoru’s fingers brushed warm and gentle over his cheek.

“I can’t lose you and our music just so you can have a go at my ass, b…” Maybe it was his imagination or wishful thinking, but Die could have sworn the word _baby_ was hanging in the air for a splitsecond, but then: “buddy.” And the darkhaired pulled his hand away again.

“You think that’s what I’m about? Sex?”   
“I’nn’it?” Kaoru looked at him over his beer with raised brows.   
“I mean it’d be a long term goal. Mid…Short-term, if you must know. Let’s just say it’s on my list Santa gets, but…”   
“Geez, Die… you like _tits!_ Last time I checked gravity ‘n’ time haven’t put me in the position to compete with blown up silicon cushions yet.”   
“Yet. See, something to keep up my interest.”   
“Comforting, to think you’d stay with me to wait for me to get saggier and saggier…”

Die laughed. He laughed until he had tears in his eyes.   
And then he realized he was crying, because Kaoru had gotten up and he stood before him and put his hand on his head, pulling him close. And Die leaned in and pressed his face into the soft sweater Kaoru was wearing and cried. He sobbed until he couldn’t breathe anymore, wave after wave of sadness crushing him under it.

“I need a tissue”, he finally choked, nose stuffed, eyes puffy and feeling angry again.   
“I’ll get you one.”   
“Don’t _leave_”, Die cried, grasping the sweater and staring up at the older in accusation.   
“You’re literally wiping your snot into my clothes.”   
“You deserve that.”  
“You wan’a tissue or no?”  
He did want a tissue. And they agreed on Kaoru fetching one, even though it meant giving up the comfort of his hand running through his hair.

And unfairly but at the same time very much rightfully, two other people agreed on a time for their first date…

(To remind us that there’s good things ahead.)


	26. Author's notes to "Yurameking me crazy"

Author's note: I'm sorry I post this as a new chapter when it's just a little add-on but I felt like a certain point in chapter 24 did not come across very well so I had to dig deeper.

What you must understand is... Toshiya's brain really broke for a moment or three ... 

[Link in case you're on mobile](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Epx9DmMXYAA4fqH?format=jpg&name=4096x4096)


	27. Yokusou ni Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for keeping you waiting D;  
Blame the fantasy AU that's playing in my head @.@ Please take this First Date Fluff as an apology.
> 
> ***

>>I have no idea what to wear

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Don’t worry about it

>> What will you wear?

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< You’ll see

>>I don’t wanna be over or underdressed

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Come naked, if you must.

>>There it is again

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< What

>>Suggestive Yamochan

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Sue me. Now get ready or you’ll be late.

>>I would literally not dare to be late.  
>>If I’m late, please assume the worst and send the cops for me.

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Will do.

>>You’re shortspoken. What are you doing? Makeup? Hair?

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< I’m checking my ig

>>Your what? Do I need to check it too?

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< … IG ??

>>You mean Instagram

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Dingding.

>>I feel a tad bit ashamed rn

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< You should.

>>Do you still want to date me

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< I feel like I have no choice

>>I won’t force you

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< You don’t have to

>>So you still wanna?

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Date me, Toshimasa, I dare you.

>>I’ll date you in like 56 minutes.

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< 55 on my clock.

>> Oh shoot. So what should I wear.

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< You look yummy in whatever so I absolutely don’t care.

>>lol you said yummy

>>Drumsel who’s making me crazy<< Your next text better be ‘I’m in front of your door’.

>> I’m in front of your door :)

>>Date<< We’re on our way.

Shinya was wearing nothing special in the sense of frilly details, complex cuts or anything, which was a relief, but he did look pleasing and pretty high-fashion nevertheless, as he strolled out from the apartment block in skintight black pants, a black v-neck shirt and a wide dark grey longblazer, Gena on leash, sunglasses on and blond hair bobbing softly with each step.  
Toshiya clambered out of the car, remembering kind of last minute to get out to hold the passenger door open for the blonde and his Chihuahua.

“Thank you”, the drummer said with an air of pleasant surprise, as he got into his seat.

Toshiya near-skipped to the driver’s side and got back into the car, grinning madly as he turned to face his _date_. “Hi”, he beamed, not sure if he had said the same just a second ago when he’d opened the door for the younger. Shinya returned his smile easily.

“I didn’t expect you to get so nervous over a first date.”  
“I didn’t expect to get a first date.”  
“I mean, you asked.”  
“You said yes. _And_ never declined since.”  
“It’s been 24 hours, if even that.”  
“So given 48 you’d change your mind?”  
“Which part of I fancy you did you miss yesterday?”  
For a moment, Toshiyas smile got too wide and too strong to even answer. Instead, he turned the key. “I just need time to let it sink in, I guess.”

“I’m fine with that”, Shinya said graciously and secured the leash to the seatbelt, both hands around the little dog who was wagging his tail enthusiastically.

“But I have been thinking…” Toshiya started the car and rejoined the general traffic. “…it was suspicious that you knew so little about working out that you wanted to come with me just to _watch_. I mean you do have a personal trainer, right?”  
“I hope you haven’t been playing Sherlock all night.”  
“And you said I’m excellent company”, Toshiya continued, ignoring the interjection. “And you demanded good night texts.”  
“I didn’t demand those. I gently encouraged. And may I add: You seemed happy to oblige.”  
“Oh, I was! I am! Totally!”  
“Good.”  
“Yeah.”

A few moments of silence followed, in which Toshiya kept looking sideways, whenever the traffic allowed him to let his focus wander off the street.

“Do you realize we’re going on a date right now?” Shinya looked at him in silence and after a breath, he slowly shook his head in quiet disbelief. “You are unbelievably adorable”, he said in his usual, matter-of-factly drawl.

“Thanks ‘n right back at you”, Toshiya grinned, and since he couldn’t afford to let his eyes wander off the street for the time being, he instead reached out a hand and gently patted Shinya’s knee. And because his hand had nothing better to do – was there anything better? – it stayed there, resting calmly on the younger’s thigh, who looked down on the intrusive hand and then out of the window, nibbling his lips a little.

It was a silent drive for a few minutes, then, after having changed gears and replaced his hand onto Shinya’s thigh multiple times, Toshiya broke the silence once more.  
“Say, why is everything about you so…”, he gave the thigh under his fingers a little squeeze as if that would help him find the proper term, “so delicate?”  
“Your hand is just pretty big”, came the answer, but Toshiya found, that the drummer wasn’t looking at him while he spoke and that he had tilted his head just enough to hide behind a soft curtain of hair. The bassist didn’t hate this reaction. Worth investigating.

They had chosen a seaside walk and picnic as their first date, mostly because the weather presented itself unusually welcoming for the onset of autumn, and, as Shinya had put it, the theme provided neutral grounds, more privacy than shopping, more time to talk than the movie theatre or a theme park and less pressure than a candlelight dinner. In hindsight, any less casual destination would have been the end of Toshiya’s nerves, clothing-choice-wise. At least like this he’d had two rules to choose by: comfort, the ability to pull up his pantlegs in case he wanted to dip his feet in the water and a general ‘can get dirty and full of sand’.

They parked near the train station serving the Kasairinkai Park and began their stroll, making straight toward the coastline, chatting about how often or rather how rarely each of them took time to visit one of the greener parts of Tokyo, and about whether or not playing games in a natural environment could count as time in nature or not. Toshiya laughed endlessly about Shinya refusing to leave the house when the weather wasn’t alright to the point of paying a dog walker even when he was home, but had to admit that he himself preferred the gym 90 out of a hundred cases because it was too hot, too rainy or too outside-y in general.

Near the beach, they found a kiosk with vending machines selling frisbees, balls and other toys, and although Shinya promised that Gena had enough toys, Toshiya insisted on buying not one but three balls and one frisbee, along with drinks and snacks, joking about how he was treating Shinya to such a feast for their first date. He slipped out of his shoes as soon as they hit the beach and carried them, his socks stuffed inside, while enjoying the rare feeling of sand against skin.

Soon, he was tearing up and down the shore, playing frisbee and ball with Gena, while Shinya watched them, smiling and taking videos, but refusing to join the fun. After some playtime they continued their journey down the beach until they found a nice spot to sit down for a while. Toshiya spread his towel and they sat down and lined up their low budget picnic, waiting for hunger to strike.

Shinya had now taken off his shoes as well, burying his toes in the sand with care, after having picked up some crushed shells and putting them aside.

“You really are an alien, are you?”, Toshiya asked thoughtfully.  
“Why?”  
“Even your feet are so flawless. It’s like an alien made you from space-silk and got lazy when it came to adding blemishes to make you appear more human.”  
“I resent the notion, that I should be the result of laziness”, Shinya sneered, but his eyes were quite kind and Toshiya knew he hadn’t offended the other.

“Let’s see how warm the water is.”  
“I can see that from here. It’s cold.”  
“No, let’s try. Come on!” Toshiya jumped to his feet and held out his hand for Shinya, who took his hesitantly and followed him to the water. It was indeed cold, but Toshiya rolled up his pants and was wading in the waves in no time, enjoying the chill and the smooth stones under his feet. When he turned to look at his date however, he found Shinya barely on the edge of the waterline, his feet just touching the wet sand where only the strongest waves reached.

“Come on”, Toshiya called, waving enthusiastically at the unhappy drummer who knotted his arms in front of his chest and hunched his back a little.  
“It’s cold”, he drawled, shuddering as a wave hit the tips of his toes.  
“Just at the beginning, then it’s sups nice!” He kept beckoning, but it didn’t seem to help. “I’ll warm you if you get too cold.”  
“I’m not that cheap. And it’s pretty mean if you wouldn’t warm me unless I got into the water.”  
“Oooh, don’t be a sulky angel”, Toshiya laughed, wading back to Shinya, “Here, I’ll help you.” And with that, he picked the younger up by the waist to replace him into deeper water.  
“No! Leave me! Don’t drop me! I got my phone in my pocket!”, half-shrieked the drummer, unknotting his arms and pushing away from his captor while at the same time clinging to Toshiya’s jacket for safety.

“I’d not drop you in a hundred years”, Toshiya promised, cackling and wading deeper still, but Shinya just bent his legs, drawing his heels up to his bottom to avoid the water. “What are you doing?”, Toshiya laughed. He could tell the younger did not have his feet in the water yet, but he didn’t see how he was evading the inevitable. “Where are your feet?” He loosened one arm to feel around for how Shinya was folding up to avoid the cold, which only resulted in another shriek and the drummer now very uninhibitedly clinging to him.  
“I don’t have any”, Shinya exclaimed, “Take me back to the land, you monster, why must you scare me like this all the time…” 

Snickering, Toshiya found a leg, took a hold of it and gently pulled it around himself, to secure the squirming drummer further. The younger took the hint and swung his other leg around as well, crossing them behind Toshiya’s back and relaxing considerably, as he found himself securely seated against the bassist’s hips. He stopped calling to be brought back to dry safety too, and Toshiya grinned at the mixture of sulky and pleased that was playing on the other’s face.

“Shame bathing is prohibited this time of year. I could just…drop us both in…” He made a jerky movement as if about to throw himself into the water backwards, but this time Shinya didn’t even flinch.  
“You wouldn’t dare.”  
“Ah, you’re right, I wouldn’t… shame you know me so well…” He gave a dramatic sigh and received a flick against the forehead in response, that stung quite a bit.  
“That’s for scaring me”, Shinya said, “And now take me back, please.”

Knowing when to accept defeat, the black-haired made his way back to the beach, enjoying how naturally relaxed Shinya remained in his arms. Sure, the drummer had a thing for being carried when drunk, but he was sober, and this wasn’t princess style. This was… date style.  
Seeing no reason to set the blonde down prematurely, Toshiya brought him all the way back to their towel, where they both sat down and grabbed a drink, equally immersed in their own thoughts for a minute or two.

In the bassist’s case, those thoughts were mainly, how he could get used to this and which snack packet to open first. He decided on a chocolatey one and offered Shinya some, before starting on them himself.

“Can I ask you something?”  
“’course”  
“Why did you ask me out?”  
“Mh, I knew you’d ask. I probably looked like an idiot there, didn’t I?” Shinya politely decided to not comment on that, so Toshiya went on. “The short version is… it seemed like the best idea in that moment. Still does.”  
“And the long story?”  
“Pfew, can I give you the medium story first?”  
“Go ahead.”  
“ It was just… when you said what you did, that was all news to me, right? But there were some things that suddenly started adding up and I really wanna see the whole picture. Not just things you said, that make a lot more sense now, but things that I thought, recently, too. Like I said, I totally never saw you this way before, but I got the suspicion that I’ve just been, like, really…dumb.”  
“A shared suspicion, fellow detective. So, will I get to hear the long version some time?”  
“Yeah, I think you will, rather sooner than later. Just lemme investigate a little further.”  
“I’m okay with that. If I can help you with your investigations…”

“Hey”, Toshiya interjected, “Did you just call me dumb?”  
“I would never.”  
“Oh you see, now you’re doing the thing were you look really innocent and pure but you’re dripping sarcasm. This is dangerous!”  
“Oh yes”, Shinya said quietly, his face void of expression as he leaned a little closer, “I’m the kinda guy your mom warned you about.”

The black-haired tried very hard not to burst out laughing into Shinya’s face, pressing his lips together tightly as he fought the urge and nodded.  
“Yupp”, he managed to squeeze out, “That. Exactly.”  
And after another two seconds or so of severe eye contact, the drummer broke as well, lowering his head and snickering softly and that was all it took, really, for Toshiya to throw an arm around the younger’s narrow shoulders, pull him in and press a firm kiss onto his head. It was nothing much, really. Just a peck on the hair, if you will, but it was soft and gentle and it brought one fact really home:  
They had left the known waters of friendship harbor and had set sail toward the vast, open sea of _more_.  
And that was that.


End file.
